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waking up



last night only had 2 drinks. Compared to 5-7 for the past couple weeks, this was a decent sized step. Woke up earlier than normal, had scary dreams. Right before waking up I was dreaming about drinking and really wanted a beer for breakfast. This is not normal for me - I normally never drink before lunch time at the earliest. :) I woke up shivering but neither hot nor cold.

Right now I feel really shaky. Sudden twitches in my neck and hands. Feels like I was recently electrocuted with a very low amount of current. Thought about going to an AA meeting to maybe ask questions about withdrawal but last time it was somewhat triggering to be there and I came home, got drunk. Trying gym instead. If a short cardio and steam room doesn't do the trick I might go to a meeting later. Still not sold on AA but any support I can get is better than nothing right now. Feel like I've allowed my life to get out of control on so many levels just because I never planned to be alive this long.

Some things that are better right now is my heart doesn't feel like it's trying to pound its way out of my chest for the first time in 30 hours or so. I was pretty amped up on waking but after some coffee (ironically) I'm calming down. My guess is the ritual of preparing the coffee is what relaxed me, not the tasty beverage itself. I was also able to pull up some music on Youtube just now without spending an hour watching stupid comedy videos. This is the first time I've gone on to YT without getting super distracted. Maybe my concentration is getting better.

My intrusive thoughts are back. Obsessing over suicide although I have no real intention to do so. Whoopie.

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Ralph, I don't know quite what it is about your posts, but they always seem mildly inspiring. I think what it is is that, despite your struggles, you always have a fair amount of insight, and you balance your negative thoughts and feelings with positive ones. Sorry the intrusive thoughts are back. I hope the gym trip helps. Take care.

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