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Finally something is done!

I finally after over two years have some good news. I was found not guilty this morning. It really doesn't change a n awful lot, but it is done. Hasn't seemed to sink in yet, but I am glad that something finally has gone my way.

Waiting

Waiting

delayed again

Well today was to be my verdict. My parents (mid 70s), my sister, her daughter, my brother, his wife and daughter and friend all showed only to be told that the Judge was off a few days. They claimed my Lawyer was informed. No message got to him. We all traveled over an hour for this. So now We wait just over a week more. We wait for eight more days to see what my fate will be. Just yesterday my new connection realized she is still in love with her ex and she is going to try patch things up

Waiting

Waiting

A connection

It seems I have found someone who might be a good match for me. We have not yet met but have chatted a lot. We have very similar tastes in music and our sense of humor is very much in sync. We often make very similar jokes at the exact same time and even finish each others sentences. She is fairly local, but is dealing with some trust issues and so is not ready to meet. I am fine with that, would I like to meet up sooner than later? Yes, but I am patient. I have been warned by many people t

Waiting

Waiting

Dating?

So I have thrown myself into online dating. My feelings towards my x-girlfriend we grinding me down and a friend talked me into trying it. I have been going at it for two weeks. At first the effect on me was huge. My mood improved dramatically. I think I finally felt I had some power in part of my left. Something i could maybe pull off. That was before I realized that most of the people I was talking to were scammers. I can spot them pretty easy now. The problem is that I am not finding an

Waiting

Waiting

Final Day of court ... I hope.

Today is my final day of court. (I will still have to wait for the verdict. Likely another month or more.) It is just summations. The prosecution will use the evidence presented and try to make me as bad as possible and my lawyer will ensure that it doesn't amount to much. I get to sit there as do the members of my family that are coming. We get to sit there while the prosecution paints me into a monster. That fact is the prosecution's case is very weak. That fact also is it doesn't make a

Waiting

Waiting

I hate it

I more and more hate looking for work. From an emotional point of view the best result is finding nothing. When I find a job that may be applicable, my energy just begins to drain. So many applications, so many more I have read through. SO many I am missing some requirement, so many I am applicable and yet I won't get. I know I am being very pessimistic here. It seems so not me, but I am tired of applying and applying and getting no where. I just want to get through the process of looking

Waiting

Waiting

Numb

I have not posted for a couple days. When I wake in the morning I feel achy and down, with anxious thoughts in my head. I struggle to calm my anxiety and to relax and all I end being is numb. I am a man resting on a tiny ledge on the face of an endless cliff. To an outsider it is a terrifying place to be. To me is is better than anything I can see. I am not clinging to the cliff and I just don't care anymore. I want to care. I want to hurt. I want to climb. I want to get somewhere. I want

Waiting

Waiting

The Battle

If I don’t fight it. My every thought leads to you. Often even if I do, it still does. The battle becomes in not stopping it. It becomes about redirecting it. It becomes about removing me.

Waiting

Waiting

Easter

I am back from most of two days at my parents and Easter lunch. Not sure what to say. It was hard. It was hard to cope. They all love me and support me, but by the time I left I was fighting back tears. Nothing bad happened. I guess it was just a family get together when i am messed up and with less coping mechanisms. I thought I had more to say.

Waiting

Waiting

Going nowhere

I feel I am going nowhere. Yesterday after a lunch with friends, I crashed and that after that began to feel better. Better than I had for days? I am losing track of time. I felt goodish in fact. This morning I am back where I have been for days: Achy, nauseous, minds spinning like a hurricane. I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop the analysis of everything know about her, the situation, things she has said and trying to divine my future. I know I can't. I know I must accept. I

Waiting

Waiting

Lunch

I had lunch with some x-co-workers today. One of them was really worried about me and she called my family. I though we would talk more about how I was, but we didn't. Everyone just acted like all was normal and it killed me. I felt so alone and like I had lost everything and they were happily carrying on. I cried all the way home on the transit system.

Waiting

Waiting

I don't know how

This the first time writing on a couple of days. Things seem to be far less a roller coaster ride and am just feeling shitty all the time. I think I need to sleep better and I am trying, but it eludes me. I am achy almost all the time now. My guts are off and I feel ... I don't know how I feel. I started to write yesterday and stopped, because of this. I don't really feel lonely, but I do feel alone. I feel defeated, not in the sense that will curl up into a ball and surrender, but just .

