It never ceases to amaze me how a perfectly good day can be ruined in a matter of seconds by my mother. How sad is that? :mad:
I had a rather good day today. I've recently been promoted at work, which not only means a $10k pay raise (yearly) but also more responsibility and more exciting work. I've started working compressed hours to that I can have a day off every two weeks. I caught up with a friend and had lunch with her today, then stopped for one of my favourite coffee drinks after work. As I was walking home, I felt calm and composed...much better than I've felt in the longest time. I took a moment to cherish that feeling and hold onto it as long as I could. But then as I got home, a phone message was waiting for me. Silly me, I listen to it, and it's none other than my mom. Of course, no one else calls me! Just my paranoid mother. So, stupidly, I call her back. The conversation starts out fine, much like it always does. She asks me a series of stupid questions that I know are just an excuse to talk to me (I never call her by the way). Somewhere in the middle of the conversation she asks me when my fiancé is going to be away. I remember I said I would go shopping with her the weekend he was in Toronto. Well, I forgot and that was actually last weekend. So she lashes into me a bit. Says I didn't let her know, and I said I would. I said I forgot. I'm only human afterall. Her voice immediately sounds dissapointed and she abruptly ends the conversation and says "yeah, I guess i'll talk to you some other time. bye." I'm left feeling guilty.
She guilts me all the time. And I fall for it every time. My therapist has advised me not to answer the phone or call her back, but I can't help it. Even though sometimes I think she's the spawn of Satan, she is my mother and I have a hard time abandoning her completely. I can't help but wonder why that is. If someone is horrible to you, why would you want to associate with them?
Thank goodness my fiancé is such an angel. I texted him to let him know what happend and he texted back that no one has a right to make me feel that way and that he loves me very much. Thank goodness for him...I have no idea where I would be, or if I would even be, without him.
Needless to say, my evening is ruined. I can feel the tightness in my chest from the anxiety. I refuse to binge eat though. I am being very good right now. Emotionally I am hurting, but I will not destroy my body. I've come too far for that. I have not binged since April, and I've lost 25 pounds. I'm very proud of that.
I guess I just worry sometimes what will happen to me. Will my mom succeed in breaking me down completely? I can only hope that I have the strength to fight her off.