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Mother again...


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Really starting to get why my therapist has repeatedly told me to distance myself from this toxic woman.

She called and left a message this evening, said she had a question and to call her back. Me, thinking it would be a quick conversation, called her back while making dinner. She asks how i am doing as always. I give her the standard "I'm fine" and she gives me her typical "you don't sound fine" but I cut her off and ask what she wants. She starts blabbing about something...something completely unrelated to what she was going to ask me. After about 5 minutes of her blabbing and me not really listening, she says she will now get to why she is calling...informs me that she has a "list of questions" for me. They range from trivial things like "how do I put MP3s on my iPod?" to "Can you come over and dye my hair?" Then leads into another pointless convo about her hairdresser and how she's getting married this week and she bought her dress online and it was terrible, etc...Then she starts talking about my sister and how irresponsible she is and how she doesn't take care of her cat (she's a vet tech for the record) and how her boyfriend is stupid. I love my sister very much and do not need to hear this. Also it makes me wonder what my mother says to my sister behind my back. Anyway at one point she says "well, you sound bored so I'm going to go" and she lets out a sarchastic chuckle. This is how our conversations always end. I said "I'm not feeling well and i'm hungry, I haven't eaten" And she snaps back with "Yeah well, I haven't eaten either". I contemplate telling her I've had a fever all day but what's the point? The woman only cares about herself and her needs anyways.

Sometimes when i write these blogs i think i should be giving more background. I think i will someday, but it's hard to write it all, I just needed to vent. I swear I can write better than this too. She just makes me feel bad everytime she calls. I'm always the problem. It's me who "doesn't care about her issues" or "sounds bored", not her calling me for no reason and expecting me to drop everything, when when i have issues, I'm usually left crying alone because I'm "making a big deal out of something" or "I shouldn't feel that way". Either that or she starts talking about how she has a similar issue and then the conversation becomes about her.

I love my mother, but i also hate her. She keeps me up at night, she's in my head. She's ruined litterally every aspect of my life. I am massively depressed right now, i suspect that's why I am so sick. Anyway, like i say, just needed to vent. I need to be able to sleep tonight.

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My therapist has suggested that I hang up on her too. I find it really hard. Part of me does not want to hurt her. I cave when she cries, even if I know it's just a manipulation technique. Part of me feels bad for her because she has no friends and her husband (my father) hates her. But then again, there are reasons she has no friends and her husband hates her. I think it will take time for me to be able to distance myself from her. Things were much worse only a year ago. I've worked hard to get to where I am, which is avoiding her calls and not falling into all of her traps. I'm sure it will get easier eventually. Just kinda at a low point in my life and I'm finding it hard to deal with things.

Thank you both for your support.

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