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Hi, I am writing this because I have been consumed by guilt and shame over something TERRIBLE that I did. Before I go into detail about what I did, I would like to share some information about myself that may be useful in understanding my situation here. I’m a straight male, currently 17, and in my senior year of high school. I was raised in an upper middle class family by two loving and supportive parents, (I’m an only child). I’ve always had a pretty great and care-free life, at least until the summer before 8th grade. This was the summer that my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I still remember the terrible feeling I got; that my world was being torn apart, when my parents sat me down and told me. I had never really had anything bad happen to me before this. Also adding to my stress, that year I got REALLY bad cystic acne that totally demolished my self-esteem, as well as any confidence I had with girls. As if it wasn’t bad enough, this was also the year I discovered internet pornography, I quickly became addicted. As time went on, my addiction grew stronger and my mother grew weaker. My addiction took up time that I SHOULD have spent with my dying mother. But no, I was too stupid to put aside my addiction. Then, my sophomore year, my mother died. I remember being picked up from school by my Uncle, they pulled me out of my 3rd period. I knew it was my mom before they told me why I was leaving. I got home and my dad told me her body was shutting down. I broke down and started sobbing. I walked up the stairs and stopped at the top trying to stop crying so I could be strong in front of her. I walked into her room and saw her laying in the bed. Her eyes were closed and I realized how weak she was. I hugged her and she held me, she was barely able to whisper “it’s ok.” I broke down in tears again, and as she held me I felt like a scared little kid again. After she died, I realized how short life was and how badly I wanted to stop my addiction. Unfortunately it only got worse. The only positive side of this story is that my acne has almost gone away, and I actually think I’m somewhat attractive now. I’ve grown more confident with girls and a some have even told me they find me attractive, but I still have never had a girlfriend. Now here’s where I REALLY fucked up. Toward the end of my junior year (around April) I started reading these fictional sexual stories online about adults having sex with underage kids. Let me say that I’m NOT attracted to kids and would NEVER accept behavior like this in real life. The only reason I could get off on these stories was due to the taboo nature. It was wrong, I knew that, and it made it exciting. Then over the summer, I did something even worse. I looked up pictures of little girls (usually around 10) and masturbated to them. I did this a few times. It WAS NOT child porn. Just pictures of young girls I found on images, not sexual in nature. I could never watch child porn and the thought makes me want to vomit. I knew it was wrong and yet I did it anyways. I stopped, and haven’t done it in months, but now that I reflect on my actions I am absolutely appalled that I did something like this. I feel like a total monster. I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve to be alive, and I would honestly kill myself but I don’t want to do that to my dad, he’s lost too much already. Even though I’ve never viewed CP, I feel guilt like I have. Even though I’ve never molested anyone nor wanted to, I feel guilty like I have. I don’t know how I was OK with doing these things, and am unsure why I am just now realizing how wrong it was. Not to mention I think one of the pictures was of a girl around 6. I’ve struggled with social anxiety and depression before I did these disgusting things , but my shame has exacerbated these issues. I’ve self harmed before as well, both as a release of emotion and as self-punishment for what I’ve done. I’m not a pedophile but have been comparing myself to them. I’ve been getting a LOT of instrusive thoughts and cannot stop obsessing about my mistakes. I’ve broken down in tears and have come close to a panic attack on multiple occasions due to my shame and guilt. Had I done these bad things when I was younger, (like 13) I would have been able to forgive myself, as I would’ve thought it to be sexual experimentation. But since I’m 17, this is not an excuse. I CANNOT move past this and whenever someone is talking to me or says I am a good person all I can think is ”if you knew what I’ve done you’d want to kill me”. I want to get a girlfriend, get married, and have kids, but I fear confessing these things to her someday. Had it been a “normal” porn addiction, I wouldn’t have as much shame, but because I read these stories and looked at these pictures, it’s not “normal”. It’s despicable. I’ve read a lot about OCD and obsessive/intrusive thoughts lately, and thought maybe that’s why I’m feeling guilty. Then I remember that I actually DID something, which is different than just having a thought. I want to die. Please help. PS sorry about the long post I just really had to get this off my chest.

I found this really interesting:http://www.nacr.org/wordpress/986/let-go-of-shame Rejecting shame.. I like that.

