I think I may have found what is going on with me lately. I think I am a bit dependent or needy. I think, to some extent, I have what buddy "Moore", called "Obsessive Love Disorder".... I am posting several link so I don't forget what I've looked at.
Hodgkinson believes several factors create a climate for obsessive love.
* Leisure, because obsessive love almost always coincides with boredom
>> well I don't have a freakin job, that would explain this.
* Feelings of vulnerability and a perceived failure to belong because those who feel they do not have a recognized place in the world (e.g., those who are required to perform an unfulfilling job), and/or those undergoing dramatic life changes and the associated fear and lack of self-confidence will seek out an outlet for their anxieties. Hodgkinson believes this is the most important factor.
>> I do lack self-confidence :eek:
* An inflated opinion of oneself, as this is believed to ultimately stem from insecurity, with this insecurity driving the obsessed to seek an individual with attributes that they want for themselves.
>> Yah, I thought C_ was so good looking, so athletic and successful, I guess I did want to be that, or also it would make me feel like a woman to be loved by such a cute guy!
* Particular childhood experiences, such as deep feelings of unworthiness during childhood that lead the obsessed to seek out one who finds the obsessed similarly unworthy in adulthood.
>> sigh! yeah, try getting a dad that's abusive and obsessed with is own poor self, and a mom that focuses on another sibling.
* Feelings of being special and/or different, as there is an apparent correlation between feelings of distance from peers (whether real or perceived) and obsessive love.
>> I definitely feel different from him that's for sure. He said he 'didn't get me sometimes'. Well I don't get you f*kr.
* Inequality between the lover and the beloved, e.g., the beloved may be married/taken, older, too young, famous, far away, from different social class or attractiveness level or otherwise unattainable.
>> C__ is somewhat famous I guess. I think he's so good looking, but my friends think he wasn't overly good looking for me. Anyway, doesn't matter, I saw him as a 'god' I think.
*Others have suggested that borderline personality types and dependent personality types are at greater risk for relationship addiction.
Hodgkinson recommends realizing that one who loves obsessively has not fallen in love with a real person, but rather an illusion, regardless of real compatibility!
It is estimated that up to 90% of obsessive love is motivated by projection. The obsessed is not falling in love with their target because of any salient properties of the target, but for what that target represents to the obsessed. Hodgkinson suggests regression therapy as the most useful remedy.
Moore suggests that cognitive therapy, which is a type of counseling approach focused on what is happening in the "here and now" is the most effective treatment for love addiction. Challenging irrational thoughts, often based in fantasy is believed to be an important tool in the healing process. He also suggests support groups.
In some rare cases, the situation is different. It is true that usually the obsessed is not in love with the person per se but rather with his idea, his mental image of the person, which are two completely different realities usually.
All to say that:
Because of what C_ represented [good looks, famous and well liked in the community] and what he promised: "once I am in love I would be committed and there for you, blablabla". The promise of perfect love and security that I want, but that never manifested with him; all that left me all with freakin pedestal goggles on towards him.
then I got to 'phase one'
- An instant attraction to romantic interest, usually occurring within the first few minutes of meeting.
>> I thought he was really cute
- An immediate urge to rush into a relationship regardless of compatibility.
>> as mention before, we are not compatible! but still I insist on focusing on him
- Becoming "hooked on the look" of another, focusing on the person's physical characteristics while ignoring personality differences.
>> ya, he is not affectionate, and not intellectual, doesn't like the sports I like mostly, is not interested in my art, etc, etc. Oh, did I mention he has a freakin drinking problem the F@r? [sorry letting some steam out here]
- Unrealistic fantasies about a relationship with a love interest, assigning "magical" qualities to an object of affection.
>> He promised attention and devotion, or what I interpreted as such, but that never happened.
- The beginnings of obsessive, controlling behaviors begin to manifest.
>> hum, ya, this is the part where I am ashamed. I texted him [just one time] but still, and when I drive by his house, I get all upset if is car isn't there! Oh and I look him up on the net for crying out loud.
• Assess yourself for love addiction tendencies honestly. Some signs include obsessive thoughts about another person that interfere with your life and feelings of worthlessness or depression when not in a relationship
• Know healthy love exists and how to identify it.
• Be willing to face the pain letting go produces.
• Discover and address the underlying causes and psychological beliefs that support the compulsive/obsessive behavior. Ask yourself questions like, "What do I believe about relationships, love, and myself? Why might I fear closeness? Do I believe people will disappoint me or I will disappoint them?"
• Don't forget the past; utilize it. Acknowledge that you will move beyond any painful experiences and focus on future relationship success.
• Find a support group such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or a therapist trained in love addiction to help you through this transition.
And this is a good resource as well:
- REALLY evaluate, a person when you meet them. Keep asking yourself if you’re REALLY seeing this person for who he or she is or are you making the whole thing up?
- Becoming the focal point of anyone else’s life is not what you want and don’t allow someone else to become the focal point of yours.
- Try not to date or get into another relationship right away.
- Take a relationship inventory. Write down all the pros and cons of the relationship. All the good points and bad points of your ex. All the highs and all the lows.
- Be good to yourself. Give yourself a treat. Buy a new book or something nice to wear. Take a bubble bath.
- do positive self-talk and affirmation exercises to keep your self-image up. Don’t buy into any scenario that places this breakup squarely on YOUR shoulders. Don’t let this breakup drive your self-esteem into the ground.
- No Contact
- The first rule about “closure” is to stop saying the word. It’s a meaningless word and is often bandied about as an excuse to stay in touch with the ex. Closure happens when you least expect it, when you realize you’ve done your work and moved on, and it happens from inside you. You don’t’ need to know what your ex thinks or why you ex did a, b, or c to move on. our “closure” is your responsibility. You get closure by doing your work, not by re-engaging and dredging up more stuff. You get closure by keeping yourself safe, being good to yourself and un-attaching from that which you have been attached.
ok that should do for now. gawd.