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Enough


Solstice

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I have had enough.

Enough of hating myself, the demons that live inside me, and trying to fix it and failing and once again behaving like someone I don't even recognize.

Enough of therapy and therapists who alternate between: (1) wanting to pour medication down my throat; and (2) and telling me it will all be OK if I just learn to be kind to myself.

Enough of being told to "work through" my past, which just means digging up old memories of all the ways my parents neglected and abused me and gave me everything anyone could want...except love and not having to be afraid and examples of how to be a decent human being.

Enough of going home every day to a husband who hates me and only talks to me to remind me of what a piece of crap I am and how I have ruined his life.

Enough of putting on the suit and the makeup and the attitude to come to work every day and pretend it's all fine when all I want to do is hide under my desk and cry.

Enough of harming myself when the pain inside gets too bad to handle and then spending the next days and weeks feeling the external pain I caused myself and wondering when I became such a freak.

Enough of posting here because I've got no one to talk to because I dedicated my life to a man who hates me and a job that consumes me.

Just enough, already. I want to be done.

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I was thinking of the winter solstice -- the longest night of the year. It mirrored how dark I felt inside. How dark I still feel inside, and how much I hope for brighter days.

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Sue, thank you for the hugs and the kind words. They mean more than you know.

Finding, I can't (won't?) really consider getting out of either the marriage or the job. I won't leave the marriage because I know all too well how much responsibility I bear for making it this way, and I just could not live with myself if I walked away after ruining everything. I feel it's on me to make it better. I just don't seem to be able to. Also, my husband does not work, and a divorce would result in financial mayhem for both of us.

And I really can't leave the job. I'm the only person bringing in any money, and there's nothing else available in my field that would not be a massive pay cut. Really, where I live, there's nothing else available in my field, period. And I'm not qualified to do anything else.

So here I am. Just wish I could figure out how to accept it all.

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Interestingly, though, there's a solstice at the other end of the year, too ...

I was trapped in a similar way, you know. Sole breadwinner, continually told how awful I was, yet the other person stayed, too ...

I didn't end up having the courage to start the separation (she filed a protective order instead), but looking back, I realized how much my own image of my identity, basically ego, kept me right where I was. I thought I'd be giving up "Husband and Father", when the reality was that I'd never had those things.

Your mileage will undoubtedly vary. I hope you'll make yourself the most important thing in your life, the way it's supposed to be.

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[i thought Solstice was a Ice-cream lolly - thats what it is over here anyways - hadnt realised it had a true meaning before a little while ago - sorry you guys really didnt need to know that - oops :o Sheeze Im so clever :rolleyes:]

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You're right, Mark -- there is that other solstice, and someday I hope to relate to that one instead of the "dark side" of things. And maybe it is ego that keeps me where I am. Sometimes I look at my own behavior and wonder if I'm just pushing to make him leave, and then it won't be my fault...but I certainly don't have the courage to do it.

Finding...I don't know if my therapist is any good. I haven't been working with her that long, and I'm trying to keep an open mind (I'm a pretty goal-oriented person, so I tend to walk into therapy with a kind of "fix me now" attitude). But I have trouble telling her about the things I'm struggling with most, because they seem to upset her so much. And I have trouble with her advice, which just seems to be that I should be nicer to myself (that goal-oriented thing again :().

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Well it sounds curious that you are upsetting her-- does she need to refer you to someone else?

Or is she just showing you a strong reaction? Do you trust her enough to mention that it feels you are upsetting her with the things you say in therapy?

There are some very concrete gains to be made with going at yer self talk and observing it for a while. One of the most powerful things I've learned is that the things I am saying to myself count.

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I don't know if she needs to refer me to someone else. I brought up the fact that I do seem to really be getting to her, and she says she's OK, but it seems like anytime I bring up something really big, she kind of panics. For example, I was pretty brutally honest about how much I'm hurting in one session, and her answer was to suggest that I should go into intense inpatient treatment. The next week, she tells me she doesn't think that's the right answer, but she was just so upset by how much I was hurting that she made a bad recommendation. I know we all make bad recommendations sometimes, but now I feel like I have to protect her from my feelings...

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Well if I were you I would venture one more time and say, I've been feeling like I have to protect you from my feelings. If she's the one for you, she will take that up and work with it bravely. If she can't, you may want to ask for a referral. I hope you get going with someone soon, Solstice! These things are very tough to tackle on our own :(

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I'm just going to point out, for humor's sake, that her screenname is 'finding ...'. I'll leave you to figure out where 'Thinking' came from. :-)

{Dr. Freud's slip is showing again ...}

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I have to go in and read your blogs yet, but I wanted to drop you a quick hello for the moment. I would like to support you. You've been a wonderful support yourself and a valuable member of the community. I'll check in more later. Take care.

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