Guess I had to go through some grieving over mistakes I've made. Not so worried about it anymore. Still haven't figured out personal identity yet so there's still that.
It occurred to me that I'm not making my future any better by overturning my past in the search for a cause to my current troubles. Still, a self defeating attitude is like an addiction and thinking in a new way feels unusual to me. So much easier to fall into hopelessness and self hate.
But just for the time being I am going to accept the things I cannot change, at least the things I know that I cannot change which would be anything in the past. I don't have to like it but I do have to accept it. If there is something I don't like about what I did, all I can do is work to change that now and in the future.