dburney

I think the thing about that quote that rings with me is that it means letting go - absolutely. We, or at least I, tend to stew over things. I let them get me worked up, upset, angry or depressed or anxious. The past is a crutch. One that we may lean on a bit too heavily at times. We hold onto these things to protect ourselves from the future. At least, that's the rationale. But in the process we lose sight of the here and now. We begin to live in past events and worry about future ones. Assuming that there's a correlation, and that by clinging to one we'll somehow effect the other. Letting go of this is scary. It's our security blanket. For me, this was a revelation. Now I just have to put it into practice - that's the hard part. But doing what is best is usually not easy. Shortcuts get you nowhere fast

Andromeda, I've struggled with taming this anger for over twenty years. I've held it in through spite and unhealthy grudges to any who I felt slighted me. I've come to realize this is just one of many barriers I have to face in order to be better. You're not a bad person for feeling angry. The trick is to accept it, feel it, then let it go. It's another mechanism of control, and when we feel we've lost control, that's when things get hairy. Forgiveness and compassion are very difficult. I'm in the throes of wanting to hate my soon-to-be-ex wife, while finally coming to the realization that all this hate and anger I've accumulated have been a poison sucking the life out of me for years. By learning to forgive yourself first and foremost, to be kind and understanding to yourself, then you'll start to relinquish some of that anger. Hang in there.

Really I just want people to see that mental illness is something that you can live with. Yes, it's hard. But it isn't hopeless. Before my life entered this most recent tailspin I had everything a man could want. I just couldn't be happy with it. Now I'm losing my wife of 20 years and I realize that while I've been recovering, I haven't been actively living with my depression and anxiety so much as I've just hid from it. Meds and therapy kept me from feeling happy or sad - so I figured that was better than being depressed. But it isn't. I'm facing my fears and insecurities in an attempt to better manage my illness' - not run away from them. Of course I'm going to get sad and anxious - I realize that happiness and pain, joy and sadness, they are opposite sides of the same coin. I really think there needs to be a platform for survivors to interact, openly, to provide insight, advice and to advocate. And we need to educate young adults, students, young professionals. Plant the seeds of acceptance, tolerance and understanding early on. At some point in the future I hope those of us who are living proof can find a voice and create a wave of change. Start chipping away at the stigma. At the embarrassment and shame. Where is our little pink ribbon? Where's the pride in being a survivor? 1 in 4 - that's a huge chunk of the populace that could be effected by mental illness. And yet, those who are diagnosed often feel like a second-class citizen. And they're afraid to tell people about themselves. Afraid they'll be seen as weak. Crazy. Unstable. sorry to hijack your thread firebolt. DD - I'm not sure what else I can do. I'm starting out by sharing my past experiences, to let others see what I've been through, then when I get to present and to my future, they will see that, yeah, I've been through some shit. And yeah, it still effects me. But I don't let it control me. Not anymore. Sometimes it's hard. I've been in a deep depression for the last several days. But I know it will pass. And that's the big difference this time around. Firebolt - I lived exactly as you are now for most of life. I can tell you that it can get better. But it is difficult. And it starts by slowly being okay with who you are. I know right now you feel like you deserve agony. Like you are a horrible, unlovable person. But you deserve the same love and freedom from suffering that any one else does. At the core, we are all only human beings. We all just want happiness and love. Some connection or bond with other people. And that starts from loving yourself. As hard as it sounds, it's true. That's why it is do difficult. We are our own worst enemies, our most vocal critic. But it is possible. One step at a time. One day, when you're ready, I hope you'll take those first few steps. Until then, take care, and always feel free to talk about things. It helps everyone involved.

Yes, I hear you. My anxiety makes it tough for me to share as well. There are still things that I don't open up to anyone about, I just journal and write - a lot. But I'm getting better at it. Those anxieties - like you said - are about things that are too close to home. Those are fears and insecurities that you have yet to come to terms with. Things that you are afraid to address. And that's fine. We all have those deep insecurities. My epiphany came when I decided to recognize those fears, face them and discover their underlying motivations - and do it honestly. Even if I didn't share it with anyone else, I shared with myself. And even if I'm not actively working on addressing those specific fears - I know that they're there. And I know that I will, in time, face them when I'm ready. I horribly insecure and afraid of loneliness. Of being alone with myself, because that means looking at some pretty bad stuff. And accepting responsibility for it. And ultimately, being okay with it. In time, that will allow me to love myself. Because I know now that as long as I cling to others for my self worth, I'll continue to place my heart in harms way. And will only hurt myself and those I love. You'll get there. Take your time, but always try to be honest, with yourself at least. That is the one thing that I ran from for sooooo many years. Eventually you'll begin to share that with your therapist. And the real healing can begin. I wish you the best of luck. Please don't hesitate to ask me any questions, or vent, or whatever. It may take me a day or two to respond, but I do care and have the best of intentions. I want to help - and most importantly, provide hope or inspiration, or whatever it takes for you to believe that someday you'll be okay!

