Mike wrote me a PM, and I thought I would answer it here where everyone can read it:

how come you dont say why you are mad at me I dont remember doin nothin to you but several people in my blog said hi to you and asked how you are over many weeks and although no one is forced to post nothin in there to ignore everyone askin about you out of no where seems real strange and like you think I did something to you Jedidiah is upset that you dont say hi anymore and like I said you dont have to and maybe you missed people askin about you but I dont think you could have missed everytime so whats the deal did I step in your frosted flakes without remembern it

My first response was going to be angry. Then, I considered not responding, because I long ago decided that if I couldn't post something positive, I wouldn't post at all. {Maybe there's part of my reason for being silent, right there.} But, I realized that neither of those responses would make the world a better place, so I'm trying something different. I hope you'll bear with me because it takes quite a bit of effort.

I have a lot of emotion invested in this site. I've spent eight hours a day here most weekdays for two and a half years. I credit it and the people on it for pulling me back from the brink of suicide. Since this blog was created, I was asked to become an administrator, basically lead moderator, and I was the obvious choice. They have to pay me, for legalistic liability reasons, but I turned down a higher offer and asked them for $1 instead. I was already doing the job for free.

It's a site whose purpose is "mental help", just like the name says. There are people here across the enormous range from somewhat troubled to actively delusionary. There are child abuse victims and there are people afraid they might abuse. There are drug addicts and cutters and suicidal people like me.

Even if you feel your problems aren't that bad, you each sought out our community and were accepted by it (however difficult that process may have seemed) for some reason. I'm not sure whether or not we've helped each of you with the reason that brought you here or not, but I'd be interested.

A community like ours works by the efforts of all of its members; we're not like a clinic, with a clear difference between staff and patients. Everyone supports everyone else; otherwise, it doesn't work.

It's not a perfect site. Sometimes, the wide range between members makes their communication difficult. Sometimes, the few of us who are staff have to make uncomfortable decisions about who gets to keep talking. Sometimes, the balance between fighting spam (I ban an average of about a dozen accounts a day for some kind of spam) and admitting new members doesn't work the way we would like.

So, I can understand wanting to form your own sub-community. Many people have privacy issues here; it makes sense to keep some things among people you know are friends. The thing is, through extensive outside communication among you, you've basically developed into a group that I'm on the outside of. Don't get me wrong: I'm glad that you have found friends and had fun activities together. I just don't feel like I have anything to add ...

And, if the time comes where you no longer feel that the site is benefitting you, of course you have the right to move on. We each will have that decision to make, at some point in time.

But the part where my anger comes in is in the tendency, within the group, to trash the site. It's not perfect; I have no problem with people discussing its shortcomings. The thing is, in a community, the usual thing one does when they see a problem is to try and fix it. If people are harassing you in private messages, take it to a moderator who can make it stop. If there's something about the way the site works that you don't like, say something about it in public, where it can be discussed and possibly changed. Those would be the actions of community members.

I have found it difficult to come and be jokingly social in an environment that excludes me, to some extent, and many of my friends completely, where people complain about the very facility that they're using at the time, that I happen to care deeply about, with no ideas or even interest in improving it.

It's not personal: I like you all as individuals. I just feel uncomfortable in this isolated environment. Speaking of which, I'm pretty visible and reachable out in that other environment; why is it that I have to come to you? Why did no one bring any of their complaints to my attention?

My conclusion may of course be wrong, which is why I'm telling you about it; if I'm right, I'm just exposing myself to further hurt. My conclusion is that you don't value my efforts here, or my abilities to change the problems you find, or basically anything about me. Except that I respond when you talk to me.

I hope it's not true, but it's how I feel.

You say its not personal but you sure have made it that way Youve never been excluded here in anyway to the contrary youve been invited and talked to and with and asked about many times not because anyone had to but because they wanted to You ask why do you have to come to us? No one said you had to especially since you were just here like the rest of us have been

You complain that we trash the site Ive not seen any endless trashing of anything comments and talks about things feeling odd uncomfortable unliked unsafe etc yeah sure and why shouldnt we discuss such things with each other that have come to consider each other friends Not every single thing that occurs needs to be complained about for some monitor to come in and try and save the day sometimes just saying hey this or that happened or happens and I dont like it and vent about it is whats needed and is a personal choice

By now Im sure everyone knows if they want actual moderator help how to get it but ya know not everything needs to be police matter doesnt mean talking about it is some how wrong You say none of us have done anything to change anything what is it you think I or any of us in here should be doing that we arent

