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ugh - not a good start to a day


uncertain

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Sooo.....yeah. It's been awhile since I've snooped around on my husband's computer. Honestly - I know he looks at porn, downloads it etc. He knows that I know. We use to watch it together but haven't in a loong time. (kids). But we are on a pretty much don't ask don't tell policy.

I guess sometimes it just frustrates me that the porn he looks at really isn't about two people screwing - it's all this porn with just pictures of either 'artful nudes' - if there is such a thing and then like dumb bitches who take pictures of themselves naked and post them to the internet. I believe it's actually called 'self-obsessed' or something. It's embarrassing to me because even though logically speaking I know it's not true - it still makes me feel like I'm not enough.

Here's the thing - I know he loves me - blah blah blah and doesn't want to BE with anyone else, (again - blah blah blah) - it just makes me feel like I'm STILL not enough. Why does he feel the need to look at like millions of pictures and jerk off to millions of pictures to other women? No I'm sorry 'barely eighteens' as they are so marketed.

I understand that it's 'normal' and 'healthy' for guys to look at porn as long as it is not an addiction - and that as a guy, you need variety - like even if you were dating the HOTTEST chick on the planet, you would still feel the need to look at something else and would still be attracted to other girls. But as a girl - we don't always work that way. At least I don't. I'm trying my best to be 'cool' about things but I think shhht is going to hit the fan. Doing my best to keep a clear head though which is why I'm posting this on here. Perhaps if I get it out here I won't take it out on him.

It's all my fault really - I'm so f'ng insecure. I'm better about my insecurities at least on the outside but on the inside I'm breaking. I've just learned how to manage it - push it down or push thoughts away. They are never really gone - they are just compartmentalized until they sneak their way back into the frontal lobes of my brain.

We are not at a great place right now in our relationship. No fault to either of us actually. We are just going through a difficult time with our kids. Our three year old won't sleep w/out us - going through separation anxiety. I have a four month old and breastfeed so I'm not sleeping in general. I have a heavy workload even though its PT and from home AND I'm in school.

We have no date nights together (hate that term b/c I think it sounds so lame). We have no time alone together in general. We did have a 'date night' a few weeks ago which was nice but it wasn't long enough. We've had sex recently but it's hard to find the time to even do that. It just all around isn't good. CLEARLY I'm getting resentful. I find it really amazing that he can find the time or will MAKE the time to download his porn, organize these porn files into neat little folders, etc. on the regular but he can't find time to spend with me. I don't even know what to say. All I know is that this type of behavior - admittedly on both our ends - is what leads to affairs. You know, you start talking to other people about how you're unhappy with your marriage for this and that and next thing you know you're sleeping with them. ahahah...kind of funny - and of course I'm only talking about ppl of theopposite sex. I don't swing that way. Lots of friends who do but just not for me.

Anyways...what else can I unload before my three year old wakes up. My four month old is already awake...but I think he just fell back asleep in his bouncy chair. Maybe I'll take him to the room and go back to sleep too.

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