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My Calling



The following is an entry from a blog I've been keeping on another site. I'm reposting this and other select entries because I feel like they provide the most insight into who I am and what I'm going through.

Originally posted August 8, 2011

I've been watching this video series by this pastor where he talks about various religious topics. In the one I just watched he talks about anger. He says that anger isn't always a bad thing, that when people get angry they become almost possessed and that if properly channeled and focused that this energy can be used to do beautiful and restorative things instead of destructive and cruel things. He started talking about how when people try to figure out what they want to do with their lives, what their purpose is, they often ask (or get asked) "What do I love?" but that another completely appropriate question is "What makes you angry? What injustice do you see and just can't help but want to run out and stop it or help those being oppressed."

When he said that one thing came to my mind: child abuse. When I think of someone hurting a child, I lose it. Every fiber of my being becomes enraged. Its so far beyond normal anger. From somewhere deep inside my soul, this righteous fury cries out against this grave injustice. I have to take action. I have to save those kids. Its something that is so truly wrong, like it goes against the laws of physics. I really can think of no better way to describe this feeling other then that.

As I said, he was talking about this in relation to one's calling and purpose, that what makes us angry can reveal what God wants us to do with our lives. As he talked about that, not only did I think about child abuse, but I also started crying and didn't stop until like half an hour after I watched this. It was really awkwardly emotional but it really reaffirmed what I plan to do with my life. God reminded me that I am supposed to work with kids and I need to really start believing in myself and my calling.

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So, I’ve read all of your blog entries and I had some thoughts…

The first thing to mention is how similar what you say is to what other pedophiles on here have expressed. Namely, the facts that you could not stand the thought of hurting a child and child abuse is something that upsets you greatly; the fact that you deeply care for and love children; the fact that you have social anxiety and a hard time relating to or feeling comfortable around peers.

You say, as others have, that you pose no threat because you wouldn’t act on your thoughts and harm a child. Well, consider this: Most adults in a relationship with another adult would not want to hurt their partner either. They care about and love them and would want no harm to come to them. As an adult who finds another adult attractive, you wouldn’t wait to get them alone and rape them. You would get to know them first. You’d think about them a lot. You’d be excited to see them again. You would think about doing things (and I don’t mean sexual things) together. You would never want any harm to come to them. Things would slowly progress and you would become more and more intimate. Parallel this with how you describe your crushes on children. It is all very much the same.

What I’ve seen you and others say when describing children is not the sort of affection a parent feels towards their child. It is very much the sort of affection a person might feel towards their significant other. –longing to see them again; thinking about things you will do together; missing them deeply when they are gone; and the sexual arousal comes secondary to this, but it is there. What you and others have described is not the sort of typical affection an adult feels towards a child. It is the type of affection an adult feels towards their lover.

In any normal adult situation, you don’t go and have sex with the person right away. You build the relationship first. Just as pedophiles do. Makes me wonder how self aware most pedophiles are—if they even see themselves as doing this as things progress. All along the way there are little justifications “I would never hurt a child” “I maybe find this child attractive, but I wouldn’t do anything sexual with them” “I can be in this tempting situation and not act because I know it’s wrong” and slowly ends up in tempting situation more and more , builds rapport with child, child returns affection. A hug is ok because it’s just a hug. A kiss is ok because it’s just a peck on the cheek. Little by little and with much justification each step of the way, your hands are down a little girl’s pants and you decide it’s ok because the two of you have become so close and you care about her so much and she likes it and she’s smiling…

So all this talk of “I would never hurt a child” is kind of pointless. No one ever wants to hurt the person they are in love with.

Reading your blog entries has been extremely disturbing. Reading you describe caring for small children whom you had a crush on. Describing fantasizing about diaper changes. Talking of your affection towards them. Mentioning being aroused by seeing them naked. All of that right there at your finger tips. It’s so easy to do one small thing and take it just a little further and a little further and to not even see yourself doing it. The kid runs around naked and your reaction gives off subtle hints that you like it and the kid repeats. Little by little, things progress and justifications are made.

Even the non sexual stuff becomes inappropriate. Wanting to see the kid again. Hoping for their attention. Thinking excessively about them. The way things are described in your blog is not how a parent describes their affection toward their children. It is how a person describes their crush. The person they adore. Think of any romantic relationship—it isn’t all about the sex. It is about the affection and closeness and wanting to do things with that person. The sex follows. THAT is why this is dangerous. THAT is why you shouldn’t be working with children. WE KNOW you don’t intend to hurt them, but you are attracted to them in inappropriate ways and could potentially progress from that attraction to inappropriate behavior.

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