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Had meds upped again been very groggy. Still very sad tears never dry up od they? Had such a strange dream hallucination IDK.

I went home from work this morning, took meds, ate and went to bed. Then I saw my daughter as she would be if she were still alive. She wasn't the little 8 year old I had buried she was almost 14 becoming a beautiful young woman.

We were in our old kitchen making Christmas fudge. I looked at her and just started bawling. She asked me y I was crying and I told her because I knew it was a dream. I told her how I cry all the time because I hurt so bad missing her and her brother and grandma and father.

She just looked puzzled and said y does thinking about us make you cry. I think about you and when I do I smile because I think of all the good times we had and how happy you made me. I'm sad you're not with me but I'm happy when I think about the time we had and what a great mom you were.

Then she asked what they did that made me so sad when I thought about them. Didn't I have any memories that made me happy?

I tried to explain that every memory of them was a happy one. That remembering how happy we were just made me cry because I didn't have that now. And she said you still have us here and touched my head and then tapped my chest and said isn't that all you need.

Then she said she had to go but it hurt her to see me so sad. She said I'm missed and I'm still loved and thought of all the time.

I don't know what to make of it but I haven't been able to stop crying since I woke up. Y would my mind play such a cruel joke on me? Is it just the drugs being upped? Should I ask for them to be switched?

I used to look forward to sleeping because then I could have my dreams. If this is what they are going to be like now then ???

I mean I loved seeing my daughter but what we talked about just has me so in knots in my head I just can't process IDK Fuck it Who cares anyway?


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