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Sick again

Sick again just had to jot this down because I'm sitting here and I feel more peaceful than I have in a month. Weird that being sick is making me feel better. I'm just too tired and wore out to feel anything. My head feels like a balloon that has way too much air in it. It's giving everything a surreal dreamy quality. Can't breath so I'm not talking just listening to the sounds of the building. Almost like it's talking to me like an old friend. Throat is on fire. Now that one is just irri

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

My bday : (

Whelpers it's after midnight so it''s my flippin bday:(. At least I'm at work so I can't/won't hurt myself. Eating a fruit salad I picked up. Have decided I REALLY DO NOT LIKE MELON. Damn thing has too much honey dew and cantaloupe. The pineapple and kiwi is a nice touch. Plus has blueberries and grapes and strawberries and watermelon. Watermelon is a good melon forgot about that. Plus I have a banana trying to eat something healthy. Irony is wanting to die and eating healthy to take ca

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Ever felt your soul break??

In 7 days it will be my 32nd birthday and in 10 days it will be one of the worst days of the year for me. My baby girl would be 14. I just had the worst December 31st. I've just been curled up at home hiding. No sense inflicting myself on hapless bystanders. Had to work tonight just couldn't stand being alone at home one more night. Haven't actually slept in 4 days. Can't sleep can't eat can't think. Tired of myself my thoughts this life just want out. Will eat something for lunch tonight.

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

???!!???wtf

Had meds upped again been very groggy. Still very sad tears never dry up od they? Had such a strange dream hallucination IDK. I went home from work this morning, took meds, ate and went to bed. Then I saw my daughter as she would be if she were still alive. She wasn't the little 8 year old I had buried she was almost 14 becoming a beautiful young woman. We were in our old kitchen making Christmas fudge. I looked at her and just started bawling. She asked me y I was crying and I told her be

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

So so sad

Very sad right now. Just totally dejected and sad. That's all. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and see my husband and babies and Mother in law again. Going to go back to work and cry some more now.

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Trigger warning enter at own risk

OK I didn't know where else to post this because it's a sensitive subject. I didn't know if it would fit in sexuality or if it would be dumb to put it there or general coping. So here it sits. At my main job this morning I went to break with the guys as usual. One of them mentions a news story he'd heard about a guy getting raped. Most of them immediately started cracking jokes about the guy's masculinity and was the guy's name that raped him Bubba and he must have dropped the soap etc etc e

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Coward

I couldn't do it. I chickened out. She still hasn't spoken. She just lies in bed with that baleful stare. The only reaction she has given is to her husband. I mentioned in an earlier blog about them finally getting her disability pay from work. Well he told her about it and was telling her what bills he's paid and blah blah blah. She gave him a look that :confused::mad:can't be described and spit in his face. Then she went back to staring around the room. So I chickened out. My heart wou

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Wasted Daze I mean Days >;)

Well I went home had breakfast, took my meds liek a good girl and then nothing:o Judging by the taste of couch in my mouth and the fact that my mouth was so dry it hurt to try to swallow I passed out on the couch facedown. Now one would think after sleeping for 30 hours over the weekend I would be restless and not tired. However, I have been stressing many things. Mainly I've been stressed out over trying to not stress out:rolleyes:. Try to figure that out because I can't. I guess I needed s

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

No Answers Just Questions

1st thing M is awake but won't respond to anything. She's not catatonic or anything like that just won't respond. I did get D's permission to try to piss her off. If I know her at all I know she can't resist jumping down someone's throat who's pissing her off. I have prepared myself for any hurtful nasty thing she can say. I am steeling myself not to take anything personal. Tried getting D to take the hit for the home team but NOOOOOO!!!! He says he has to live with her and he ain't swatti

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

FUZZY MUZZY was me?

Whelp feeling better today. Called off other job went home took meds and slept for about 14 hours. woke up ravenous ate and came here. Still fuzzy headed think it's the risperdal I'm sure there's a getting to know you period with it. I'm also sure it's longer than 6 days. Weekend was just very bad for me. VERY VERY BAD but who here hasn't had days like that? I'm trying out different color schemes. If anyone actually reads this blog and has trouble reading it because of the colors or it g

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Risperdal !#@$#%$&^%*

:mad::confused:Don't know if it's the Risperdal or Lamictal but not liking shit right now. Still feling groggy icky buzzy from pills took earlyier. Supossed to take rispy 2x and lamic 2x but shrink said take all at once since make so sleeppy. woke up 4 work y did I wake up been taking rispy 4 5 days now and lamic since sept/oct but really feeling bad this weekend. took the meds with the pain meds and anti inflamtory and anxiety crap an muscle laxers from shouler sleep for 30 hours but here no

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Holidays AKA What Am I Thankful For?

