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There is a horror movie called Hellraiser that I have watched over and over again. The reason is it fits the feeling in my own mind. Specifically the second one. The first two were masterpieces. The rest of the series, not so much. One of the themes woven through the story is that of desire, agony, and ecstasy. Are they truly different, or are they in the end all the same? Another theme is sympathy for the devil. That is, the main character of the story is a demon called Pinhead, who has an interesting past. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't watched it.

Partly I identify with this movie because it feels like getting into my own mind has been like opening a Pandora's box. Inside has been agony, ecstasy, loss, and love. At every turn something changes and I'm not sure why. I'd like to find my way out of this maze, but I'm terrible at finding anything. Especially when that thing is right in front of me.

I think I need a meds change, but I'm afraid to talk with doctor, because I don't want to be asked to go on anti-psychotics again. The smallest dose of risperdal made me catatonic. I would lie in bed and do nothing, just stare at the ceiling for hours at a time, maybe get up to eat since it made me so damn hungry. That is, when I wasn't passed out. The zyprexa was not as bad, but still took away all my motivation or interest in life. Using AAPs for depression, in my case, was like fixing an out of tune piano with a sledgehammer.

I feel so lost. It's like every time I try to make things better, I just find deeper experiences of despair. I'm always tired, but I rarely sleep. I quit drinking for my health, and found myself obsessed with getting high in some other way. Of course I turn another corner and everything seems fine. I am doing a meditation weekend retreat in a few weeks and I'm sure I'll be happy as a clam after that.


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Dear Mazes

Sorry for not catching up at the moment, but I probably will take a look into your blog later. At the meantime, what is your purpose, and how do you spend your everydays? Do you have/want a job, friends, acquaintances, children?

I'm taking risperdal, I've taken up 10 kg-s of weight in the last two months, and I sleep about 13 hours a day, but it doesn't bother me. The fact that it would bother you, makes ne think that you have some purpose, something better to do than lying in the bed. I was wondering if you could or want to focus on that. So, if you dont mind me wasting your time, tell me a bit about your life while I check some of your recent blog entries.

Best wishes


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what is my purpose - to die without regrets

how do I spend my days - looking for ways to prove I'm not an idiot.

Do I have/want a job - have; friends - want; acquaintances - have; children - no. The last thing I should be in charge of is molding a young life.

I have some purpose, but I'm a failure socially. People neither like nor dislike me, I'm basically invisible most of the time. People have told me about parties, that I've attended, only to be surprised when I say, yeah I was there. Nobody really cares.

finding, I'm still stuck. To be honest I'm wondering if it's all worth it. The effort to get sober and all that, like what does it matter?

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Depression and addiction create a groove that is hard to swim against, to mix metaphors. You will have to think outside the fox to get the answers you need. (I just made that up-- sorry to slander foxes).

We know you here, Ralph. You are compassionate, smart, and these are great traits in a friend if you can give yourself more chances with people. Parties are not always the best venue for making friends-- why judge yourself?

Could you take up bird watching? Join a bowling league? Have you ever been in a support group? Something that goes against this tide.

Thinking of you, Ralph.

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