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Jailer


Solstice

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I've built myself a prison, brick by brick. Every brick has a name: self-loathing, overwhelming emotions, lack of trust, fear, pretense. I knew what I was doing as I built it, but I could not stop.

Back when it was only half built, I used to dream about things that aren't out of reach for a lot of people. A loving relationship, a couple of friends, a little happiness more days than not.

Now I only dream about the end. Not suicide -- I'd just screw that up too. But...a burst blood vessel in the brain, a sudden car accident, just not waking up in the morning to face the fact that it's another day of the same prison and I can't get out. I'm young. I've got a long time left of this. But I'm walled in now.

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{{{{HUGS}}}}

Walls can be broken down, brick by brick, one layer at a time. Its a slow process, but it can happen. :)

I know the feeling of dreams being out of reach, and somedays the task of just doing simple things, is completely impossible. But with each passing day, that I manage to get through, I hold on to the hope that Im one day closer to my dreams. :(

Im sorry for your pain :)

Were here for you and are listening.

Please take care.

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Thanks for the hugs, Sue. :) I could certainly use them right now. The rational part of me knows that things could change, maybe, if I worked hard enough. But I feel like I've been working forever, and only making it all worse. Sometimes I imagine just getting up, walking out the door, and not stopping until I get somewhere that no one knows who I am and my mistakes can't reach me anymore.

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Its hard, long tedious and tiresome work, at times, trying to change or improve things.....

Just because you havnt manage to knock your wall down yet, dosnt mean you arent trying hard enough. It just means its a pretty high wall that you have built up, so its gonna take time to take it down again.

Yeah, Ive kinda done that - Opened the door, went to a place where no-one knew me, or the mistakes in my life I've made, and it didnt change a thing. Coz, you cant run or walk away from yourself.

You can change - everything is changable - except the past obviously. (But thats Murphy for ya). Just keep trying, and dont give up - you never know, you may be closer to bringing down that wall of yours than you think :)

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You're right, of course. I've noticed you usually are. :) I'm just feeling sorry for myself, which won't help anything but I need to get it out anyway.

How are things with you? (oh, and please don't be offended if it takes me time to respond to stuff -- I'm at my soul-sucking job, and only log in occasionally).

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Nah, your not feeling sorry for yourself at all hun. Sometimes reality just plain sucks and things hurt. Its not self pity for acknowleging that pain.

Its a good thing really, coz once you have acknowledged it, you can set about changing it, to make things better in the long term.

Easier said than done, I know - but anythings possible - right ?

Me, well I guess Im ok, Im kinda working on that building site, like you, and trying to take my walls down. :)

No worries, theres no time limit to when you respond.:)

A soul-sucking job - that dont sound good. What do you do ?

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I do like to believe that anything is possible. Days like today it's harder to believe. But maybe tomorrow will be a little better. Or not. Guess I just have to try to keep toughing it out.

Sounds like you understand all too well the whole bit about breaking down walls. I'm sorry that's the case, and I hope things get better for you soon.

My job...I do insurance work. It's a good job. I'm happy to have it, when so many others don't. But sometimes it just plain sucks. :o

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Yeah, maybe tomorrow will be better, even if only in a small way, obviously I would prefere it to better in a big way - but I like to keep things realistic where ever possible :o

I understand about breaking down walls / barriers, as do many of us here.......

Theres no easy way of doing it. But it is possible :)

Im glad you have a good job, all jobs suck some days, tomorrow it might be less suckier (is that even a word :confused:)

Do you have a therapist that can help you with your struggles ?

Take care

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"Less suckier" is definitely a word. I use words for a living, and I say it's valid, so it must be. :o

I do have a therapist...but...to be honest, I'm afraid to tell her half of what's going on with me. When I've opened up even a little, she just seems to hurt so much on my behalf (if that makes sense) that I don't want to do that to her. I can only imagine what she'd feel like if I really told her how self-destructive and dark my thoughts are. Plus, one of the things I'm struggling with the most is my relationship with my husband (looong story, not worth telling here :eek:), and when I talked to her about my interactions with him, her answer was just that he's unreasonable and abusive. Maybe true, maybe not (I think I'd drive anyone to the point of being unreasonable), but I'm trying to save the relationship, and hearing that wasn't helpful.

