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Had a cigarette tonight



I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know it was stupid and I haven't smoked since 2000 so why now? My meds have really awakened in me the desire to start smoking again and when I told my pdoc she was as usual nonplussed. No discussion of strategies to avoid relapse, no thoughts about what this might mean for how the meds are monkeying with my neurotransmitters. She just asked if I had started again, and since until today I hadn't, my answer in the negative was the end of that - here's your new script, see you in 8 weeks.

Secondly, I have had a hard time even comprehending consequences for the past day or so. That part of my brain that keeps me from doing stupid stuff is on vacation or something. I mean I can recognize that smoking was unwise but there's no connection to get from "I freaking quit smoking from a reason," to, "therefore I won't start again." At least not in the sense of determining behavior.


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