Because some of us prefer to talk to a certain bunch of people instead of being out in a group of people for the most part that I know for one never accepted me at all a few people were nice to me and 3 out of those 4 are talking in here now Shannon feels comfortable talking out in the forums and still does from time to time Everyone here has free will

for you to say weve excluded you in some way and expect you to come to us is kind of insane since you chose to exclude yourself and although you state we should be trying to fix things like actual community members why did it take numerous iquiries about how you are and whats wrong with you and finally a private message from me to get you to say something

You say you are angry well at this point you arent the only one and of course Im sure Ill become the bad guy in all this somehow too somehow you seem to think yourself and others can vent and talk about things but if we do it in here in between talking about so many other things its some huge crime and we arent really members well thats fine with me just remember you excluded yourself on your own and you yourself have not done what you seem to be expecting of us in here to do

Nothing in life runs smoothly and no one is ever 100% satisfied I dont have to run to mommy and daddy because some assholes want to send bullshit messages over something that happened like 6 months ago I just dont give a shit enough about it and considering everything I know you and the other mods do here it wasnt important enough to have to report and for what really to happen I know how to use a delete button

Ive been going through a lot of shit and if I want to vent about it with my friends or how some bullshit here is only adding to the stress thats my choice Now if someone in here was saying hey that mod malign or luna suck shit and should have done this or that or did this and that and blah blah I could see and understand ya being upset and angry none of that has ever happened about either of you or any of the mods at this site

does the new member forum seem cold and sterle yeah I think it does has several of the members that actually post on a regular basis gone over and beyond kissing someones ass that started a problem where there wasnt one sure did but those are my opinions and I am entitled to them I dont have to justify them to you or post out where I was barely welcome let alone accepted for what further abuse nah rather stay with my friends I know accept me for me and dont tend to turn and wanna chomp on my ass

Okay, fair enough: I withdrew from the conversation here. I tried to say why, but you're right that no one forced me not to come.

Mike, this is not going to end up by either us being made the bad guy, because neither of us is one. Nor am I trying to change the opinions you're entitled to; I'm just airing different ones. I hope I'm entitled to mine, too.

"it wasnt important enough to have to report"

One of my questions is, if it's not important enough, why leave? Clearly, something's important enough that you want to leave, and as I said in the last one, you're entitled. I'm just curious why, and whether there's anything we could have done, or could do now, to make a difference to that.

I've enjoyed this section and the genuine interactions without the drama. One of the aspects I've liked the most is the ability to be able to listen and or say something that maybe isn't mentalhelp PC without having it be the end all.

Malign, there were clear reasons which you are aware of as to why Mike even started this blog. I do not think anyone in this group excluded you. Looking back I can not locate any post of yours where you discussed anything about yourself. Being personal or not was of course a decision you made. To not feel like an outsider you have to also be willing to jump in. I know I was here listening and respected what ever you wished to share. You have often been asked about your well being and kidded with. Yes, I have become in person close with Jedidiah and Mike but never was that to exclude you, Luna or of course Shannon.

I know at times Shannon has felt that disconnect because of her physical distance however, she still posted away. I don't want to talk about Shannon as if she can not for herself but I'd like to think even without the in person relationships she's not felt out of place. I believe everyone that was invited into this blog has not only been wanted but supported as much as they would allow.

Maybe the reason it's time for us to move to another site is because as you alluded to, some of us aren't really considered members. This area was never started out of spite or to be disparaging of the site, it was created as a refuge from unneeded drama and stress.

As Mike already mentioned there isn't any place without problems. I also don't believe we have trashed this site, unless you consider not agreeing with or liking every aspect of it trashing. I also don't remember any posts talking about moderators in some profoundly negative light. Topics other members posted about have briefly been discussed and even than I didn't find them to be negative in nature. When some issues/topics were brought up they were done because someone here wasn't understanding them and was trying to. There have been so, many issues discussed in this section rarely have you commented on any of those. Not commenting was your prerogative however, now only commenting on brief peppered, unsavory aspects mentioned about the site itself is grossly unfair.

Everyone has a right to their feelings and no one has to agree with everything. I would hope however, that the basic facts of circumstances wouldn't become warped in the discussion.

This is all my fault and I am very sorry, I should not have said anything. Now everyone is going to be angry with each other and Shannon is going to become upset all over again.

Elijah, please don't worry. I'm not angry at anybody, at least not enough to cause upset. I hope (and believe) that Shannon realizes that. And I only came to talk about this because Mike asked me a question that I felt he deserved an answer to, not because of anything you did.

Peace everyone, peace. Please?

I am not interested in arguing or fighting with anyone. Another great benefit of this section was that none of that ever occurred.

