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Split


Ralph

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Last night started feeling depression roll in which coincided with accelerating my taper off of SQ. I upped my dose to 1.25 pills, the midpoint between where I was the night before and the previous level.

Today I feel not depressed, but sadness. I've been through this territory enough times to know the difference. So it's normal ups and downs; I can handle this.

In my experience real emotions feel like a cycle that I move through, whereas depression constitutes the stopping of that cycle. Depression also comes along with suicidal impulses and bizarre, darkly violent fantasies. Not like I have any problem knowing they are fantasies but still I'm a gentle person and having horror movies playing in my mind is not my idea of a good time. Considering filling the risperidone script after all but I am also split on that.

On the one hand it could ease me getting off of SQ and by using it for a very short term I'm hoping I wouldn't need to taper off that. On the other hand I am sick of being a zombie. The APs knock out my depression but also take out my analytical abilities and cause severe apathy - as in staring at the wall cause nothing else seems worth doing type of apathy. If I weren't so busy I would call that relaxing, yet ironically it is because I manage my time so poorly that I am so busy. Everyone has the same 24hrs per day.

Although I feel emotionally in control today, I am occasionally feeling overwhelmed and start to panic. I'm still not doing very well with time management and I have a ton of stuff on my plate between school and trying to find a job. Good news though is that I found a job in my significant other's city for which I might qualify. I haven't even applied yet but simply finding something in my line of work in that area is progress. I'm trying to focus on the positives.

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Thanks. Yeah gov't jobs can be weird if you are in an office. No thinking allowed. Or if you do think, just don't let on what you are thinking about. That said, plenty of private sector jobs have similarly stifling bureaucracies. Not all of them though. Besides since you said during the summer, it sounds like you are not making a career there... is that right?

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