Would just like to know what people think I guess.

[Calla]

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[DahliMOMMA]

Hi, Calla.

I just wanted to post a quick response to your post, reading it I had a few thoughts come up...

I wanted to offer support as to "no" you aren't a "wimp" in the relationship dept ...and will explain why I think so however, unfortunately, have a deadline I need to meet at the moment...but I will try to get on to post my thoughts later today after I get my papers submitted.

[Buttons]

Hi Calla,

The way you push people away is indeed a defence mechanism. It seems typical in people who have been hurt by people they trusted. It sounds to me like you've been hurt over and over again. All I can say is that I understand how you are feeling.

You blame yourself for a lot, but you must realise that it is not your fault. Relationships have been very difficult for you, and remember that relationships involve more than one person. Not to mention, your "friends" do not sound too friendly at times.

Have you spoken to anyone about these issues before? If you haven't already, and if it is in your budget, you may want to speak with a therapist. They can help you learn how to trust again, which is important in any relationship.

Please don't feel like your life is "doomed" never to have relationships again. You can do it, and you deserve to have those relationships. You just need some reassurance and support, which of course you can find here.

Just as a side note, when you say that you're sorry because you know people have been through far worse, that doesn't mean your feelings don't matter. You are obviously distraught over this. You own your own feelings and you have every right to be upset. Your issues obviously warrant discussion. And you're not a wimp. It takes so much courage to discuss heavy issues like this, even in an anonymous environment. So you deserve a pat on the back just for having written it down here!

[Calla]

:) .............................

[DahliMOMMA]

Calla,

Hi....Sorry it has taken me a little bit to get back to your post.

I was struck in reading your post(s) at how deep the level of betrayal you have run into has been. By this I mean that it sounds like more than once you have been it the " last to know" boat, essentially a 'double betrayal', your partner and then the 'friends' who are aware of his actions and not acting in your interest to make you aware of it.

It has got to be extra painful, and be a huge cause of mistrust and self doubt in your life, after all you might think," well, they could all see it am I blind/stupid??" also questioning why friends would in essence, by non-disclosure support someone in further hurting you. It would make sense to address your feelings/coping skills in both the areas of relationships and friendships...and work on getting comfortable that the network of friends you have will have your back.

Also, the early boyfriends suicide seems significant...You said you felt more confident in moving on back then..Did his subsequent death make you feel in some way guilty??? This type of death, even an ex, can really affect us....Have you worked through this with someone???

In another post you had mentioned the idea of "domination"...I think this idea appealing to you does make sense on some level. If you have had more 'normal' relationships before that were emotionally very painful maybe you are wanting to feel a different sense in the sexual relationship to avoid that feeling of "okay, this is great...SSOOOooo, when is the shoe going to drop? how is THIS guy going to hurt me??" and the whole raise hell and push away before they get a chance to do so comes up. (also, a totally 'normal defense reaction' )

This would be your way of changing the dynamics of the 'relationship' so your defenses aren't up before something happens. You could explore this...it would be something I would do very cautiously, need to look into right person, have clear ideas of what you would/would not do...safe word, etc.

But this would not be a substitute for dealing with these issues ( for your own health, peace of mind...also, if you did attempt a relationship I would consider letting partner be aware of these trust issues and you tendency to push away people before they can hurt you.

If you really care about this most recent guy, sounds like you may have had pretty deep feelings...you may want to let him in on this (don't think I hear you talk about going over any of this history with him). Maybe even doing individual/couple therapy and seeing if you could get comfortable with trusting and not push away. If this is not an option financially, maybe some type of support group (like PTSD etc) would be a help. I used to attend an EA group(Emotions Anonymous) this was decades ago, not sure if they still have things like that.

Hope my thoughts give you something to think about. ((HUGS)) Best of luck.

[Calla]

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[Calla]

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[DahliMOMMA]

(((CALLA)))

You did so well in your post to yourself BTW!

I can sense the pain of your choice earlier in life as well....It is SOOO COMMON that woman feel pain and self-doubt whether they struggle through a a single parent, end the pregnancy or give up for adoptions...Any of these is a huge choice and you feel it the rest of your life. The goal is to make peace with this choice, and to forgive yourself and accept that you made the best choice you were capable of making at that time in your life...It's okay!! You did your best. Children sometimes come into being for just a little while, even just in our whom (sp?) for the purpose of making us be certain people, living through certain struggles...even if they are never in our arms, or are for just a little while...or if they end up with us a lifetime. Even a brief life has a purpose.

Again, hugs to you...MEG

[Calla]

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[sparklism]

Calla,

In response to saying that therapy is not in your budget and noticing you are in the UK too. In my counselling session today, which I am lucky enough to get free through the university, my therapist did say to me that I was perfectly within my rights to ask for the same treatment through my GP rather than the university service. The NHS run CBT courses as well and if you go to your GP and ask for it, you should be able to get it for free. It can't harm to try? It sounds like CBT will help you immensely from what you have said here and on your reply in my thread.

