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Blog nathan

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Did something specific happen or is this just in general? I'm around if you'd like to talk--either on your blog or via PM.

I'm personally a fan of calling myself a dumbass. Mostly because I'm fond of being a dumbass.

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Yeah, I mean, being a dumbass fun, it takes away a certain seriousness. And the world in its current state, i think, is a little too serious for my taste.

At the same time, there is a genuine side to everyone, and what are you if you play around with that like a dumbass?

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Whoa, that almost read like a riddle. I think I'm confused now... (I'm a tad sleep deprived, so I'm pretty easily confused anyway...:))

When I call myself a dumbass, it's my way of letting myself know I don't deserve to live because no one likes a dumbass.

Are you ok?

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Being a dumbass makes a person not ok. That's what it takes for me anyway. :)

So.... are you actually a prick, or just feeling like one because of some event wherein another person did or said something to you?

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I am bitter, and apathetic. It does make me come off as a prick, which then makes me feel like one aswell. But I quickly numb that feeling away under my apathy

I don't understand how easily people fall into niches and groups. It seems inoriginal, lacking of creativity, and it makes me feel apathy.

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It's not working too well. It's really a form of suffering.

Yeah, the apathy probably comes from a need to stand out, to be different.

To do that of course, relies on not being part of something that already has a name for itself. So I form a sort of apathy for it, its a way to avoid being part of it, its a way to stand out.

Of course, I am not really standing out, more like standing in the shadows, misunderstood, and alone.

But I thrieve on that misunderstanding, I have a sort of sadistic awe for it. I like the shadows.

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I'm rather a fan of hiding in the shadows myself--that's when I get far enough to make it out the door. People are weird and I am often uncomfortable around them.

So...are there things you want to change? Got any plans for how to implement change?

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Yeah I have got some plans. First I am going to dress better, and keep my place cleaner. Next I am going to really concentrate on not needing to stand out, and merely be with others without the urge for something more or different.

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If my negative thoughts are taking me away from people, taking me away from some connection, then I will disidentify with them. On the other hand, sometimes negative thoughts are entertaining.

I will work on them though, they often do take me away from people, and perpetuate my aloofness and apathy.

Does hypocracy ruin the message?

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Believe me, no one likes a smartass either. ;-)

They tell me so, all the time.

"But I thrieve on that misunderstanding, I have a sort of sadistic awe for it."

Sadism directed at oneself, much like a prick who's been told to go fuck himself, inverts back on itself and comes out the other side, in this case as masochism. Self-torment is very easy to believe in, because you feel it, every time.

But look at it this way: it's also very common. It's hard to stand out by tormenting yourself, because most of us do it.

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