Last night started feeling depression roll in which coincided with accelerating my taper off of SQ. I upped my dose to 1.25 pills, the midpoint between where I was the night before and the previous level.

Today I feel not depressed, but sadness. I've been through this territory enough times to know the difference. So it's normal ups and downs; I can handle this.

In my experience real emotions feel like a cycle that I move through, whereas depression constitutes the stopping of that cycle. Depression also comes along with suicidal impulses and bizarre, darkly violent fantasies. Not like I have any problem knowing they are fantasies but still I'm a gentle person and having horror movies playing in my mind is not my idea of a good time. Considering filling the risperidone script after all but I am also split on that.

On the one hand it could ease me getting off of SQ and by using it for a very short term I'm hoping I wouldn't need to taper off that. On the other hand I am sick of being a zombie. The APs knock out my depression but also take out my analytical abilities and cause severe apathy - as in staring at the wall cause nothing else seems worth doing type of apathy. If I weren't so busy I would call that relaxing, yet ironically it is because I manage my time so poorly that I am so busy. Everyone has the same 24hrs per day.

Although I feel emotionally in control today, I am occasionally feeling overwhelmed and start to panic. I'm still not doing very well with time management and I have a ton of stuff on my plate between school and trying to find a job. Good news though is that I found a job in my significant other's city for which I might qualify. I haven't even applied yet but simply finding something in my line of work in that area is progress. I'm trying to focus on the positives.