I think what I called panic attacks is related to drinking. I can't seem to enjoy getting drunk anymore because I start feeling my heart race/ dizziness/ think I'm dying/ labored breath before I can even get a decent buzz.

Going to take some days off just to see. Feel like I need to do a better job of coping in that I found a single tool that worked but didn't manage the risk of that tool's effectiveness changing over time. I know that most ways of achieving good feelings in the short term wear off over time but I thought I found a magical exception.

I have an irrational fear though that trying to change will cause something horrible beyond belief to happen. I felt this way once before except not about changing, just that somewhere something bad was coming and it was going to be worse than anything I could imagine. That was August 2001. Errr, well it's roughly the 10 year anniversary of that... coincidence?:eek::eek:

Anyway I still feel like somehow my self destruction is the only thing holding off something more dangerous from coming after me. If I am my own worst enemy, at least I know who I am dealing with. When I'm depressed I want to die, but when I'm anxious and I feel I might be dying I don't want to die. Perhaps I do want to die but not in the state I am in right now.