Do you listen to music, Andromeda? Maybe it could help you feel some self connection? I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

I tried to listen music , but its hard to feel. Maybe I felt too much and now its like my mind is shut down and I cant feel Last week I was so depressed I even wanted to self harm again and now its like nothing matters and Its like Im seeing my life from distance

I dont know why I fight so much, because I feel like I cant do anything right. I cant write and Im not sure Im good enough for science

Do you enjoy any hobbies? I find it helps me to breathe and do something fun and then I am better able to concentrate on my work. I hope you can be proud of your efforts. Maybe you fight because you care and caring matters a lot, I think. You may discover strengths in the future that you aren't aware of yet. I hope you will be gentle with yourself.

I'm sorry you've been depressed and numb, A. .

This sounds like a probable explanation to me - such protective mechanisms do exist:

Maybe I felt too much and now its like my mind is shut down and I cant feel

I'm glad you at least came here and shared your feelings and worries.

I can relate to your doubts about your abilities and science. One can never be 100 % sure, of course. But so far, you've achieved a lot - passed many exams despite very stressful circumstances and much suffering and fear. You wouldn't do that if you were "stupid" . Having a university education is good even in case one decides doing something else in future. You don't need to worry about your scientific career now. You'll see what the future will bring. What do you think about such point of view?

Take care!

I alternate between this and rage all the time. There is no in-between, and the numb periods are periods of complete apathy and abulia in which everything seems pointless and wasted.

I think you are right about education, Lala. I dont know why everything seems hopeless when things arent so bad I guess. Maybe its because part of me is scared that this is my last year in university with same people and next year all my friends will go in different countries to study for master degree and I dont know what will do if Im alone again.

I want to find something to hold on. But when I stay at night I only feel numb like Im seeing my life from distance. Even my memories dont feel mine. They look more like movie and so far away. Is this deperssion too ?

It could be a way you have learned to cope with what is painful.

Does anything help you to feel connected with yourself? Do you draw, paint, or write?

I write, but Its hard to write now . When I was in high school writing helped me a lot to express feelings, but now I cant.