Proverbs31:28

We have discussed the methods you described but I have not been willing to confront things this way. You mentioned public bathrooms- this is a HUGE issue for me. I am terrified of them. For years, I would never go in there. But, now I have a daughter so I have to go in with her. I do not touch anything nor do I let her touch anything. I carry toilet seat covers, clorox wipes and hand sanitizer. So, in order to face the "fear" I have learned to adapt- I can't avoid the public bathrooms anymore so I do what I can to make them less dangerous. My T says if I am not ready to confront something we need to wait. I used to have a problem with laundry- washing, rewashing, folding, refolding again and again. If a towel was crooked, I had to reflod ALL of them. If an article of clothing was hanging the wrong direction or in the wrong spot, I had to remove all the clothing from their handgers, rehang them and return them to the closet in the right direction and order. I DID deal with this in therapy. It took me quite a while but I can (mostly) deal with this. Occassionally, I find myself folding things obsessively, but most of the time I can just fix the one article that is misplaced or hung wrong. I honestly don't know how people do things like you described and remain sane! The thought of giving up my "comforts" is terrifying in itself. My "OCD" is obviously much milder than many others and I don't consider myself engaging in "rituals" but I do have behaviors which are definitely soothing and yet I don't know how I'd ever give them up!

Ugh, this is an issue I deal with horribly. I have never heard it called "ruminating" before. I was always told I have "obsessive thought processes." Not a diagnosis per se, but I definitely obsess about things. Lots of things. FOr instance, while driving to my son's dr. appt, which is 4 hours away, I constantly think about the ways he/we could get injured along the way: bridge collapsing, car accident, tanker overturning, plant explosions, floods or sudden natural disasters, etc. If my children spill something, I can't help but obsess about what a terrible mother I must appear to be (whether or not it is true) because I can't keep my kids clean. As a result, I carry Tide Pens, Shout wipes and handi wipes in my car and purse so I can quickly clean up any spills or messes. The list goes on and one, these are but examples. I had severe OCD symptoms which I have dealt with in therapy but have never been able to fully deal with the thoughts themselves. In large part, the thoughts, and the acts they inspire, are "comforting" to me in an odd sort of way. Even though I know the thoughts are intrusive and unwanted, I still find comfort in doing the things which alleviate the concerns behind those thoughts. I don't know if I have made any sense. I think I was just surprised/impressed to read that there are potential solutions for the obsessive thinking I have done for so long.

Personally, I have trust issues, especially surrounding men and doctors. Much worse if it is a male doctor! As a result, it takes quite some time to find a therapist or pdoc I trust and have gone through several. I currently have a pdoc I trust beyond reproach and, though I moved 2 hours away, I continue to drive to see him. I tried 2 different docs in my new town but simply did not feel they had my best at heart, like I believe my doc does. Since I only see him every 3-4 months, I don't mind driving to see him. As for a T, though, I needed to see someone weekly or bi-weekly, which is too often to drive to the T I knew and trusted. So, I had to find someone new. I started by asking someone else I trust (another therapist who is a friend) for recommendations based on therapists who accepted my insurance. From there, I tried one, thinking I'd go thorugh 3-4 before finding someone I clicked with as thats how it had always been. Thankfully, I liked the first one and, with time, have grown to trust her. Since you trust your current therapist I would at least consult with the folks he recommended to you. Since he knows you and what you need, I would think he would recommend someone who meets your needs. Go in with the attitude that there are other therapists out there and, if this is not the right one, you can keep looking. Don't feel locked in just because of a recommendation. Also, remember that trust is something that is built. It is not immediate so don't be upset if it doesn't come right away. I hope you do find someone with whom you can open up and be yourself.

Thank you, all. I do appreciate your support. I do have friends I can talk to but none are nearby. Sometimes it just helps to know you're heard and understood.

Allan, DS9 is my son (net lingo= Dear Son, 9 y/o.) He was born with an extremely rare congenital heart defect that has caused him to have a plethora of breathing and feeding problems. He has undergone 3 major surgeries (2 at out of state hospitals) and has had more tests than I can count over the years. His recent illness is very similar to what he was dealing with preoperatively, (breathing problems we thought were corrected by surgery) so the doc wants to know WHY, so she is ordering more tests. The tests will not interefere with Disney- doc said she can do them after we get back. She thinks it would be good for him. T thinks it would be good for me. But, I know me. I know when I am stressed my anxiety is much harder to hide/control and what do I do if I start having anxiety attacks 800 miles from home with 2 kids I need to take care of??? I don't let him see me cry or upset about what is going on because he is extremely sensitive and has a lot of anxiety over his health and testing so if I get upset, he will be 10X more upset.

