is tiring. confusing, and just plain exhausting. it gets to the point, you just wish it would be over....As my mind goes over the options, my heart races to distraction.

I have handled my own illness without going to jail or being hospitalized involuntarily. My daughter (21) is just like me...only worse....youth is wasted o the young. she is clueless. When I was her age I lashed out. angry all the time. She has a huge heart and blames herself (just as I did) for everything around her. I was unable to instill in her self confidence and self worth. She is beautiful. She just can't see it.

She sees my breakdown happening right before her very eyes. During the time I am practically catatonic, she feels like it is something she said or did to upset me. I am grieving - I am realizing that my life is so not normal. I deserve to not be scared. I don't have to feel hunted and stalked. Everyone is not out to get me....(i hope) I know with the right kinds of medication, these feelings will lose their intensity.

She has always depended on me to take charge. take care of everything. i just can't keep on without help. She is resentful of the fact that I am going to need more help than she can provide. Bless her heart. I wish she could "fix" me..she blames herself for not being able to. She can handle things. She will be alright.