I do find it a tad confusing to have Mike's private message to Malign responded to in Mike's blog. If this is not meant to be discussed with everyone than why was it ever posted and not addressed privately?

I'm also interested in knowing what it is that Malign believes "we" should be doing to better the community. Call me selfish but I am not here for the community, I am here for myself. Talking with and supporting those I have a connection with is what interests me. Posting where I am more likely to get a response is also of interest to me. Believing things I've discussed won't be turned around and spit back at me also factors into that choice of posting location.

Malign also stated that in addition to his feelings of being excluded that we were also excluding his friends. I don't even know whom he considers friends or why having different friends is an issue. I don't remember anyone ever commenting on his relationships with others. How is our talking in here affecting those relationships?

Overall this thread was begun as a means of gathering basic opinions of what those of us might like or not like to carry on with us. Mike, Jedidiah and myself decided we did not have any interest in returning to the open forum so, why than is our moving off the site altogether an issue? We aren't considered good enough or real contributing members anyhow.

Hey..trying to catch up here...been busy in my own little world. The things I strive for in my life are personal growth, empowerment and surviving in my world and learning more. I believe everyone has the basic right to speak out about how the feel, no matter if someone agrees with it or not. yes, misunderstandings can occur such is human nature I suppose. yes I do occasionally post in the forum..no not as much as I use to, mostly do that I have been more active in my life now that the months are warmer...winter was another story..its nothing personal at all. I chose to stay connected with Mike, Jedidiah and Hotspot because we have in the past been supportive of each other and they invited me to be here. Yes it is correct that at times I have felt disconnected but I think that is something from my side not anyone here or in the community, its just my situation. I only want the best for everyone.

Jedidiah..I am not upset by this..everyone is expressing themselves and that is a good thing no matter how it is seen or interpertated. I am confused how you think this is your fault...I can't find fault in anything here...just want the best for everyone.

I am glad this has not upset you Shannon.

I know I brought up things bothering me that were happening to Mike several times. They were bothering me more than perhaps they were him. Receiving a private message regarding a post in this blog from someone that never says hello made me uncomfortable, which led to my post in the other thread. Even though it was from moderator Irmajean it makes me feel strange. I also wrote about not liking how new members are treated. I asked how Malign was many times because I did not understand why he was ignoring our concern for him. When I saw Malign's response to a private message from Mike, I assumed it was because of issues I have written about throughout this blog.

It saddens me but at least now I am aware I am not considered a member of this website. I have had that feeling for a while now however, I thought they were my feelings not reality. I at least know where I stand. I could understand their being anger if some of us were out in the forums talking about this private blog making others feel unwelcome but that is not the case. I am not aware of anyone from this blog ever posting about it.

Ya know Im not sure why this was answered as reply here to private message either and I really dont care that it was it is fucking strange though that you got me and others talkin about what youve said but you dont say anything why have brought it here then sounds like you just wanted to throw shit out there that didnt really happen and even when some of what you said was addressed because maybe it could have been seen that way when not taken entirly in dont like what I say then ban me I dont give a shit anymore I was fine being here with my friends you had no interest in helping any of us feel better staying here to post no clue why you even asked did it make you feel good to ask I guess it must have only point I see in having done it

At the bottom corner of every post there is the IP addresses of everyone that posts and in this section everyone that posts or reads my screen reader goes nuts everytime it hits those sections if I dont get it to skip it fast enough and ya know they dont add up if you are a moderator reading in this section than you should say so and not be invisible on the visiter list no one said you had to talk with any of us but comin into a private area and lurking in cloak feels slimy to me if only doing your job then there is no reason to hide

What should I say, Mike?

People are telling me that my point of view is factually wrong and meaningless. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to add to that. I'm not going to get into an argument about whether I have a right to a point of view.

Nor am I interested in banning anyone else for having a point of view. You're entitled.

dont have lots of time to answer this waiting for my old people to get out of the store

look no one ever said your feelings or point of view are meaningless again this seems like a twist Think I can safely say everyone here that responded accepted why you might have felt excluded even though you even said you did that part to yourself then a bunch of us acknoledged other statments of ours that could have been seen the way you were the problem as I see it as is that you are choosing to only pick and choose parts out of a lot of talking that went on in this blog and then instead of discussin even though again several here didnt think it should be taken the way that it has you dont say anything no one wanted to fight with you but if you got a number of people pointing out how what you are thinking is off why not consider that it might just be that instead of taking it as some personal attack underminin your feelings which no one did we all just tried to talk to you about it but like Jedidiah or maybe was Hotspot said seems like you only wanted to talk at us not with us why is it you cant examin your own points in all this along with everyone eleses why is only yours or nothin