I am having a really hard time right now with both anxiety and depression. I wasn't sure which forum to post in so I put it here. I know I haven't been around much but that is mainly because of what has been going on in life. DS9 fell ill almost 3 weeks ago and, thinking it was "more of the same" with him (he has a long medical history) I opted to treat him at home. We saw one of his docs last week for a scheduled check-up and turns out he was sicker than I thought and I just kep treating him like all was ok. His doc said I was "not alarmed enough" by DS's condition which is surprising considering my anxiety issues, right? I guess this is the one area I stay calm and don't flip out because I KNOW he needs me to be strong and stable. But, internally, I am always a mess. Anyway, his doc wants to order more tests and explore additional treatment options for him which is killing me. I finally thought he was doing better and was needing less and less medical intervention and we are just hopping right back on that carousel. And, as I said, I can't let him see me greve this so I bottle it up. I was watching him play with friends the other day and tears just started falling because I kept thinking "WHY? Why is nothing ever simple for him? Why do all these other kids get a normal life and he doesn't?" It just sucks, ya know? To top it off, I had booked a Disney Vacation for my kids and I when I was feeling much better and really thought it would be a good get a way for all of us. I think we all NEED a break from life but with my anxiety rising, I am begininning to wonder if I did the right thing? Am I setting myself up for failure? I just wish I could cancel but I've already paid and its too late to get the money back! I am freaking out about this! I am calling T tomorrow for another appt and have a PDoc appt next week, so I am trying to hold it together until I see them. Hopefully, they will help me see the ever elusive light. I just don't think I can handle anything else right now, especially concerning DS's health. I am terrified they are going to send him out of state again for a work up which means lots of invasive and painful testing. How do I watch him go through that again?

Nancy and Paula, I would dare say that if your past "friendships" have left you this calloused and cynical, you have never had a true friendship! Like you, I often feel most people are better off not knowing the REAL me so, for most of the world, I wear the mask we are all accustomed to. BUT, it is such a relief to be around my two friends who know me inside and out. There is no need to hide. No need to fear judgment, condemnation or mistreatment. I absolutely understand what both of you are saying and I do not discount your feelings, at all. But, I do sincerely hope that one day you do experience a friendship like that described in the original post. HUGE (((HUGS))) to both of you!

Heather your stress and pain are very evident in your words. I feel I can relate to you in a lot of ways. I, too, am on SSDI (but for my depression/anxiety), am a single parent and have no family nearby to help out. I often find myself feeling very overwhelmed and very helpless in the world. I have been suicidal more times than I can count. Right now I am stable, thanks to the help of a wonderful counselor and a terrific doctor. It doesn't mean I am "healed" just that, right now, I am handling life better than I have in the past. I still take meds and still see my thrapist and doctor. I am glad that you are at least getting therapy. I am sorry you do not have a support system around you. One thing I learned recently is how very important a support system is. I strongly encourage you to find someone you feel comfortable with that you can share your burdens with. Someone who will not judge you, will support you and will be there when you need them. I had to be hospitalized in late April/early May and had no idea what I'd do with my kids. Who would keep them, care for them, etc. A friend who I had never shared much with stepped up and took on the burden without question. She is now one of my closest supporters and I know that I can count on her. It really eased my mind a lot to know that, in a crisis, I do have somebody nearby who is willing and able to help out. Keep talking to us here, also. We may not be able to help out physically, but I have found the empathy and support here are wonderful. If nothing else, you will see you are not alone in your feelings and thoughts.

There are few people I consider "close friends," but I feel that if you have good friends, you don't need many! I have 2 super close friends that I can tell anything to but usually don't have to because they can read it on my face or hear it in my voice. I have a handful of other friends that I know I can count on in a crisis or just to lend their shoulders and ears.

