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another day thinking of C_ and what it could be...feeling all sorry for self. got to.



I have so much time on my hands right now. Most of it is spent surfing the net. I look for answers and can't seem to find them. I am so broke that I can go to a therapist.

Yesterday, I went to a concert with friends. It was somewhat fun, I mean considering I am all depressed. Then an ex-lover was insisting on telling me how sorry he was that he didn't called. Blablabla. To tell the truth, I didn't really care. I mean, I want him to be happy but I am not thinking about him like that at all. He kept on coming back with his 'sorrys'. Leave me alone! I mean, I didn't say that, but I just said, no worries. It's ok, I moved on, seriously. Doesn't get it. Still texted me a 3am.

I suppose it only gives me a bit of perspective into what it feels like to not care about how someone else may feel about you. I feel zilch for this guy now. I stay polite, but nothing more. Is this how C__ feels about me? I can only guess and it makes me very sad.

Then, this other guy, like 21 years old wanted to get me in bed or something...Not quite sure what he wanted to accomplish. He was very nice and all, but I am so not interested! I am 36 for crying out load. It doesn't even flatter me anymore. I am so blase.

I want a relationship and I didn't get it. I dwell and I dwell. I fantasize on how he will see me one day and fall in love again with me. How I will have a job by then, be all fit and beautiful, and he will come up to me and tell me he wants to try again.

Until I find a new guy to get all hooked up on. This is how I feel about how I operate at the moment.

But honestly, I just want to be in a good relationship. Sometimes I have regrets that I left M_. He was the closest I got to a lifelong relationship.

With C__ I felt like I couldn't be myself. I was afraid of rejection. Why are we so different?

Later I'll start and post my list of what I want...

anyway, I am sure no one has interest in what I am writing anyway so, blablabla.

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