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playing with fire


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I've been very confused lately. When I first found this site, I was confused about the relationship I have with my husband...and family obligations but all that leads me back to the one sore spot that I've been dealing with since I was in the 10th grade...low self esteem and body issues...which have led to unhealthy associations with food.

When my eldest child turned two - I thought that I had conquered the demons about my low self esteem issues. I was playing a lot of soccer, working out almost on a daily basis, and I wasn't stressed out about food. I ate normally but I played so much soccer and worked out so much that my metabolism was really high. Then I had child number two and I let myself go.

Prebaby weight with child 2 was 102 lbs. I'm 5'2 and small framed anyway. I delivered my second child weighing 158 lbs. WOW. I know. It wasn’t too shocking considering the same thing had happened with my first...I weighed 150 I think or 152 when I had delivered him.

...my second baby is 11 weeks old and I weigh about 115 lbs right now. I started losing the weight because I really got on an exercise kick. I didn't really change my eating habits - I just started eating less. Then recently, I've been very sick - so sick that I haven't been able to eat much. Literally, it was painful to swallow. I'm still recovering actually. Even taking in water is hard to drink.

My eating disorder when I was younger use to be binge eating. You would never know it from looking at me...but I did it. I actually joined an over eaters anonymous group but I only attended one meeting. When I got married, all that stopped because I really couldn't hide away in a room with a box of cookies and cry myself to sleep. The week before I got married, I bought an entire cheese cake and told myself this would be the last time I do this to myself. It was ugly...in general the entire experience. I would eat and eat and eat...then cry and cry and cry because I was so disgusted w/myself and my body. Then I started to cut myself as punishment for it all.

on the outside I've always been healthy and very much into exercise. Sometimes though - exercising is exhausting because I literally am running out of time to do it. I'm in school right now, I work from home, and I have two kids. A now three year old and a nearly three MONTH old. After I first had the baby I was really on this kick to get my prebaby body back. And I've been determined to lose the weight the right way...eating better, exercise, blah blah blah.

But now I'm just over it. I haven't eaten that much in the past few days and it actually hasn't been so bad. It's kind of weird but I think I want to keep going. I wouldn't do anything so severe that it would damage my system...I'm just thinking something reasonable...like eating only veggies and fruit. I dunno...I titled this post playing with fire because I've been dealing with a lot emotionally lately and I have no friends. At least it feels that way but I really don't have anyone that I can confide in without judgement. I'm starting to hate myself and my body again. It's getting really frustrating that I still cannot fit into my prebaby jeans. I know it's only been 11 weeks but I'm really anxious to get back into shape and being thin. I feel so happy when I'm thin. I feel lost, confused, and sad when I'm fat. I become anti social because I don't feel like I can hangout w/ppl unless I'm thin. I don't feel attractive if I'm not thin.

My husband likes thin girls. He always tells me 'I know there are some guys out there that are OK with dating or marrying or sleeping with fat chicks, but I'm just not one of them'. I feel like he takes me for granted a lot of times. And that while he eats ice cream every night, and while he's put on a few lbs since we've been married and I have never thought twice about it... I carefully portion out my calories throughout the day in fear that I am going to become the very girl that he can't stand. I've found websites he likes to visit where all they are pictures of thin girls. Beautiful victoria secret models...he always tells me that he prefers an athletic build. I don't know about the rest of us but are ALL the victoria secret models just SOOOO athletic? I don't think so. In fact, I don't know many models that are athletic. I'm sure some of them work out but most of them don't. Most of them just don't eat, or are coke heads. EVEN the VS ones. He once told me 'see, VS is really good because they like their girls to be more filled out'...say what??? FILLED OUT? If they're filled out that I'm an F"G cow. How can I compete with what he views as normal? I'm so confused which is why I'm rambling right now...

but anyway - I'm determined to lose this weight. I hate the way I look. Today I thought I looked cute until I saw myself in a mirror at the mall and it was all in my head. I still look like a wide umpa lumpa. I hate that my thighs touch. I hate my thighs in general. In a way it's great that I have children because knowing that I have to be there for them keeps me somewhat sane. I don't see myself getting into the binging cycle again though...I see myself heading down a different path. I looked up more pictures of thin, beautiful models. I secretly wish I can be like them. Why are they so beautiful and have effortlessly beautiful bodies and I don't? I always have to work so hard to stay thin. I'm working kinda hard at everything else I don't want to work anymore. I don't want to do it 'the right (and slow) way'. Logically I know it's unhealthy....and only temporary if I don't keep it up but I've already devised a plan...I won't let it get out of control. I hope. :cool:

