Often my mood crashes doing my job hunt. Every day for almost 550 days now I have looked for work. I scan through listings. I have no idea how many. I was good today until I began that task. Reading position after position, each reading I could feel my mood drop. So many jobs. I don't even know why it effects me. I can guess, but it is a guess. I had a job, I had a great job. I was great at my job. I did it well, I won awards, I received compliments, I was the person generally chosen to represent the developers in so many things because people knew I was a good representative. Over the years I have been trusted with so much sensitive data and I have never abused that trust. I worked there for 20 years minus 2 days and did I do things wrong? Yes. I used the email system against the rules, but only to deal with my depression and My girlfriend's. Yes over 100 emails were sent in this way. 100 emails over 18 months. Less than six a month. And yes I did print some personal stuff. Many do this and yet they are against the rules. I have no real issue with being reprimanded or even docked a day or two of pay although i think even that is over the top.

Really I was fired because I had an unconventional relationship. You know that. I know that. They know that, but they will not make it that simple. They claim it is "inappropriate” without knowing anything of us. They assume My girlfriend is naive, manipulatable and immature and that I can't be trusted because I obviously made some serious errors in judgment. All this without knowing her, me or us. I was not fired by people who knew me. The people who fired me didn't even talk to those people. They didn't talk to my supervisor or his supervisor. They didn't talk to my co-workers or even the hundreds of officers I have worked with. They didn't need too. All they needed to know was my age, her age and that we are in a relationship. I understand the concern. I really do. It is the kind of concern one has when anything so out of the ordinary happens like that, but it should be concern not condemnation. Concern means you look into it. It means to try to understand it. It means to seek to address those concerns and see if these is something that needs to be dealt with. Not he was 44 and she was 16 and she had emotional issues so he is bad. We fire him. Done.

My union did the same. They supported me for some time then something happened. They claim it was simply they realized my case was not winnable. What I don’t get was why they supported me for six months then suddenly they realized this. I think they realized it was not going to be easy. I think they thought it was going to be hard and it could reflect badly on them with the membership, but mostly I think they felt the same thing. 44 and 16 = bad.

I don't regret what my girlfriend and I have. I think it is the most amazing thing that has happened to us. I am tired for looking for jobs that I don't get when I had a good one.

I understand everyone's concern, but people have beaten their wives and remained working. My girlfriend is happy with us. I am happy with us. My kids are happy with us. We are a wonderful family.

Sometimes I just want to tell them all to fuck off.

And yes this is a case where fuck off is the right expression.