Impossibly insane? Nah. I did a lot of what you are doing now when I was younger. It's rough. It hurts like hell. Honestly, if you were able to get counseling now you could start down that long, long road to recovery. But I understand if you're not there yet. Opening up like that is admitting to yourself and your loved ones that you need help. That's very hard to do. I could never do it when I was younger. Though I'm glad I did decide to get help at some point. In the meantime, you DON'T NEED her to validate you. That's a weight you yourself are adding to your emotional turmoil. I know it feels shitty though. Self hatred breeds from deep inside ourselves - even if you look calm, reasoned and lovable on the outside it can consume you inside. It's important to realize that this is all brought on by internalizing everything. Holding ourselves up to impossibly high standards. And always feeling like not only can we not meet our standards, but those around us as well. Most often, this is not the case. Believe me, I know it's hell sometimes. The only way out is to go straight through it - and that means someday confronting it - not just languishing in it. You'll get there someday. Hopefully sooner than later. In the meantime, feel free to let it all out here. I'm also part of many support groups over at dailystrength.org - it's a bit more active. But this is a great place to lie low and just let it out.

Firebolt - I was very much like this when I was younger. It can be excruciating trying to measure up to your own standards. And that's okay - but like IrmaJean says, try being a little compassionate towards yourself. You're using a lot of negative words directed at yourself - you sound like a worthy, caring friend. Anyone who is going through a mental crisis that has someone to talk to is already in a better place. Just by listening, not judging, you are doing your friend a great service. Sometimes we all wish we could do more than we should. We all wish we could be a little different inside. The big turning point for me was when I stopped being so harsh with myself. I hope you're doing better in these coming days.

Harlo - it's great that you're in therapy. It's an important first step. I've found the majority of my anxieties stem from fear. In your case there are a multitude of fears that could result from being with the therapist. You have to share things, private things. That can be scary. You're probably concerned that there's some way to "be" in therapy. And that is not the case either. There is no right or wrong way. And like Lala says - there's likely pressure on yourself to get a move on and see some results. Whether you realize it or not, all of these thoughts, and probably more, invade your subconscious. One of the tricks I've learned is to get to the root of these feelings. You'll get there! It just takes time and a lot of patience with yourself and with your support groups (friends, therapists, etc.). As far as your therapist goes - give him a shot. If you feel like he isn't the right fit for you, then by all means, you need to find someone else. It's important for you to feel comfortable and confident in your therapist. But, try to be open-minded at first. Each therapist has their own methods and techniques that they've used over the years. I wouldn't assume that you know more than he does Often times it's a matter of them figuring out how to make you comfortable and how to get the information they need out of you. Sometimes they really know more than they let on - at least in my experience. Be patient with him and with yourself. Be honest as well. Don't be ashamed to talk to him about things. The more truthful you are, the better his assessment and your treatment. You can be well. I can't tell you that it goes away. And I can't tell you that it's easy. But I can tell you it is possible to live with your fears and anxieties and not struggle against them to point that you have in the past. Keep climbing. Keep journaling. And keep sharing. Spread the word - we don't have to be afraid. We can fight the fear and change the world.

Harlo - hope you're doing well. Just checking in on you. Been a rough couple of weeks for myself but it's manageable. I hope you're taking care of yourself and finding the tools that you need. Mostly, be patient. It's a very tall mountain to climb. And we all occasionally slip. There's nothing wrong with that.