Eek, ack and egad! Yes, my fear is (I can't believe I will type this) snakes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The fear developed suddenly, about 7 or 8 years ago. I remember the EXACT moment I felt the physical sensation of fear and anxiety for the first time. Even recalling events where I was exposed bring on the physical sensations (not the need to escape, but the rising up in my neck, the lurching forward, the gagging, the lightheaded/faint feeling. ) It has been really hard to watch TV lately because they seem to appear unexpectedly, like on the Disney Channel or other non-nature channels. (I will now watch movies that I have seen before because I know there are none.) My kids went to camp and they brought several different reptiles for the kids to see. There were pictures in the camp slideshow. So, here is my newest obsessive thought: knowing that my children were there, in the same room with them, possibly holding them. Knowing that they are not afraind and yet I am terrified and would have left a trail of tears and dust as I bolted from the area. It bothers me greatly to know that they were exposed- it is another example of how I cannot control things and especially how avoidance is not fool proof. My kids know my fear and they are very accomodating of it, though they don't understand it. As for "new" or "additional" stressors, I don't think so. I mean, I feel like I always carry a certain level of stress but the rise in this particular issue seems directly related to the increasing exposures. (Which is exactly why I am not willing to engage in exposure therapy- there is no way I could handle feeling like this on purpose!) My T tries to talk about it but I change the subject.

I have one particular phobia which has been an issue for many years. I do not know its source (as far as I know, no incidents involving the subject of my phobia has ever occured) and yet it seems to worsen over the years. Initially, I could not see or be around the object without being overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. Then, I couldn't even handle pictures or seeing it on TV. Now, I cannot say the word- my children, family and close friends know not to say the word; I still can't look at pictures or see one on TV and I most certainly cannot be in the same vicinity or look at one in person. Recently, however, due to some "inadvertent" exposures (photographs and TV, not in person) I am finding that this particular phobia is taking on a bigger life. I am afraid to turn the TV on now for fear I will see one. I am afraid to open magazines or look at websites. I am supposed to be taking my son to several museums and a zoo next month while my daughter is away at camp and, the fact is, I am growing deeply concerned about it. The response I have is not simply an emotional/mental one. It is extremely physcial. It starts at the back of my neck and I suddenly feel it on my skin. I feel my skin crawl. I start to choke and gag (and, in some cases, even vomit.) My head begins to tremble, I get dizzy and faint. I have to escape quickly. But, after the exposure, my thoughts are obsessive and focus on how to avoid future exposures. I actually got "trapped" in an aquarium last summer and my friend had to locate an employee who was able to take me out a back exit because I could not go back the way I came once I realized what I had passed! I was hyperventilating and crying hysterically by time my friend found someone to help, so then embarassment topped it off! Friday, I was watching a slideshow of my kids at camp and out of the blue, there were photographs of these hideous, vile things! Several photos in a row. My body kept lurching forward and I had my face completely covered (in the midst of a group of strangers, no less!) and I literally thought I would die! Just typing about it is bringing back the physcial sensations. Then, later that evening, a little girl starting telling me about some in her yard. And, a neighbor told me she saw one dead in the road! And, while watching TV with my kids last week, there was another one! So, now I am trying to identify whether the increasing fears are truly irrational? (I can accept that the original fear is irrational, but, under the circumstances, is the increasing fear irrational?) I mean, if I have had so many unintended exposures lately, and all of them while taking what I thought were sufficient precautions, then whats to say additional exposures are not just a breath away? I am becoming absolutely terrified that I will be accidentally exposed again so I am beginning to shut off certain outlets- not watching TV, not reading magazines or newspapers, visiting only know/trusted websites, avoiding social situations which involve strangers who, unaware of my phobia, may start talking about this creature! Since this last round of exposures, I have become completely obsessed. I am NOT willing to engage in any type of exposure therapy at this point so that is not an option. AT ALL. I just need to figure out how to get my life back. Or at least find a way to return this phobia to its rightful place. Does anyone else deal with this? I am looking for advice or been there/done that insight. I am going to call T this week and schedule another appt, but, honestly, I am afraid to do even that because, when we discuss this topic, she insists on using the word. :eek:

