It’s been 13 years since John died and I still don’t want to live, without him.

I loved him very much, and felt that he loved me. I could not grieve then. And I still have a hard time with it.

After he died I felt that my belonging was back with my family of origin. Emotionally, anyway. Most of them lived several hours away from me and didn’t want to move back really close. But in trying to understand who I was without John, I felt that I “belonged” to that family.

In the last 10 years I have discovered that I don’t “belong” and probably never did. You only belong if you conform to certain expectations and if you don’t – there’s “the look”. Disdain, scorn – I learned it as a little girl and was very, very afraid. (Despite my best intentions and efforts, I probably taught my daughter that, too, but that’s a story for another day.)

Maybe none of them/us truly “belong”.

Anyway, now I’ve gotten a new sense of acceptance and belonging in my in-person support group. And I’m getting back the parts of myself that I dissociated from as a child.

But, blanket-blank, still sometimes . . . what’s the point????

The people I loved as a child didn’t love me back. That was true then and it’s still true now. I’m not sure that I love my daughter. No problems with my son, but am I really capable of loving him either?

I did my best. They’re both grown and seem to be doing OK. Conventional wisdom says it would not be good for them if I took myself out of here. I’m not sure about that but any overt act would be irrevocable and I’m not so sure that it wouldn’t be harmful to them, either.

There are five wonderful cats that live with me. The mama came down my driveway about 9 years ago and later – there were the kittens. They are great companions . . . except not to the chipmunks and squirrels that live in the neighborhood. And with 5 cats, the vet and I both thought it was too much to keep them all inside all the time. So – there are 3 of them who live a life partly outside and true to their nature.

Samson, my big outdoorman, got a chipmunk today. My heart breaks.