yah me! hey, speaking of mistakes... Ah! I have those available in bulk, do you want one? I have plenty sigh.

So, today I went Kayaking with B and N... I can't stand them together. They take decisions without consulting me, and I really feel like a third wheel. I mean, if they'd be going out together I guess sure, but jeeeez. Anyway, I know this is me still dealing with old stuff in the end. It's pretty clear ovahere folks!

So what is it really? It's me feeling excluded. I feel like a child when I am with them. They cut me off when I talk sometimes, to talk to each other, or blink and continue talking to each other... Or they go for breakfast before kayaking, in their part of town, without inviting me... Whatever. They have a good relationship is all. Good for them. But it saddens me to feel excluded a bit.

PROBLEEEEEEEEM now: I act out! Yes, I am not proud. I pass 'comments' passive aggressive style. I won't go into detailzz here. But yes, there is this thing called communication that I don't have down when I am frustrated. Big time. Or I just assume things will work out the way I want, without even saying a word to them. Hum, HELLO?

I wonder if I can keep this relationship with them. I triggers my 'lower self' a lot. It's a shame because I do like kayaking at the moment, and they are my only 2 partners.

Today B had a flat on his truck. I was to drive my car to the garage and get air in the spare, or get the main tire repaired... Anyway, no one offered to tag along for the ride, which was the rotten cherry on top of the rotten icesssscream. So I was, "is anyone going to come with me?" Yeah, I know, not so positive. It's as good as saying: hey, any one of you good for nothin want to go for a ride with Gruppy ovahere?" Great.

Then, during the ride, I add: "well, you know, I never know what's going on anyway..." So N kind of gets exasperated. No doubt. And she says; "well, what is it STEPH?" in a blunt tone. And then adds: "It about communication you know" and I just go: "yes it is". and that's it. No "I just wished that you would have called me to go for breakfast this morn" or all the other freakin issues I have with these two.

Anyway. That is sure something to explore in therapy.

I am tired of not sayig what I need to say, to take decisions that suits me to, because of fear of I don't know what... Reactions? Getting a no? Getting into a painful argument?

I know where this all comes from. Baby girl. Baby girl who got kicked to many times when baby girl was. Baby girl who needed to be afraid. Clearly, but this is the past. My dad was a violent and unreasonable man who just put the fear of __ in me. No doubt. But hey, does that mean that everyone is like that? Hum, hello????

You pickin up what I'm putting down?