You have been through a lot and it seems like you blame yourself. I know I'm not the best person to say this given that I'm guilty of doing it myself but you must not compare your problems with other people's problems. Something that is a problem to you is there precisely because it affects you. Everyone is different, Calla and it sounds like you've tried to force yourself to have a thick skin for too long, they are your problems and you have as much a right as anyone else to feel what you feel about them. Allow yourself to grieve, both for your ex and your child. And then try to forgive yourself.

If you are like me, you will try to tackle everything at once. I personally don't think that works (although I insist on doing it), I think you have to tackle things one thing at a time. Well done for replying to yourself, that was brave. I hope it helped you some.

[Calla]

Thank you. Yes I do tackle all things...or maybe avoid all things I'm not sure! You are much braver than me. It is easy for me to sit at the other end of a computer and give advice but I'm afraid I HATE my doctor, he is horrible. So I won't go to him...I almost won't give him the satisfaction I think!! That is why I am trying CBT the self taught way. It's having some good affects to be honest so it's not all bad.

But like I say please let us know, if you really think it helps than maybe I will be spurred on to ask ....oh no pressure (that sounded a bit much sorry!! )

[sparklism]

As long as you are getting some benefit from it then surely it's a good think that you are doing it self taught?

I don't see myself as brave. I've been accused of being pragmatic before which may play a part in my decisions. But I was literally at my wits end the other night when I first posted. I needed to do something as I can't go on feeling like this anymore. But you are doing something positive too remember, the self taught course requires bravery too as you still need to be honest with yourself about how you feel and why.

Of course I will let you know how I get on, it didn't sound like you pressured me!

[Calla]

Hi FromtheMoon, if you find this

I was thinking the other day how one of my earliest memories is my older sister and her friend telling me that my parents had a child that died before me. The implication being I wouldn't be here if it hadn't happened. I've always felt I shouldn't be here and what a lovely happy family they would be if that baby had lived.

I'm sorry if it all feels trivial.

[Calla]

I wish I could learn how to multi quote to show which bit I was responding too

I'm sorry your relationship with your mother was like that. I don't like that theory that children "owe" their parents. They made the choice to have children so they owe it to their offspring to do all they can...in my opinion. It must be difficult to not be able to grieve. I worry I will be like that with my father.

I would like to write more if that's ok but I'll give you a break for now I was going to say I hope I can return the favour one day BUT actually I'd rather hope that you would never be in need of my help...if you see what I mean But if you should do I can listen too, not just talk.

[Calla]

Oh no, it's never really been discussed. It has been briefly mentioned in the past. I know she was diagnosed with depression afterwards. Took AD but she said they just put her to sleep so she never went back. That was over 30yrs ago but she decided she didnt want any help (sound familiar)

We do have a fairly close relationship. We talk a lot but nothing to "meaningful" and never any hugging or anything. I remember once I cried about something and felt terrible because I knew I had made her really uncomfortable and she didn't know what to do, just patted my shoulder.

And if I say anything about feeling unwell or anything physical it's always "oh you think you've got problems I'm worse etc etc" So i don't really mention mental issues. Although in the past she said she thought I may have mild depression. Don't get me wrong I know she cares and is always trying to help me but shes never told me she loves me or anything.

My Dad and I have a slightly fraught relationship. I get the feeling he loves me but doesn't really like me. i was a bit of a problem teenager and i dont think I#ve been forgiven. He is hugely critical of everything I do. Small things, I guess he is like that with a lot of people but I get so sick of it. He's always going on about me not doing enough work. but I live alone and pay my own bills so it shouldn't really be his place to comment. My Mum says it's out of concern and caring but it's never voiced that way. So i sometimes think they must wonder what it would be like if their baby had lived. It's awful but I dread that my Mum may die first and I'll be left having to try and have conversations with my Dad. It's painful sometimes. I feel uncomfortable having to talk alone with him.

Having said that my Mum always seems a bit jealous if we do chat. I went round the other day and straight away my Dad was showing me something on computer for about 5 mins. She said "you do remember I exist?" And I feel she could be the one to get us together as a family more. I'm not very close to my sister either and my Mum gets her round one day and me another. Not really helping us all come together/ I'm not blaming her there is obviously an insecuity there too.

Thank you for listening. I've run on enough for today i think!!!!

[Aaron.X.C]

To go to one point about multi-quoting. Theirs like 4 buttons on the bottom right side of each reply/post. In order from left to right: Quote, Multi-Quote, Quick Reply, Blog this Post. To multi-quote click on the multi-quote button, you are now quoting that post click the same button on other posts to multi-quote those posts, then hit the big Quote button. IT will quote them, and leave you room to respond I like to put my reply above the quotes. Or to be exact I put each reply above the certain quote. Its also about spacing.

No worries. I don’t know how to multi quote either. I understand your response. Why don’t you have a close relationship with your dad?

I would like you to write more. You help me all the time, even if I don’t always respond or say so. Thanks for listening. I will probably write more in the next few days in the other thread called Living with an invisible condition. But here I’d like to hear more from you. Did you say anything to your mom about the lost sibling before you were born?