So therapy really does like to bring things to the surface, and that's been great. I'm in the middle of switching therapists because I fell in love with my last one. It was very eye-opening. Would like to share some stuff in the hopes of obtaining some insight. Perhaps someone might have some thoughts or see some pattern I am not quite seeing. I am a fetishists - of the feederism variety - and have been for as long as I can recall (Mb 5 or 6 years old). I seems to have heard that there is some sort of correlation between abuse and fetishism, but I don't know that it applies to me. I masturbated a lot, at least what I would consider a lot now. To try to quantify, it went from 4-5 times in one session to up to about 17. Ending on an odd number or an even number had meaning - though I can't quite recall what. As a got to my early teens, I would masturbate with my clothes on while playing video games or watching tv while alone in my room. Would sometimes masturbate so much/ quickly that I would bleed. It got to tiresome at points because I would spend two hours after going to bed trying to find the perfect masturbatory equation where I could fall asleep. It would start off as pleasurable, but eventually the refractory periods became too long and it was just tiresome. I persisted to climax no less than 5 times each night. Usually it was between 7- 12 times. I know that that sort of self-exploration is natural, intellectually. However, I did get scolded by my mother on at least one occasion that I recall. Does this seem curious as a pattern? Or perhaps I am looking too deep because of the shame from my fetish and upbringing.

Hey guys! I am new to this forum and I wanted to start a post about the stigma of mental illness in today's society. Unfortunately this is something that still runs rampant. In a culture today which is more or less accepting of gays, and people of all different beliefs and cultural backgrounds you would think that mental illness would be treated as any other disease. Sadly, this is not the case. People who suffer from mental illness are the ones who in my opinon need the most support and unconditional love. I myself have been unwittingly battling depression since the age of 9 and was only diagnosed and medicated a little over a year ago. I am 21 now. I felt such shame about my diagnosis, I could barely say the word depression out loud, because that would mean branding myself with the unmentionable. I never told my closest friends about it for the longest time. I was hurting so deeply in silence because of my fear to come clean about my illness. Even now, I keep my condition pretty hush hush. ONly those closest to me know. I'm afraid if it were to get out it could affect my career, social life, and dating. I am no longer ashamed of who I am, but the reality is I still am not able to fully disclose who I am because of the above mentioned reasons. This is ridiculous. Having experienced depression pretty badly myself I know how much it would have helped if I had had the courage I needed to come clean. Depression is not a result of lacking willpower or strength of character. On the contrary, the people I know whom have suffered depression are the strongest people I know. Depression is the hardest disease because there is no one bringing you get well cards or flowers. You are all alone in your darkness and have to fight through it on your own. No one around you truly knows what you are dealing with. They just see you as lazy, irresponsible or self centered. I had so many misunderstandings with my friends when I would seemingly blow them off because I was "tired" when really I barely had the strength to live another day. They saw me as being uncaring, but that was the time I needed them the most. We all have to work together to eradicate this stigma of mental illness so the people suffering in silence can truly get the help they need.

Hi, I'm Nia....... I'm embarrassed about who I am. I'm so confused, I can't remember things, I'm so unhappy. I recently had an "eye-opener" about my mental state...it was the most embarrassing and thought provoking incident. Everytime I think about it...I become sad and I cry. I've been soooo against "seeing someone" I dont want this stigma attatched to me. I dont want to know that something is wrong with me. I just cant take it. I was living with someone and I took my dvd player to their home because they didnt have one....so I took mine so i could play it. When I left their to come back home I "thought" I bought it back home...I was so sure that I "could physically see myself" bringing it home and hooking it up. I just couldnt remember if I did or not...so my mind told me that I did. So when it wasnt here I thought someone came into my apartment and took it....because my mind told me i bougth it home. So about 1 month passed by and I was over their house again...I remember INSTINCTLY saying to myself....If my dvd player is here...."then I know...I'm crazy"....omg'ness when I found the dvd player at their house...i was just sick! All the emotion behind thinking someone came into my apartment and took it, all the anger I build up around it...just to find that I had indeed left it at my friends house was just too much. It wasnt just that incident but I've other incidents that just let me know something is not right in my head. I go through these "cycles" within myself where I feel paranoid....like someone is following me. Then it will go away...then I go through these "cycles" of repetative arguments in my head and within myself, full blown conversations in my head. My thoughts completely consume me..to the point where I become to exhausted within my mind and myself. It's a never ending cycle of madness. I can actually become angry over things that haven't happended yet...but I tell myself they have...and I can literally feel angry over them...then come to find out...that what I was angry about either "never happended" or "never existed". Just totally embarrassed. Need help.