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worries and thoughts....my reality


nancyannee

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Feelings of fear and terror. My heart is racing. I find fault with everything. I worry about every little thing. The police are coming to get me...I bounced two checks, the money is direct deposit. They will get their money. they always do. but maybe this time, they are tired of it and will get a warrant for them. sure I could get the money to pay up, but that would mean asking, no demanding my brothers step in and help me take care of Mama .Also, I look for the gas to be shut-off, I know they will just turn it off, BUT what if this time they are tired of a customer not paying and they get a warrant out for non payment???

For years and years, I have struggled to care for her. In that time, it has taken everything out of me for her and I still don't think it is enough. Just struggling to take care of basic needs has been too much for me. Shelter, Utilities,Food,Clothing,Gas. I am not capable of managing my own life, much less be someones caregiver. Mama deserves so much more than I can give her. Because of me, her last years were not as happy as they could be.

I finally got the car properly registered. I rode around for months with revoked registration. Finally that is taken care of and I then move on to worry about something that has not happened yet....

I feel like I am under a microscope. Literally. I have felt watched and stalked for most of my life. My earliest memories are of me being alone and thinking of being "watched"

I can imagine many things. The Universe is TOO DAMN big to think that we are all that exists... Therefore secret government groups Do Exist. Investigating and Tracking "alien" occurrences. People are involved. I believe many are involved WITHOUT their consent or knowledge. And wishfully thinking, there are just as many out there that believe. If that labels me "crazy" then so be it. I don't think it grandiose at all to believe this. To me it is logical.

This little bit I wrote took over an hour. I get ready to write and all my thoughts jumble together before I can complete them....

I will end on this, my granddaughter and I believe ALL children are born with the ability to read thoughts and emotions. sometimes with such stunning accuracy as to express them verbatim. it is frightening to watch.

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