Who? Is it ok to ask? I recently told a prick to go fuck himself. Very satisfying, even if I felt guilty afterward.

Me. I was the prick.

So what did you do that makes you a prick? (I know this tactic, by the way--I'm like the king of negative self-talk...)

I don't know, it's probably my innate aloofness, or my inner hostility. It provokes reaction and anger in others. I provoke people.

Did something specific happen or is this just in general? I'm around if you'd like to talk--either on your blog or via PM.

I'm personally a fan of calling myself a dumbass. Mostly because I'm fond of being a dumbass.

Yeah, I mean, being a dumbass fun, it takes away a certain seriousness. And the world in its current state, i think, is a little too serious for my taste.

At the same time, there is a genuine side to everyone, and what are you if you play around with that like a dumbass?

Whoa, that almost read like a riddle. I think I'm confused now... (I'm a tad sleep deprived, so I'm pretty easily confused anyway...)

When I call myself a dumbass, it's my way of letting myself know I don't deserve to live because no one likes a dumbass.

Are you ok?

No one likes a dumbass, I know what you mean.

Yes, I am okay. I kind of wonder when I wouldn't be okay, wonder what it would take.

Being a dumbass makes a person not ok. That's what it takes for me anyway.

So.... are you actually a prick, or just feeling like one because of some event wherein another person did or said something to you?

I am bitter, and apathetic. It does make me come off as a prick, which then makes me feel like one aswell. But I quickly numb that feeling away under my apathy

I don't understand how easily people fall into niches and groups. It seems inoriginal, lacking of creativity, and it makes me feel apathy.

So....how's that working for you? Is there a reason for the bitterness and apathy?

It's not working too well. It's really a form of suffering.

Yeah, the apathy probably comes from a need to stand out, to be different.

To do that of course, relies on not being part of something that already has a name for itself. So I form a sort of apathy for it, its a way to avoid being part of it, its a way to stand out.

Of course, I am not really standing out, more like standing in the shadows, misunderstood, and alone.

But I thrieve on that misunderstanding, I have a sort of sadistic awe for it. I like the shadows.

I'm rather a fan of hiding in the shadows myself--that's when I get far enough to make it out the door. People are weird and I am often uncomfortable around them.

So...are there things you want to change? Got any plans for how to implement change?

Yeah I have got some plans. First I am going to dress better, and keep my place cleaner. Next I am going to really concentrate on not needing to stand out, and merely be with others without the urge for something more or different.

...and maybe work on the negative self talk? (<----that's me being a hypocrite )

If my negative thoughts are taking me away from people, taking me away from some connection, then I will disidentify with them. On the other hand, sometimes negative thoughts are entertaining.

I will work on them though, they often do take me away from people, and perpetuate my aloofness and apathy.

Does hypocracy ruin the message?

On the other hand, sometimes negative thoughts are entertaining.

That they can be... :cool:

Believe me, no one likes a smartass either. ;-)

They tell me so, all the time.

"But I thrieve on that misunderstanding, I have a sort of sadistic awe for it."

Sadism directed at oneself, much like a prick who's been told to go fuck himself, inverts back on itself and comes out the other side, in this case as masochism. Self-torment is very easy to believe in, because you feel it, every time.

But look at it this way: it's also very common. It's hard to stand out by tormenting yourself, because most of us do it.

That's is very true, and it takes a certain intelligence to recognize that.

But it takes something beyond or other than intelligence to actually live without tormenting yourself.

Absolutely, otherwise only stupid people would be in pain, and (despite their self-talk) that's patently untrue.

Stupid/smart, smartass/dumbass, tall/short, european/ asain, big/skinny, we are all human and we all have our pains.