There is a horror movie called Hellraiser that I have watched over and over again. The reason is it fits the feeling in my own mind. Specifically the second one. The first two were masterpieces. The rest of the series, not so much. One of the themes woven through the story is that of desire, agony, and ecstasy. Are they truly different, or are they in the end all the same? Another theme is sympathy for the devil. That is, the main character of the story is a demon called Pinhead, who has an interesting past. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't watched it.
Partly I identify with this movie because it feels like getting into my own mind has been like opening a Pandora's box. Inside has been agony, ecstasy, loss, and love. At every turn something changes and I'm not sure why. I'd like to find my way out of this maze, but I'm terrible at finding anything. Especially when that thing is right in front of me.
I think I need a meds change, but I'm afraid to talk with doctor, because I don't want to be asked to go on anti-psychotics again. The smallest dose of risperdal made me catatonic. I would lie in bed and do nothing, just stare at the ceiling for hours at a time, maybe get up to eat since it made me so damn hungry. That is, when I wasn't passed out. The zyprexa was not as bad, but still took away all my motivation or interest in life. Using AAPs for depression, in my case, was like fixing an out of tune piano with a sledgehammer.
I feel so lost. It's like every time I try to make things better, I just find deeper experiences of despair. I'm always tired, but I rarely sleep. I quit drinking for my health, and found myself obsessed with getting high in some other way. Of course I turn another corner and everything seems fine. I am doing a meditation weekend retreat in a few weeks and I'm sure I'll be happy as a clam after that.