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10 moments. Not your friend anymore.



This is defining moment Number FOUR.

When I was about twelve, my 'best' friend M told me she couldn't be my friend anymore. She said she was moving up in the world, wanted to be an actress and needed to be around cooler and prettier girls. Girls that were more like her. She said, 'well, we can still be friends, but you wont be my real friend. I wont call you as much, and can't certainly hang around you when there's boys around. Anyway, I'm gonna go to private school now...'

I remember her telling me this. She was lying in my brother's bunk bed [yep, my bro and I still slept in bunk beds at the time]. She had this smile on her face but no real emotion of sadness or anything. She was pleased with herself. I was listening to that. Thinking 'and what does that make me?'

She wasn't a good friend. Never had been, I guess. I remember my mom being often displeased with her behavior and telling me it was unacceptable. She would barge in our place, open the fridge door and help herself to a drink... Call me a million times during dinner time. My mom urged me to tell her I was busy. I felt like I was pushed by her on one side, and pushed by my parents who disliked her on the other. I didn't have control. When we'd played with barbies, she would assign me the ugly doll with the hair chopped off [i didn't have barbies]. Her barbie would get Ken, the corvette, the house... She would make fun of me and my brother because my mom was the stay at home kind and we were never left home alone like the other kids on the street. She called us babies. I felt ashamed of this. Ironically, she was always at our place at night, until her own mom would come home.

Her father was a rep who sold trashy 'a la mode' teen jeans and stuff. One time, she wanted to have a fashion show. We tried on stuff, but I didn't fit in any of the clothes! Not that I was fat or anything, but still felt devastated.

When she said that that summer, I was really sad. I hung out long hours in the basement of the house by myself, with nothing to do. Felt ugly. I had no friends that summer. Went to this free day camp once or twice a week, while M and this other girl I used to hang out with were at this fancy summer camp where they would horseback ride, learn how to windsurf and stuff.

My mom seeing me like this told me she was a horrible friend anyway so nothing was really lost. But I didn't get it. I reasoned 'a friend is a friend. Crisp! ANY friend is a good friend! I have none!'. I cried to my mom 'don't you see mom that we are freaks, everybody on the street think we are the freak family. We are cut off from the rest. You [parents] yell at each other all the time. Dad makes us work all the time. And now I have no friends. We have to wear these ugly clothes, you don't want us to do any sports or go to camp like the rest of them. The other kids make fun of us...'

Anyway. That summer didn't end soon enough. Soon I went to high school were I found better friends. I became involved more with the 'underground' kids. Well, that was way easier to fit in I guess. No sports required, and the clothes were cheap, from the re-use-it centre! But I would always feel ashamed of my family.


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