Personally, I would agree with this statement. I am not agreeing that the behavior was unforgiveable since I don't know what it was (nor do you need to share any more than you are comfortable with) BUT I do agree that if, based upon your morals and beliefs, it was a behavior for which you cannot offer forgiveness, and you are unwilling to remain married to one whom you cannot forgive or trust, there is no point in giving the issue more time. I do, however, wonder, how you determined the behavior to be unforgiveable? (Again, not asking you to share details of the behavior.) Forgiveness is an act which we do for ourselves, not for others. It is a way of letting go of the emotions, pain, and disappointment we hold in our hearts. In other words, you can "forgive" the person, i.e. move on and refuse to allow him to have a hold on your life and, yet, sever the marriage relationship. I will be honest here and tell you that is what I did. My XH also engaged in behaviors I did not want to forgive him for. In fact, I felt he was not "entitled" to forgiveness as he was not repentant, had offered no apology, and had engaged in behavior that we, as a couple, had agreed was morally repugnant. With time, I was able to forgive him and his behaviors in my heart. I have never expressed that forgiveness to him nor due I believe the act of forgiveness requires such an expression. However, despite the forgiveness, the letting go, I chose to end our marriage as the behaviors were repetitive and he had engaged in them after assuring me he would not. There was simply no way to maintain any level of trust whatsoever in that marriage and I refused to remain married to a man whom I could not trust. So, for me anyway, the issues of forgiveness, trust and saving the marriage are separate and, not necessarily dependent upon one another. I think you have to decide what this behavior has done to the sanctity of your marriage? Has the trust been irrevocably broken? If so, can you remain in a marriage without trust? And, most importantly, do you think that, with any amount of time, your feelings or responses to those questions may change? If not, time is irrelevant. Otherwise, take your time and make no rash decisions. I don't envy your position at all.

I have to agree with the others. My T has asked me similar questions about whether I feel a certain way or see certain attributes in myself. I think the goal of those types of questions is to make us look deep inside outselves and try to understand why we feel, say or do certain things. I doubt your T meant to imply you were evil or even that he saw evil in you but, rather, queried whether YOU felt that way about yourself, in an effort to understand why you may feel, say or do certain things. Like the others, I see you as a compassionate, diligent person who, probably as a result of the abuse heaped on you as a child, sees herself as less than "worthy" (as evidenced by your description of your self as "fat," "scary," and "a beast.") It makes me wonder if your T is trying to help you see the fallacy of those perceptions so that you can challenge them as this is a common form of therapy. In other words, if you can see that the basis for your belief is false then you can begin to accept that the belief is incorrect and, once you challenge the belief you can attack the behaviors caused by the false belief. I am glad that you are able to point out the good in yourself, it shows that you do not see yourself as "pure evil" like you saw your dad. You do see a better person inside yourself that did not exist in your father. Do you have "some" characteristics of your father? Sure, I don't see how it would be genetically possible not to. But, whatever characteristics you may have inherited, you are not his clone. You are not him. You are your own person and, even by your self mutilation, you have shown a deep, sincere desire to save everyone else on the planet from the kind of pain and abuse your father exacted on you. I challenge you to ruminate on your T's question. DO YOU see yourself as "like" your father? Or, are there differences? What are those differences? How is your relationship with YOUR son different than your father's relationship was with YOU? Do you believe your father deserved punishment for his treatment of you and your brothers? Do you believe you deserve to be punished? If so, why? I am inclined to think that, if you look at T's question as an opportunity to explore your perception of yourself, especially as compared to one you consider "evil," you would see that any characteristics you share with your father are purely genetic and the choices you have made in your own life have far removed you from being "like" him! ((((HUGS))) hon. I know this is a difficult thing for you to work through but I encourage you to keep working through it with the help of your T. And, know that we are here to encourage and support you and, when needed, reminded you of the generous, kind, giving spirit that you possess!

Welcome aboard! I am glad you feel like you have found a place you are comfortable with. Many of us here deal with varying degrees of social issues, as well as many other issues, so I am sure you will make a connection here. Looking forward to learning more about you!

When my XH and I split, I was very very concerned about what would happen if he sought custody and I had to defend my "mental health" in court. (Due to certain circumstances, he did not seek custody, so it was a non-issue.) I was so concerned about it, in fact, I often delayed or refused to seek treatment because I didn't want more records of my mental illness! But, my Pdoc explained to me that he had been called to testify in custody cases before and that, in his experience, courts look favorably upon parents who seek treatment and that the best interest of the child is all that matters. So, since I was not a threat to my children and, as you described, had a stable home for them, he was not concerned about my mental health history. I still struggle with my issues and am still in treatment BUT I am still a better caregiver than XH and I now feel confident that any court would agree with that! While I can't say with certainty the courts in your state will act the same way, it does seem reasonable to me that, if your issues are long resolved and do not pose a current threat to your children, you should be able to get at least shared custody.