well, went to another bike ride with 200 fellow mountain bikers for the town's Thursday night ride. Saw C there again. I was waiting in line for food and I looked right. He was at the front and was looking at me. my heart was pounding. He smiled at me with a gentle smile, like he use to do, a million years ago, I smiled back and waved, and he just made a motion with is mouth "I have to go' I think he was trying to say, and that was it.

He was probably going on a date with this new girl he meet 2 weeks ago. And me. I a just here. Wishing and thinking. At least he didn't have the chance to say anything mean to me. I like you, you don't like me. Hey! you know. that's cool. urgh.

I just want a guy that's as cool as him. not asking for too much, I think. But it seems like such a rare thing! And I am not getting younger.

'I have to go". I have to go. great. leave me. always. behind. go find your girl. I hope you bore her to death. I hope you get bored of her. I hope you get to realize that I was a good catch. and you released me, and I found a better guy.

sorry. so mean. but, at least I don't say that to him for real.

sigh

T