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Being boring



Today has been all over the place. Felt OK in the morning, then got to work and my email access had been turned off because someone in HR changed my start date and the system cannot handle that so it just decided I don't exist, and the HR person went on vacation for the week. Gah. So I was totally frustrated but working on stuff and then at noon I got hit with a wave of depression. I think about suicide but then I decided not to do suicide and back and forth. It's not that I was going to kill myself over being inconvenienced by HR, but more that the stress of the situation (uh oh did I get fired in my first week) left me remembering that I'd been thinking about suicide because addiction seems to have the better of me and now the panic attacks

Started when a door slammed behind me after I went through it. This brought up a flashback from a fight that my mom and stepdad had when I was about 10 and couldn't get it out of my head until I started working on something that was complicated enough to use up my memory. Seems like any loud noise or raised voices will trigger that. Learning how to calm down but even after the event there will be a residue that I haven't learned to handle yet. Also I don't realize that this is what happening until I notice my physical state change for no reason and then I have to think backwards to see what it was that I'm so worried about.

Then I was fatigued from the back & forth. Went to the gym but I got lost because my brain was fried and I didn't have the ability to put together facts like if I was traveling north, and I turn left, I should be facing south. I mean west. See what I mean? Gym was good and bought new pair of shoes and getting anything from the mall is an accomplishment for me because I hate shopping. I also decided I don't like living alone but with the love of my life halfway round the world the difficulty of keeping a relationship together is a lot to deal with. Maybe I should get a dog.

In short, mostly good day. Highly productive but I'm behind on organizing/planning & need to get that done so I can make sure I'm not spinning my wheels. Also I've been off of Seroquel for 2 days. It's harder to sleep but easier to get up in the morning. And to bear away. Nobody is going to get that one. :cool:


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