I wish I could learn how to multi quote to show which bit I was responding too

I'm sorry your relationship with your mother was like that. I don't like that theory that children "owe" their parents. They made the choice to have children so they owe it to their offspring to do all they can...in my opinion. It must be difficult to not be able to grieve. I worry I will be like that with my father.

I would like to write more if that's ok but I'll give you a break for now I was going to say I hope I can return the favour one day BUT actually I'd rather hope that you would never be in need of my help...if you see what I mean But if you should do I can listen too, not just talk.

[Calla]

I still don't understand the multi quote!! Oh dear, feeling technically old!! But thank you for trying!!

But yes that is interesting about my Mum not feeling loved. I remember very clearly as a child a little girl who lived near us saying that me and my sister were wrapped in cotton wool and it was sad (we weren't given the freedom other kids were) And we told our Mum...as kids do. And she said that as a child her Mum never cared where she was and it showed no one cared. So we maybe wrapped in cotton wool but at least it showed we were cared about. I remember feeling quite good about that. So I know she cares just has trouble showing it.

My Dad is a bit of a strange one. My job is a bit unusual and something that some people think is exciting (unless you actually do it then you realise it's really not!!) and ocassionally he will just say "we're proud of what you've achieved" and once said "Most of what I talk about at golf is you and your job" So I get that he is proud. But he is very driven by money which is definitely something i didn't inherit! So can't understand my rather "simple" way of living (working enough but not driven by ambition) But for example the other day I was using a foot pump....and apparently doing it wrong!!!!!!! Thats the way it always is, I wait for the day I'm breathing wrong.

But no I couldn't really talk to them about anything of meaning I'm afraid. And it's only the 4 of us, no other relatives to talk to. I miss that I think too, no grandparents or aunties. I have an Uncle but haven't seen him for about 15yrs as he is far away,

[Calla]

The baby actually died during birth. So she was real and there. Then they had to make do with second best.

I don't know if most of my problems come from family. I think a lot of it is some form of ptsd over my exes suicide.

And also my job. I've seen some horrible things.

Anyway I think people are getting fed up of me on here. I'm getting some not so nice responses to things. So I think I'm not going to talk about me anymore and give anyone ammunition. But thank you so much for your time

[Calla]

I think maybe with me it's that no 1 major thing has happened to affect me but just lots of smaller things have a combined weight thats crushed me a bit. But then I am overly sensitive and most people would cope differently.

My ex was always talking about suicide when we were together. All my friends had boyfriends through school but because I am rather unattractive I didn't. So when I met my ex I was flattered by the attention. But looking back it was not great judgement on my part. My Mum said afterwards that she was always worried I wasn't going to come home when I went out with him!! But like most parents she didn't say anything at the time in case I rebelled!

But we just used to think he was attention seeking as he said it in a kind of jokey way. And he was into dark things like skulls etc. So it was just his personality.

So I dont' know what finally made him do it. My problem ahs always been guilt. but not because he did it because that was his choice. But because of my reaction to it.

I feel like my depression is punishment for being so hard about it. Someone trying to show me what he must have been going through and I didn't care.

[Calla]

Left school at 16. Met him at 18 through a mutual friend. That was back in the days I had a large group of friends. And he worked with one of them. I found out he only dated me because he found out I was a virgin and he liked being peoples "first". I found this out afterwards obviously otherwise I would never have gone near him. This added to the humiliation and why I secretly felt glad he had died. I'm sorry that sounds so awful and heartless but at the time thats genuinely how I felt. People who were supposed to be my friends knew thats why he was with me and knew he was cheating. "my friends" hahaha it's laughable. They all just laughed about it and so I was humiliated. Most of my peers "lost it" under a bench when drunk....but it meant something to me. And he abused that.

To start with we were told he died in a car crash but it turned out this was what his dad had asked people to say but of course the truth gets out.

I sound like a heartless bitter person.....probably because I am, what he did has ruined my whole life.

[Calla]

His dad didn't come across as an emotionally intelligent man. So I think he probably couldn't deal with it.

Do you think I'm not suffering with depression? I think maybe I am just damaged goods and thats the end of it. I know for a fact I will never have another relationship for as long as I live.

[Calla]

Yes I do believe it. Or rather thats what I choose. People just hurt each other. Yes I cry and get angry, every day really.

Not depression is it. Just a broken person in the wrong place. Thank you for your time, sorry for wasting it.

[londonuk]

Afraid I haven't been following this thread till now, but "broken person in the wrong place" seems a very good description of a depressive, or at least how a depressive feels about themselves, Calla.

[Calla]

It wasn't meant personally

I just feel like a fake. People don't think I am depressed just pathetic. But I like to isolate myself, I think it makes me better. Guess that shows why I don't have any friends.

I find some people have been a bit hurtful here recently. Not just to me but it just makes me not want to talk anymore.

But I do appreciate you've taken the time to talk to me.

[Calla]

I feel quite bad at the moment it makes me want to just turn out the light and close up shop.

I am very affected by other people which I wish I wasn't because generally they aren't very nice. Or even if they are I am so paranoid I think they aren't.

I just want to spend out my days watching tv.