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Thank you for your thoughts. I love my husband but yeah, he's kind of a d-bag at times. There's so many things that he has done in our relationship that has always made me questioned my worth. I should have broken up with him from the start - at least when that stuff started happening but I was young and unsure. I think he exploited that fact - probably not even consciously. Now I'm left with a very skewed self esteem which, truthfully, was damaged before he came into the picture but he didn't help. I test him sometimes - I show him pictures of models to see if he'll ever say 'oh no, they are waaay too thin' but you know what? that NEVER comes out of his mouth. I'll show him a picture and be like 'this is my dream body' - and any normal guy - I would think - would be like 'she's a little too thin'...he says 'that's my dream body too'. 'Cute' I say because we both know the double meaning. I'm so frustrated today. I totally binged today because I went to my mom's house and she's the source of a lot of the binge scenes that I use to have in my younger years. I went to her house b/c she was watching my youngest while I was in class and she insisted that I eat something. I ended up eating her entire fridge. Truthfully, I didn't really eat bad stuff - just a lot of stuff which made me feel really gross. Especially since I've been dropping weight lately. Now I feel like I have to make up for my sins today or something. When I joined that over eaters anonymous group a long time ago - I found it interesting that none of the women in the group where over weight actually. It was like they were all like me - all dealing with their private little hells. My husband is out of town right now on business but will be back tomorrow. I feel disgusting and fat. He tells me that I'm a 'hot mama' - but I just don't believe it. How can he find me 'hot' if what he thinks is 'hot' are those barbie like bobble heads strutting downr the victoria secret runway? pretty faces, big hair, and thing bodies. I secretly want to be like that. I'm turning 28 this year and I have the mindset of a teenager. A little girl dying to grow up and be beautiful. I told my husband that I wish I had a best friend that was obsessed about being beautiful and thin like me. He had no comment of course. I wish I had a friend that could support me in my bad habits. haha, I know that sounds bad but if we like both made a committment to each other not to eat or only eat certain things it would be sooo much easier than doing it on my own. Days like today wouldn't have happened because I could call her up and be like 'hey - I'm about to eat this chocolate ice cream - what should I do' and then she could say 'dont do it - your thighs will hate you for it late - why don't you come over and we'll go shop or something?'

that brings me to another realization...maybe I also binged because I'm sad about not having any friends so it all just kinda came to a head? No girlfriends to gossip with or that get my sense of humor...a husband who makes me feel inadequate about my body....two children that depend on me to make their worlds happy...ugh.

Okay - I'm going on again - sorry - this was a response to say thank you for reading and sharing...and now it's turned into a vent session as well. Venting is better than cutting so I'll stick with it.

now...about this eating thing...it's just got to stop. I'm not yet strong enough to say no to food. but I have to. fat is the enemy. it's the plague. more people die from heart disease and diabetes and kidney failure and most of it can be related to obeseity. On the REAL though - I just want to be a size 0 and have thighs that don't touch, and great make up and big hair. :)

psss - hope you have a good day too!

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Yes!! My mom has never called me fat, but she always comments on how other people are fat and how disgusting it is and how all "americans" are fat and sloppy and how I should never become like that. (She's from a different country). See, I've tried the purging thing before and it doesn't work. :P I mean I've tried to stick a hair brush end down my throat before and nothing happened. But when I was pregnant I had no problem throwing up but I still gained weight (and a TON of it). But when I'm not pregnant - I swear I have no gag reflex.

Good for you on losing some weight! (Or is that not suppose to be encouraged exactly? - I'm sorry if it isn't) but I get excited when people lose weight in general because it encourages me.

I know that not all models starve themselves. In most cases, they just have high metabolisms and are young with no kids. But I think it sucks that I'm expected to look like them when I'm built differently. I am 5'2 and weigh 115 lbs right now. Before I got pregnant with my second (last September) I weighed 100-102 lbs. I still felt like that wasn't enough although I was obviously much happier with my physique then. That said, there are some things that I just can't change about myself. I can't change the length of my legs. I will never be tall. I also have more of an athletic build from soccer and dance so I don't have stick skinny legs. I just feel like I can't keep up with what my husband is looking for. He says he loves my body, etc. etc. etc. but then why does he feel the need to jerk off to pics of girls that look NOTHING LIKE ME.

I get the whole 'guys need variety' thing or whatever. I've gotten to the point that I really don't even care about him anymore and what he thinks - I'm just pissed at myself. Baby number two will be turning 4 months the 20th of October and I still can't wear my pre baby clothes. I realize I sound superficial but I'm really frustrated. I'm more frustrated at the fact that my life is so busy right now I can't even do things to make myself lose weight. Like exercise. I’m also frustrated that I have no fun time or alone time. Two kids is super tough and in fact – my second one just woke up and is crying right now. AAGGGH!

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bahahah, OK - no encouragement from me. I am sorry it's taken for me to respond. Yes, I've been so busy as well. School, work - crap ton of work just came in - GRR...Side ntoe - I'm really kind of tipsy right now which gets me into trouble sometimes because then I REALLY say what's on my mind. Guys are dumb in general I think. When you said 'I have to run' for a moment, I thought you meant LITERALLY run and I was like 'whoa, this girl is my inspiration!' th'ee. I'm down to 112 right now. Trying my best to lose more but I'm guessing the two glasses of wine I've just had will set me back a little.

Oh no - I so get the porn thing. I'm guilty of having my own sites now, but I wonder if that is because of him. Like, if I hadn't of met him - I probably wouldn't have learned to accept that stuff, you know? Oh well - at this point, it's all about me and my kids. He's just kind of 'there'. It sounds so horrible but I feel like that's the only way I can make it work - things between us. I desensitize myself to everything.

The weight maintenance...it's 'going'. I'm down to 112 (sorry, I said that already didn't I?) and I have a gold weight of 100 lbs by November 7th. We'll see how close I can get or if I will make it. I'm not doing anything dangerous - just exercising as much as I can or feel like it. Today was NOT one of those days. Right now I'm buzzed off of two glasses of wine and loving it. Just needed a moment 'for me'. :)

Ughm...let me think...what else is going on? I'm going out this Saturday with a couple of friends and I'm super excited to just get away from it all. Away from the little one and the older one and my husband. I need some 'ME' time.

how have you been? Thanks so much for responding to this at all! It's good to know I have a friend who understand this weird quirkiness about body and self image - none of my other friends really get it. They all have 'healthy' views on themselves and life. I'm not quite there yet. maybe one day. :-P

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