playing with fire
Entry posted by uncertain
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I've been very confused lately. When I first found this site, I was confused about the relationship I have with my husband...and family obligations but all that leads me back to the one sore spot that I've been dealing with since I was in the 10th grade...low self esteem and body issues...which have led to unhealthy associations with food.
When my eldest child turned two - I thought that I had conquered the demons about my low self esteem issues. I was playing a lot of soccer, working out almost on a daily basis, and I wasn't stressed out about food. I ate normally but I played so much soccer and worked out so much that my metabolism was really high. Then I had child number two and I let myself go.
Prebaby weight with child 2 was 102 lbs. I'm 5'2 and small framed anyway. I delivered my second child weighing 158 lbs. WOW. I know. It wasn’t too shocking considering the same thing had happened with my first...I weighed 150 I think or 152 when I had delivered him.
...my second baby is 11 weeks old and I weigh about 115 lbs right now. I started losing the weight because I really got on an exercise kick. I didn't really change my eating habits - I just started eating less. Then recently, I've been very sick - so sick that I haven't been able to eat much. Literally, it was painful to swallow. I'm still recovering actually. Even taking in water is hard to drink.
My eating disorder when I was younger use to be binge eating. You would never know it from looking at me...but I did it. I actually joined an over eaters anonymous group but I only attended one meeting. When I got married, all that stopped because I really couldn't hide away in a room with a box of cookies and cry myself to sleep. The week before I got married, I bought an entire cheese cake and told myself this would be the last time I do this to myself. It was ugly...in general the entire experience. I would eat and eat and eat...then cry and cry and cry because I was so disgusted w/myself and my body. Then I started to cut myself as punishment for it all.
on the outside I've always been healthy and very much into exercise. Sometimes though - exercising is exhausting because I literally am running out of time to do it. I'm in school right now, I work from home, and I have two kids. A now three year old and a nearly three MONTH old. After I first had the baby I was really on this kick to get my prebaby body back. And I've been determined to lose the weight the right way...eating better, exercise, blah blah blah.
But now I'm just over it. I haven't eaten that much in the past few days and it actually hasn't been so bad. It's kind of weird but I think I want to keep going. I wouldn't do anything so severe that it would damage my system...I'm just thinking something reasonable...like eating only veggies and fruit. I dunno...I titled this post playing with fire because I've been dealing with a lot emotionally lately and I have no friends. At least it feels that way but I really don't have anyone that I can confide in without judgement. I'm starting to hate myself and my body again. It's getting really frustrating that I still cannot fit into my prebaby jeans. I know it's only been 11 weeks but I'm really anxious to get back into shape and being thin. I feel so happy when I'm thin. I feel lost, confused, and sad when I'm fat. I become anti social because I don't feel like I can hangout w/ppl unless I'm thin. I don't feel attractive if I'm not thin.
My husband likes thin girls. He always tells me 'I know there are some guys out there that are OK with dating or marrying or sleeping with fat chicks, but I'm just not one of them'. I feel like he takes me for granted a lot of times. And that while he eats ice cream every night, and while he's put on a few lbs since we've been married and I have never thought twice about it... I carefully portion out my calories throughout the day in fear that I am going to become the very girl that he can't stand. I've found websites he likes to visit where all they are pictures of thin girls. Beautiful victoria secret models...he always tells me that he prefers an athletic build. I don't know about the rest of us but are ALL the victoria secret models just SOOOO athletic? I don't think so. In fact, I don't know many models that are athletic. I'm sure some of them work out but most of them don't. Most of them just don't eat, or are coke heads. EVEN the VS ones. He once told me 'see, VS is really good because they like their girls to be more filled out'...say what??? FILLED OUT? If they're filled out that I'm an F"G cow. How can I compete with what he views as normal? I'm so confused which is why I'm rambling right now...
but anyway - I'm determined to lose this weight. I hate the way I look. Today I thought I looked cute until I saw myself in a mirror at the mall and it was all in my head. I still look like a wide umpa lumpa. I hate that my thighs touch. I hate my thighs in general. In a way it's great that I have children because knowing that I have to be there for them keeps me somewhat sane. I don't see myself getting into the binging cycle again though...I see myself heading down a different path. I looked up more pictures of thin, beautiful models. I secretly wish I can be like them. Why are they so beautiful and have effortlessly beautiful bodies and I don't? I always have to work so hard to stay thin. I'm working kinda hard at everything else I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to do it 'the right (and slow) way'. Logically I know it's unhealthy....and only temporary if I don't keep it up but I've already devised a plan...I won't let it get out of control. I hope. :cool:
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