Waiting

Waiting

Erase

Today will will vacate my home so she can come to get her stuff that has been here far so long. Half the closet will be empty and the shoes that sit in their familiar places will be gone leaving only emptiness like the hole in my heart. The drawers where her make was will be empty. It is killing me. She is already gone and one could say that they are painful reminder, but the emptiness will be worse. This doesn't change anything, but it is a powerful symbol. I have been crying off and on al

Waiting

Waiting

Nightmare

I am the nightmare that a dream is having. Nothing seems real or temporary or permanent. Just dream time. I am a nightmare who's dream has died. There s nowhere to return too. I am trapped. I am a nightmare seeking a dream so that I can wake. Can a nightmare dream?

Waiting

Waiting

Blah

I don't know where I am. I am feeling generically lonely because that is how I perceive my future. I am feeling great pain and loss over my partner. I can calm myself to a degree. My aches are back, and again I am somewhat nauseous. I am sure part of today is just not enough sleep. I spoke with my kids about doing more together. I will impoove.

Waiting

Waiting

Lonely

I am still calm, but my mood had declined today someone. I think i just figured it out. I am lonely. I have been apart from her for long time now. Last week I learned she left me and I missed her and was horribly sad. I am still sad, but I am beginning to accept it, but I am now deeply lonely. I think it is the realization that when my trial is done there will be no one here for me. No one to comfort and be comforted by. That leads to to a seeing more of the same in the future. I am a romant

Waiting

Waiting

Letting go

After the initial calm I achieved this morning the day went bad. My anxiety built and we got news that was no where near where I wanted. Maybe I will get money, maybe not. No reinstatement. No career back on track. I decided to give up. Not to stop things, just to give up hope for justice and just try for best and accept what happens. Wasn't like a light switch, but I began to feel good. I talked with a good friend and things just clicked into place. I was the old me or the closest I hav

Waiting

Waiting

Battle for Sanity seems to be surrender

This morning I began my final preparations to go to my Human Rights Lawyer for the first time. Last night I thought I had come to terms with some things and calmed but this morning I awoke about the same. I began to print things and my anxiety kicks in. what if I miss something. I will miss something. What if I am so fucked up I can't answer questions and talk about what I need to. What if I miss things. forget things. I will. I have never had an anxiety attack that i am aware of. Lately

Waiting

Waiting

Waking?

I never recall waking anymore. I just become aware of my anxious thoughts and realizing I am awake in that order. I thought I had more to say. I think my partner is dealing with things n a dissociative way that is not healthy. I am trying to find out more about this, but I can't find anything close enough. I am lost and scared and don't know what to do.

Waiting

Waiting

Living in the moment

I get a little hungry (or is it the nausea) but nothing appeals to me. I need to drink more, but the effort is so much, the water tastes funny and the drink is never enough. I don't feel thirsty, but my mouth is dry. My games have lost their draw and the more I play the more stressed I feel. I know music will help, but nothing appeals and almost all of it reminds me of her. One way or another almost everything reminds me of her and us. I need to talk to people, but rarely does it help or at lea

Waiting

Waiting

Sleep

I have always disliked sleep. I have never avoided it, just never liked it and felt it a waste of time. In the early middle of my depression around 2003-2004 or so I had insomnia from anxiety. I struggled through it and learned to manage it quite well. My skills are failing now. I follow the rules but the situation is too much and my mind and body don't cooperate. Last night a few times I felt drowsy, but I didn't get to even try to sleep before it vanished. After awhile I was strangely cle

Waiting

Waiting

Going through the Motions.

I don't really get hungry nor desire food, but I eat. I don'r expect to find a job, but I look and apply. My drive to seek justice is gone but the process will carry on. I don't know what the future holds. Whether my girlfriend and I will become one again, revert to being best friends, be good friends, friends or just people who just once were these things. I can't push it aside. I don't want to. I can't move on yet. I am scared of moving on and I have no idea how to.

Waiting

Waiting

Nothing Left

I am devastated. I am lost. My depression has swallowed me up and there is nothing left. I had one light at the end of all this. I knew I should not cling so to it, but there was nothing else. I don't mean to belittle it, it is-was wonderful, everything I wanted. How does not one cling to that? My girlfriend left me. she couldn't take it. To survived she pushed her love away. I am not convinced it can't resurface, but she seems absolute in her conviction. I don't blame her. This was my u

Waiting

Waiting

One more step

My two days of trial over, but the judge needs time to decide whether my expert witness is to be accepted. Then the lawyers need time to work up their arguments. Next date May 16. Given a month for the verdict that will place it at almost two years after I was charged and we were broken apart. Still about three months away. Three months is forever.

Waiting

Waiting

Only half way

It seems every thing only ever gets half way. Life the question if each time you move an object halfway to the wall will will never get to the wall. That is what it feels like. That is what my life feels like. March 4th, divorce court again. Again my wife has not done what she should have. This judge is concerned about her claims of me. He asks about the Children's Aid Society's report on their investigation. We have no report, were never given one. He orders them to investigate again.

Waiting

Waiting

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