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fragmented thoughts



Unmedicated, I felt like the inside of my head had multiple tv's inside it all tuned to different channels. Most of the channels were horror films but some were news programs and others psychedelic avant garde something or other. This made for in interesting cacophony but I couldn't manage my life. In my current stop on the medi-go-round it's more like one TV but the screen is broken, and fragments of personal reflections on events are scattered. Not all of the fragments seem to belong inside my head. Some feel like nothing my idea of myself would produce.

Still can't manage my life but i've given up caring too much about that. creates more guilt from sins of omission, which I do care about though. Although my creativity in problem solving has gone down, the elaborateness of my self deceptions has increased and more so. Figure I'm about one fifth of the way to dementia. I'm already putting wrong names to similar faces and introducing myself to people who I've already met before. Ugh that is embarrassing.

Not like it matters though. I can only express this clumsily because it doesn't translate well into verbal expression. Should help to work more with mindfulness on this but sticking to that for a significant number of days is rare.


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