Warning- rant ahead. It helps me figure stuff out to put all the pieces in text, which is to say I don't believe everything I write because I am writing everything I feel and being messed up some of my feelings are distorted.

Saw pdoc today, came home with a script for risperdol. WTF? I complain about being apathetic and unmotivated and she tries to put me on ANOTHER antipsychotic? To heck with that. I read up on risperdol and it is has even more of a zombie effect than the damn seroquel. I'm so angry I feel like I have to close my eyes to keep them from popping out of my head.

I have learned one thing. I cannot trust shrinks. I have to think critically about the way they are treating me and not just have faith they know better. The damage already be done though as I have lost several weeks not looking for a job while being treated for bipolar without any sort of diagnosis. Goddamit why didn't I see this coming. I should have smelled something fishy when she just took up with the same treatment that did jack for me years ago, but I thought oh maybe she knows something new, let's try this mood stabilizer approach.

I am pretty sure that's not my problem because now my moods have gotten less stable than ever & it's because the drugs helped me fall further behind - granted it was my choice to procrastinate but I can procrastinate for a heck of a lot longer now that I have no energy left for anything except to sit around feeling sorry for myself. Well screw that. Now I'm pissed off. I am going to succeed in spite of that quack.

I know damn well that Adderall gives me relief but I cannot ask for that since it is schedule 2. I really doubt that any doctor would prescribe it to me now after having taken seroquel, since you don't exactly give amphetamines to borderline schizo's. So I guess I'll have to buy it black market if I'm to have it, but that is really not my style.

I've been thinking about how I never had any problems until after I quit smoking. Very close to starting again to see if that helps. Addiction sucks but maybe, just maybe I will feel like myself again. Yet I quit once and I don't want to go through that again. I also quit antidepressants once though, and at the time I sure as heck didn't want to go through that again, either. Now I'm in deeper than I was before.

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Two hours later, I am feeling a lot better, at least emotionally. I did some work from home and felt good about logging some hours. Need to remember how much of a coping mechanism it can be to get a feeling of progress. Going to take a step back and think about my options. wonder if it would be wise to go down another quarter pill since it now seems that 100mg is too much.