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The Fear


Ehren

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The following is an entry from a blog I've been keeping on another site. I'm reposting this and other select entries because I feel like they provide the most insight into who I am and what I'm going through.

Originally posted August 2, 2011

I remember once I was helping a 5 year old girl get her shoes on after everyone else had left for the playground. She was already very upset because she couldn't get them on herself and instead wanted to go barefoot, refusing to let me put them on. I had to fight her the entire way before I finally managed to get them on. By the time we got out to the playground she was in tears over the whole ordeal. I was terrified that someone might suspect I had done something to her and seeing as how I was the only one in the room at the time I'd have no one to defend me. Luckily nothing happened but I shutter to think how incidents like this could be used against me if my secret got out.

Every single interaction I've had with a child over the years would be dissected and scrutinized. Every time I hugged a kid, picked a kid up, was alone with a kid, changed a diaper, comforted a kid who was upset, all of it would all be seen under a malicious light. Instead of someone who genuinely cares about the kids he works with I'd be seen as someone who was just manipulating them in order to gain access to them.

Sometimes it makes me want to quit and work in a cube farm for the rest of my life.

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Can you imagine what it would be like if I were to work for Child Protective Services? What would happen if my secret got out?!

That's what's really stopping me from thinking too deeply into it. Not to mention the fact that I also need to get a better grip on myself before ever really considering it.

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Geez, that would be a mess.

I agree that getting more control over everything would be a good idea but once you're doing better I don't see how it would be a problem although only you can really know for sure.

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