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Insight?


Ralph

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Lately I've been thinking about some stuff and sometimes what feels like the great insight that cracks the whole problem turns out to be no more than my strong opinion for a fleeting moment. Today I've been all over the emotional spectrum, mostly down in the dumps though despite doing some good things for my diet and preparing for job interviews. Normally i get a boost when I do something constructive. I'm writing down my current hypotheses here to review later.

1. to quit drinking I have to have a positive reason to stay sober. One that motivates my baser characteristics as this is the level of decision making I am at when I drink. In other words I've got to get mad at alcohol for what it's depriving me of, namely who I used to be. Who I thought I was. But that me was suicidal anyway, so perhaps this is a case that the goal has been achieved?

2. Much of it has to do with low self esteem. I'm constantly scared something bad is gonna happen if I step too far out of my shell. Things are not so great already though, so how much have I got to lose?

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Learning a little about the first one. To stop drinking, it needs to stop hurting. I made it to about 9PM tonight, used music which helps but I was nauseous, jittery, fever, pains, and derealization had set in. It's so easy to say if only I had X I would be happy. I want to say that about feeling stable within reality. If only I could be free from derealization and depersonalization, I wouldn't want to kill myself. But that's BS. I'd find some other pain to whine about. All I can say is it hurts but I still have hope that I am getting through this. I'm doing things to heal even if quitting cold turkey is clearly a pipe dream.

Right now, I feel like nobody cares. That's not true, I know. My boyfriend said I could live with him overseas if it gets desperate. The people on this site who have offered support and wisdom are also people who care otherwise they wouldn't take the time to write something. I guess it is the case that right now, it hurts so bad, I don't even know how to express it, so I go into angst mode even though I have evidence against it.

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Hey Ralph.

Are the symptoms you describe from alcohol withdrawal or something else?

One thing I admire about your blog entries is that there always seems to be a quiet strenght behind your words. You never sound like you're about to give up, just that you're struggling. It's admirable to say the least, and not something I can quite say about myself.

Is your boyfriend currently living overseas? If so, I can imagine how difficult the distance is. Are you alone a lot? Or do you have friends you go and do things with? Being alone can sometimes make everything feel ten times worse and it quickly becomes easy to feel uncared for.

I wish you all the best.

Take care.

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Combination of both. It is difficult to separate alcohol w/d from that which I am self medicating.

Yes my bf is overseas and I'm alone pretty much all the time. I get out once every 6 weeks or so.

I have some friends but I don't see them often. I'm avoiding them because I feel really embarrassed that I haven't got a job yet.

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So what are the symptoms that are not from alcohol withdrawal from (if you don't mind my asking. If you do mind my asking, feel free to tell me to mind my own business)? How often do you get to see your boyfriend and is there an end in sight to the separation?

I'm like the king of being a loner, so I can relate on that front. I'm not much of a people person and don't have any close friends (offline, anyway) to speak of. And with my girlfriend leaving me recently, the only company i have most days is my cat. Being alone really sucks sometimes, especially when you're hurting. Since you don't currently have a job, is there a reason you aren't chosing to live with your boyfriend? Do you think the people you consider friends would really be that judgmental about your lack of job?

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I'm trying to self medicate derealization for the most part.

My boyfriend and I are separated because he has to work in his home country to pay off grad school. I'm in US trying to make enough money to help out. The plan was I would get a master's degree after supporting him through his PhD program. Then that would lead to a better job. I've now graduated but no full time offer in sight yet. I will probably move to be with him if I cannot find anything here though.

As for would my friends be judgmental on me, it's more me judging myself.

Cats can be the best company. They don't need attention all the time, but they seem to sense when someone is down and go to just sit with you.

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