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stigmata


Ralph

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I think I'm getting panic attacks. I don't want to worry about it too much because that would obviously only make the problem worse. It's not fun though.

Feels like I am on a double edged sword with alcohol. I get overwhelmed very easily when I'm not drinking, but I damage my physical health when I am. Sobriety terrifies me because last try I realized I don't know how to deal with life without chemical assistance. It's like emotions never pass through, they just all collect until I feel like doing cocaine and a liter of vodka instead of just 5-7 shots of vodka.

I wish substance abuse counselor wouldn't keep banker's hours, actually worse than banker's hours because he only works 8-5 Mon-Thurs. This means I have to take off work any time I want to see him which if that is a weekly or even monthly thing I believe my manager will start asking questions.

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I've obviously got no advice on how to control your addictions. You know more about that than I do.

As far as panic attacks go, I briefly talked about them with my therapist and he told me that basically, what makes them so bad is that people fear them. He said that if you can sense one coming on, and say "To hell with it," and just let it pass, it will go away much faster. You know, kind of ask yourself "Is that all you've got?"

I haven't had a chance to test this out, but it makes sense.

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I took a xanax. I know these cannot be used long term but it made me feel normal. I even ironed my clothes for tomorrow and I am usually never productive after 5:00PM or so.

I didn't fear the first one because I didn't know it was a panic attack. I just felt so sick that I thought I was gonna die. Then I looked up the symptoms to see if I should see a doctor and panic attack comes up. Not sure if that's really what it is but it was intense. At least it's giving me a new perspective on suicide in that seriously thinking you have minutes to live is great for bringing into focus what you really appreciate about life.

Also if I think of it as just a panic attack and realize I don't need to call an ambulance then that does make it easier to handle or ride it out.

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The theory that xanax is addicting is based on its fast onset of effect. The assumption here is that the faster a drug comes on, the more likely the relief is to be associated with the behavior of taking the pill, so it becomes a conditioned response. Something that comes on slower, theoretically you wouldn't notice as much so it would not be as reinforcing.

I disagree. I know the effect is from the pills whether it comes on in 15 minutes or two hours. So any drug that makes me feel better will be equally "addicting" in the sense that my goal is not to maximize feelings of intoxication, but just to make the hurting stop. Of course, I have been wrong in the past. That said if I'm not sure if my anxiety counts as extreme or not. How much more extreme can you get than "ohmyfuckinggodi'mdyingrightnow" - on second thought I don't want to know.:P

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