Past couple nights drank 5/night. No motivation to be sober once the sun goes down. Always feels like I can drink for one more night. Going to meeting tonight, not sure if I'll drink after that or not.

One thing that is getting better is spiritual side. Met with a priest for spiritual direction, which is kind of a misnomer since it's more like spiritual sanity checking, but I guess that's tough to market. Anyway he was pretty helpful in getting me off my anxiety trip around spirituality. I was so busy beating myself up for what I'd done and assuming I was apparently one of the damned since the evidence of my actions pointed that way and I had no idea what I should do instead of what I am doing.

Converted that into it's okay to start without knowing. Some Thomas Merton material about not knowing but trying anyway and trust god will help out. Lot of faith and humility, but no guilt/self incrimination. With that I am trying something. I'm going to meetings to at least hang out with sober people for an hour at a time even if I don't get the message yet of how to be sober. Hope that comes along.

It is scary though. It's not like I decided to start drinking like this for no reason. I thought I was done with PTSD but it's coming through again. I can't even think about the past without flashbacks now, and job interviews are all about how did you handle this or that situation in the past. Strangely I'm optimistic that I can put the pieces back together of diet, spiritual, social, exercise, and career. Hoping that different areas will feed off of each other. I have to do something or I will stay stuck in learned helplessness, which is a bad habit that I have to fight against.