Think I found a reason why I can't be consistent in behavior. I have multiple different impulses and over time which impulses are strongest varies. When I'm stressed out, the rational me is less effective at controlling impulses so I do dumb things. Impulses I've identified so far are:

Defiance - joy in pissing off people more powerful than myself

Habit - joy in repetition

Self destruction - I hate my life and I wanna die

Escape - I can't stand myself

Craving for enjoyment

Masochism - I know something bad is gonna happen. Let's get it over with already

Creative - I want to make it happen

Growth - joy in getting better at something

The other idea I had today is that maybe pleasure isn't totally to be shied away from. When I quit last time, I was all grim about it like I'll have to get used to not feeling good. So even though I tried to employ positive coping methods, it was with an attitude of these are just coping methods not enjoyment, because pleasure is the enemy.

Wondering if it might be easier to find things I do enjoy, so that sobriety has something to look forward to. Hopefully once I get to seeing a substance abuse counselor I can remember to talk about stuff like this.