:(Anyone else have trouble being "thankful" for Thanksgiving? I mean I guess I could be thankful that I'm getting divorced. Or how about finding my father on the kitchen floor when I was 12? If I hadn't stayed after school to waste time could I have gotten home early enough to call an ambulance and save him? I should be thankful that my mom completely snapped and I got sent to stay with my godparents after my dad's funeral. No wait I should be even more thankful that my godbrother raped me whi

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Home

:DI'm so happy to be home! Been very sick and one of my bosses had another employee take me to the hospital Tuesday morning. Got to the hospital fever of 103.4, couldn't breathe, throat was bleeding from coughing so much, sinus infection, inner ear infection etc etc... So I've been in the hospital since Tuesday got out Saturday. Still a little fuzzy headed but feel 1000% better. Had viral and bacterial infections at the same time. Let me tell you I think the body should not be able to get

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Pissed off

Just had a customer that asked me where my GF is because he hadn't seen her in a few months. I had to bite my tongue because my first response/thought was the selfish bitch tried to kill herself so she's in the hospital. I know I've been sad that's she's been gone and felt guilty. However, until right now I hadn't considered that I've been going through the stages of grief. You'd figure someone who has been in a grief support group and gone through this so so many times would recognize it. Ma

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Chalk one up for the good guys

My friend's hubby called me this morning and told me that our work finally got off their ass and got her short term disability pushed through! Her's was the only income they had because he has an open disability case right now. I guess he's been selling plasma to get the money to pay for her insurance premiums and now he doesn't have to worry about it. Since she's been with the company 10 years they will pay 70% of her salary for up to 12 months. And I felt good because I was able to help

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Tired cranky sleepy and sore

I know it sounds like a family reunion at the seven dwarves house but it's just how I feel. I don't know if it's the psych med they put me on or all the other drugs combined with it but blech! :mad: I finally took the last freaking dose of the damn steroid today thank the Goddess. I have been crying and pissed and hitting stuff and then laughing because I hurt myself hitting stuff and then crying because I was laughing that I hurt myself. God if I still lived with my soon to be ex he would b

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Time off

:mad::confused:Not sure how I feel but the workman comp doc and the Physical Therapist agree I have to take time off work. I was going to take a vacation anyway before my other job starts up full time but to be forced to take a vacation frys my biscuits! Nothing I can do about it I guess it's a chance to get my apartment in order and get everything squared away. My gf's husband said he would stop by after visiting hours at the hospital a few times to see if I need help lifting anything or put

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Memories r all we have

After the hospital yesterday and staying up all day today brooding I have come to the conclusion that memories r better than real life. In my memories I still I have the love of my life, my parents , my children and every1 who was ever special 2 me. N reality I have nothing. Memories I can still hold my babies reality I have pictures I can look at. Memories I can still taste my husband's lips feel him curled up with me on the couch while we watched a movie and just enjoyed being next 2 each

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Sad day

Went to the hospital today for consultation 4 physical therapy and while I was there I stopped at the ICU and saw my friend. It just isn't right I don't even know if she knew I was there. They have here so doped up I dont' know if she even wakes up they have her hooked up to all this shit and have her secured at her wrists, stomach and ankles. Her arms r all bandaged up from where she cut them open her face is bandaged I didn't realize it but when he said she got loose last time and tried to

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Ramblings of a bored mind

I'm at work ooh icky colorthat's better but still not right no eh y not? We need a nice hunter green I looked and I don't really "feel" any of the greens we have just like I prefer to type in script but not an option:( I'm so bored with my work restrictions I'm going crazy but I am catching up on some books I've been wanting to read. Still have no puter at my apartment right now it's not on the list of needed must have expenses let's face it I don't need it to live but it does make living mor

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Y r people so mean?!? What's the point n it?

1st day back at work since I moved. Love the apartment. Found out I have to go thru physical therapy 4 my back and shoulder screwed it up alot worse than 1st thought. Dr just released me to work and I'm hating it because I can't do anything. I can't push pull lift etc more than 3 pounds with left arm and can't bend stoop etc or lift more than 10 lbs because of back:(. What sux is they want 2 fire a guy on 2nd shift 4 my injury. Y do I have a prob with that?? He's slow and every1 here make

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Safe

I start moving into my apartment today. I feel bad because last night I fell off a ladder at work and screwed my back and shoulder up so I'm going to be useless carrying stuff. My boss's brother refuses any kind of payment 2 for moving me and 4 the storing of my stuff this past week. I think I'll buy some steaks and beer maybe a giftcard 4 him and every1 who's helping? I mean I just can't believe there r people this nice n the world. My boss well my boss's boss has been an angel. I feel sa

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

The good the bad and the horrible

:(Let's start with the horrible. My BF's husband called and told me that she is in critical condition because she got loose from the restraints and truly did some damage to herself this time. He's beside himself I mean basket case crazy for cocopuffs if he doesn't find a way to get a grip he's gonna be right in there with her. I apologized again for my going off on him the one day and he says no it's ok it is his fault so I had to try to talk him into some sense he seemed to be feeling better

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Good bad day

Well I get to go back to the factory full time starting in the middle of October. I switched to first shift so I can keep this job. I'm hoping the way it will work is I go to work here then change in the bathroom and go to work there. Maybe I'll be so tired from working so much I won't notice I'm alone. The bad day part is I blew up on my friend's SO. He called me and was crying because all they'll tell him is she's being kept under heavy sedation and she has a feeding tube and everything.

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

Think i'm on to sumpthin

I think I figured out what put my friend over the edge and it's this job. I have 2 hours of work and 8 hours to do it. No wonder she seemwd so relieved on nights we worked together. What I wouldn't give for some company. Even with my paperwork and ordering 2 hours and then I'm going nuts trying to fill my time. I have even asked the manager on the day shift to leave me some of her paperwork CUZ I'M FLIPPIN BORED. I have pulled everything off shelves cleaned dusted looked for damaged produc

Sweetsara

Sweetsara

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