...oh look, I'm being all self-pitying and woe is me again. It's really not that bad. Sometimes I really think I just need to grow up and get over myself already.

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Oh Im so pleased less suckier is a word :cool:

Yeah that makes sense.

Hmmm, that cant be easy - if you feel you have to hold back on the things you discuss, for fear of upsetting your therapist. Coz then you are concentrating on protecting your therapists feelings rather than trying to work through whats troubling you....

Well if you ever want to talk about your relationship with your husband here, I say go for it, if it is helpful to you. If you want to try and work on your relationship with your husband, then thats a good thing - but dont ever think that you drive anyone to the point of being unreasonable. You are only ever responsible for your own actions - no-one elses.

Hey have you heard me doing my Woe is me routine ?

"Woe is me, Im as woe as a woe can be - Im very woe-ly" And yes I have been known to type that on some of my blogs :)

Your not being self pitying - your expressing your emotions and feelings - theres a difference :o

You dont need to grow up - everyone knows grown ups are boring !!!! ;)

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You're right -- grown ups are boring. And I think everyone's entitled to a "woe is me" routine...I just feel like I've been overdoing that routine a bit lately (OK, more than a bit :eek:)

Must be late where you are, isn't it? Or very very early. I can't keep track of time zones to save my life...

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Admitidly Im a adult now (im 37) - but a grown up I will denie till my dying day :)

Nah your not over doing the "Woe is me" at all - no where near !!!!.

Erm its nearly midnight here, but to be fair it may aswell be mid-day, I cant do the whole sleep thingy these days - I just tell myself sleep is very over-rated :o

Me either - even though both pseude and sed have tried explaining it to me - many times, even put a time-zone map on one of my blog entries for me. ;)

Hope things become a little easier for you soon.

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Yep, sleep is over-rated, I hope, since the sleeping thing isn't working much for me either. Think I might be turning into a vampire (WHY don't they have a little vampire smilie??? That's what I need right now!!!)

I do hope you get some sleep, and thanks so much for listening to me today. I'll return the favor anytime.

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Hi Solstice,

I hear you've had just about the same kind of day - Ive had.

So thought maybe these would help bring a smile your way - even if only momentarily :o

FF113.jpg

How are you today hun ?

Take care

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Sue, thank you for the lovely flowers. They did bring a smile to my face, and more than just momentarily. :o

Today kinda sucks, but could be worse, so I'll just keep fighting on.

How are you? You doing OK?

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Its good that your still fighting - show the world what yer made of. And if your world is giving you Hell, you just do your best to give it Hell, right on back. Coz you are a lot stronger than maybe you realise. ;)

My day is nearly over - its evening here now, and arent I lucky, I get to do it all again tomorrow - YAY !!! :o

Actually, Im doing ok, not wonderful - but Im kinda leveling out a little compared to this morning :)

You at work hun ?

Hope your day gets better :D

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I'm glad you're doing OK. I know from experience that sometimes leveling out is the best we can do at the time. :) And yep, you'll get to get up and do it all over again tomorrow, but I like to remind myself that tomorrow is another shot to do just a little better than today. ;)

I am at work...It's really the only time I get on this site, since when I go home, I try to focus on making things better there. Not that things are getting better, but I am trying at least.

Hope your evening passes peacefully and as happily as possible. :o

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Well all the time your trying to improve your home life - you stand more chance of things becoming how you would like them to be - even if it is a long process. Nothing ever worthwhile happens 'in a blink of an eye' more like over many blinks, and a few catnaps inbetween. Things will become easier, and Im sure all your hard work will pay off.;)

I'm in hospital hun - theres nothing peaceful about this place, (its a mad house - literally :o) but yeah, Im gonna try my best to ignore the chaos around me and meditate myself to a nicer place - thinking about going to the lakes, on a lovely summers day :D

Hope work dosnt get too tedious for you today, and that you have a pleasant remainder of your day :)

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