ThePetPerson Posted April 3, 2012 Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 Sure, life was hard, it was really sh*t growing up and I had to go through many things that most people won't ever have to even think about. But nobody ever intended to hurt me. Nothing I went through was anybody's fault but I still end up broken. I am weak and let myself become this. I wasn't abused as a child, nobody touched me in the wrong way or hit me any more than was normal. So I don't deserve to feel like this. If I am weak enough to let this happen then I don't deserve to feel happy either. I am just pathetic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted April 3, 2012 Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 :)Petperson everyone deserves some happiness. Sometimes you just have to look for it and if you are looking for it you have to be open to it. Statements like "I don't deserve it" serve to keep you down. You said no one ever hurt you. Have you hurt someone? Why is it that you think you don't deserve to be happy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePetPerson Posted April 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 I hurt many people. I cause people stress and worry. I won't deny that I am loved and cared for and I appreciate it all greatly but I don't want to be loved or cared for, I am worthless and just a burden on everyone. I am no good to myself or others. I want to be left to myself to die, so I am not causing anyone any more pain in life or in death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andromeda Posted April 3, 2012 Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 (edited) Im sorry to hear you are feeling so bad PetPerson.:(Dont judge yourself so much.We all somethimes hurt people who we love.Try to forgive yourself.You are not worthless nobody is.You cant be burden to people that care for you Edited April 3, 2012 by Andromeda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted April 3, 2012 Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 Petperson Just by expressing yourself here you have proven your worth as you have caused me to think. Think about the fortunes and misfortunes in my life and the pain I have suffered and caused and the beauty I have brought about as a result. You have stirred my compassion so that it will stay strong and fresh and not grow old and stale and you have reminded me that I too am human. Sometimes the simple natural act of feeling and expressing pain can take the pain away from somewhere else.I do hope you feel better but I want to thank you for sharing this with me today Good Luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devils daughter Posted April 3, 2012 Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 Is there anything new that has happened that you are feeling so seriously depressed again? Is your family doing anything that provides any comfort at all? If not, they may not know how. If they feel stress and worry that does not mean that you "cause" it. Their feelings are their feelings. Do you believe that they love you? If so, then seeing you in a bad place can be hard for them to watch. But that's their choice. Would they want to turn off their love for you because it is hard for them? They could do that. Stress and worry are a part of life sometimes. Do you think it might help if you talked to them about feeling bad and like you cause them stress and worry? Or -- maybe it might help THEM if you give them a chance to get to talk about their feelings of stress and worry? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePetPerson Posted April 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 All I seem to do is hurt the people I care about, I make no positive impact on anyone's life. I am told that I'm always "moping" around and making others feel miserable, apparently "it's getting boring".. I try and try to keep up the happy mask around people, I can hide behind them and not even acknowledge what is in my mind, and if I can't manage that I stay out of the way. But there comes a point where I can't do what is expected of me. I have days where getting out of bed is the most I can manage, and even then it's more trouble than it's worth. There is nothing that has happened to make me feel so depressed, life is better than it has eber been. But I don't want to be alive, I am living to make other people happy but I can't even do that, so why do I bother at all? There will never be a "right time" to commit suicide, so what am I waiting for? If I die, people are sad for a while but they get over it in time, but the longer I live, they worry and stress, they get upset and don't know what to do because there is nothing they can do, and whilst I am alive, they can't move on from that. Talking to my family is not easy. I really have nothing to say, and the one person who listened to me when they wanted to know what was going on tells me that I am trying to manipulate her with my self harm and such. She is not willing to discuss her feelings, only tell me that she is fed up with me and wants me to go to a doctor. Does this mean she doesn't care for or love me, only herself and the rest of her family? I can't blame her for that. At least that means she knows that I am a terrible, worthless person. Then there is my boyfriend, who is the reason I live. I love him and could never do anything to hurt him, so for as long as he wants me, I will remain living. He cares, he worries, he cries over my cutting, he gets so upset over the things I tell him that I have in my head, so I choose not to share things anymore, I let him think that all is well, because I can't bear to see him hurt... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devils daughter Posted April 3, 2012 Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 It doesn’t sound to me like there’s anybody in your family who understands you very well. That’s not intended as a criticism, just a statement of fact.When that happens it can lead us to be unable to acknowledge ourselves to ourselves, which leads to depression. And if we want something, which we can’t even acknowledge to ourselves, then it can kind of come out subconsciously sometimes in a way that feels to others as if it is manipulative. Talking to my family is not easy. I really have nothing to say, and the one person who listened to me when they wanted to know what was going on tells me that I am trying to manipulate her with my self harm and such. She is not willing to discuss her feelings, only tell me that she is fed up with me and wants me to go to a doctor. Have you considered seeing a doctor? I don’t know what the system is like in the UK but it sounds to me like the family could use some counseling, too, so that you could all learn how to understand each other better. Is that a possibility for you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted April 3, 2012 Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 Pet person talking is only going to help if you find the right person to talk to. Have you tried a guidance councellor or administrator or even a hotline?You might think you don't want to live right now but if you die you will never know what it is like to be dead. If you live then eventually you will know what it is like to be ALIVE! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted April 3, 2012 Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 You're right: there will never be a "right time" to kill yourself.Think about that, though. It means that now is not the right time, either.In fact, the cool thing about suicide is that you can always do it later, if you have to. It doesn't work the same the other way: you can't do it and then decide some day that you'd like to try again.So the question is what do you try now? My suggestion: try to live at all costs. Forget about whether stuff might feel difficult to you, or that some of it might bore other people (who said it was your job to entertain them, anyway?) Just do what you need to do: find professional help, and use it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePetPerson Posted April 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 I have seen a school nurse who referred me to a young persons specialist mental health service in my area. I have met with a therapist there four times and I like her very much and so I find it very easy to be open and honest with her. The problem is, she has come to a loss as to what to do with me and says she has great concerns about me. I was seeing her once a week and she has been checking up on me through text but at the end of our last session she sent me home on my word that I will not end my life and should I consider it and catch myself making plans, I am to contact her or phone one of the many numbers she has given me and has decided she would like to see me twice a week and has arranged for me to begin meeting with a psychiatrist to gain a 'formal diagnosis' and look at the possibility of medication as she feels this is "what will be most helpful to me at this stage due to the severity of my state". As for family counselling, it is not really possible. I live with my aunt, her partner and my cousins, my aunt being the only one aware of any 'issues'. She is a wonderful woman who works hard for her family and due to my cousin having a severe form of autism she has a lot to cope with as it is. I have spoken about her to the therapist who thinks that it is a good idea for us to meet with her (which has been arranged for next Friday.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
devils daughter Posted April 3, 2012 Report Share Posted April 3, 2012 I certainly hope those plans will help. A hotline is a good back-up plan if you need it, too. I have called one in my area twice – not so much because suicide was imminent but because I felt so strongly that it was the road I was headed down.In the process of looking up hotline numbers I learned that one of the most popular organizations for suicide prevention is in the UK. It may be one of the numbers that your therapist has already given you. Here’s a link if you ever need it:http://www.samaritans.org/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rainquietly Posted August 28, 2014 Report Share Posted August 28, 2014 I have the exact same thoughts and feelings towards myself as ThePetPerson. It's almost uncanny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loveangelxox Posted December 27, 2014 Report Share Posted December 27, 2014 I feel like I don't deserve to be happy all the time ever since I was sexually abused I kept thinking it was my fault even though it wasn't and I kept telling myself I'll never get a loving bf because I'm damaged I feel like I'm too much for anyone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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