I understand where you're coming from. For me the trick was recognizing what really needed to change. I was in a bad place for a long time. Unable to be happy, unable to be grateful for all that I had. Now that it has all come crashing down I'm forced to re-evaluate things on a level I never thought I would be able to. I don't think it's about correcting the shortcomings as it is realizing which ones are doing the most damage. Which ones are holding you back. As you progressively work toward the root of those issues, other things just fall into place. You mention your temper, while it may not be a shortcoming that you think needs to be addressed, what happens if you try to establish the motives for losing your temper so quickly? I found that by addressing my motives - without judgement, I was able to see the irrational patterns of thought that cause many of my reactions. Yes, learn to love yourself. Learn to be okay with who you are. But that also means looking into the mirror and staring down the ugly parts to - if you do it honestly. And instead of criticizing yourself, reflect on how those ugly parts became a part of you. Is it something you want to carry around with you? Personally, I don't. Not because I'm rejecting the person that I am, but because I genuinely want to grow and extend compassion. Be rid of the anger and fear and anxieties and insecurities that I've carried around and ignored for so long. I'm glad you're feeling better. Keep up the good work. But don't be to hard on yourself - arbitrary dates to accomplish this or that can be self-defeating. Start out small. This site has been a great influence on me and trying to simplify things so that I am proud of the things I accomplish - because they're things that I want to be doing. Things I can be passionate about. http://zenhabits.net/start/ Hope you keep doing well!

Some cognitive behavioral therapy could go a long way. It also sounds like there may be some codependency issues that are unresolved. Please don't take any offense to our advice - I've been there, I'm right there now suffering through a separation/divorce from my wife of nearly 20 years. I've been examining all my unresolved issues, trying to determine how and why I love this woman who has done me such harm. Why do I have such a strong desire to be with her still? As angry as I am, as hurt, I still just want her. But she wants her boyfriend - and it seems we get a kick out of wanting things that we can't or aren't supposed to have. And this typically goes back to past issues of security, control and abandonment. "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson helped me immensely. But any help you can get will be beneficial. this is a great first step. From here you can share and get advice. Hopefully you can get to the point that you are comfortable looking for more personal help, from a therapist or medical professional or in a group support setting. It's obviously interfering with "normal" living - so it needs to be addressed. Good luck.

Hi Frazzled - I experience a lot of what you go through. Looking for answers. Theorizing to myself about all manner of things. I believe that it is in part an act of distraction. But it is also, for me anyway, an act of control. I read about psychology, about the brain, the self help books WITHOUT a spiritual slant. Because I want to know what the f*ck is wrong with me. I want to see if there's a way to control it. I want to fix things. I've always been a fixer and people pleaser, and right now it's more of the same. At least I'm getting some benefit from it. It always helps me to examine motive. Why am I doing this or that? Why am I feeling this or that? Is it important? Does it matter? If so, why? Many times I drill down to the core of things and it really just boils down to fear. Fear of loss, fear of loneliness, fear of losing control. Yet this constant search for lasting security is futile. And we literally drive ourselves nuts looking for it. But it's all we know. Since we've been born we've sought that comfort, that security. We've always clung to that blanket - or to our mother's pant leg. And for those like me, who let issue after issue of abandonment and disappointment pile up, well, it comes back to bite you in the ass. At least, it has me. Hope things are well!

I will definitely check out the workbook. I will actually be in California next week. I'll extend my thoughts and take a deep breath for all those, including you, who wish they could be there, but can not. The Abandonment book I mentioned has been key to me uncovering all those skeletons and dealing with them. I've made so much progress just in the last six weeks as a result of digging deep into who and the why of me. It's very scary stuff - you not only confront all the things that have wronged you, but also address your responsibility in the emotional mess. And that's where the Fear Book helps me. I read it, I re-read it. I highlight passages from it. Keep up the journaling. It has been a saving grace for me and I realize only now after 10 years of journaling that I really love to write. And that between writing and helping others in mental illness community I can finally begin to do something that I'm passionate about. Nothing fills me with greater joy than to read a response like yours. It gives me hope, builds my confidence and lets me know that somewhere, someone will listen.

I like malign's response. He's right - knowing it's there and acknowledging the feelings (whether it's OCD, depression or anxiety or anything else related) is really only the first step. But it's an important one. Treatment can be a long, arduous process. And it may take several tries to find a therapy, or therapist or medicines that can help you. But stick with it. You've already made one of the most important steps. We're all rooting for you. And this is the place to let it all out. Good luck.

Hunter - way to go. Kudos for standing up for yourself. Just remember to take care of yourself. You have to go through the grieving process as well. I understand what it's like to be mental and to live with all that emotional instability. And you just want to break that cycle. A book that has really helped me is "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. Loss of love, loss of life, loss of a job, it's all abandonment and has similar emotional effects. This really allowed me to get to the root of grievances that I hadn't fully addressed, even as a kid. Take care - I wish the best for you.