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Emo


malign

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I hate that word, "emo", or rather the feeling that goes with it, that it's somehow bad to feel. Or to let others see you do it.

But I'm sorry, part of me has bought into it: I try not to talk about my own problems, until they get so bad that what I do write sounds like a fish flopping around in distress. *Groucho Marx voice* "And it's tough getting a fish into dis dress, lemme tell ya!" I need to paint a mustache over my mustache, like he did, and get a cigar. Maybe somebody would pay me to be funny ... Ah, but then it would be work. Not talking and honking a horn might be more fun.

Well, "luckily", my anxiety is fairly generalized; it doesn't seize on something specific and get all worked up. Instead, it just floats around and makes me uncomfortable.

I used to get full-blown panic attacks, tightness in the chest, the works. Once I realized what was happening, though, (and it only took three or four times), I could talk myself out of them, knowing that it was just the anxiety.

As for stressors, we've got the financial, the (ending) marital, the work, and the miscellaneous. Or we could sum them all up as the "feeling helpless". Especially on the subject of tying up the marital finances, I don't really feel like it'll ever be over. Those are the times that the mind starts to tug back towards the old suicide fantasies.

Perhaps I need another way to cope, whadda y'all think? ;-)

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Yes, please:o

It sounds like a difficult time to learn new tricks, I mean, new stress management techniques. When there is so much going on, how do you afford to take the time to learn ways to care for yourself?

Perhaps there is a way, somehow, to make you a higher priority?

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Oh malign, yes I think so too, that you need another way to cope :P I agree with finding, that maybe you could try to put yourself, and your feelings a little higher up in importance, you are very important, and don't deserve to feel so bad. You say the marital finances problems feel like they'll never end, but they have to end sometime, right? It's awful that it takes so much out of you, leaving you feeling so tired. I wonder if there's something you can do to make this issue take less out of you.

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Now i'm really worried about you. ;-)

That thing will give me nightmares!

I will try to stick with the visual of Big Bird. Big,yellow and fluffy, well if i dream tonight it should be interesting! :)

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Of course he's smiling! :-)

Now, maybe he's also thinking, "I wonder if this thing is edible", but that's because he's looking at a camera. Everyone knows you guys aren't edible.

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Oh man, Malign! I think you are truly strong, and you do know how to start and manage the stress. Laughter is definitely a good one. But, I know, in your and my case, we tend to go for the joke that will make others laugh right?

Hey, I am having chronic anxiety too, so I am flip flopping out of the fish bowl a lot too! Yey, we can be flip flopping friends! We can be Emus too! I like that guy!

This past few days have been a bit though for me too... I went on a little road trip with my friend R and she talked a lot about her sily BF, and how good he is to her and blabla. I was thinking, yeah right, he's a drunk grumpy, needy guy is all I see, but hey. Meanwhile, I could feel the anxiety mounting in me on that trip. A feeling of not doing what I need to do, spending too much money that I don't have, trying deperately to make myself feel ok about my situation... Anyway, as I reflected on this on the trip, and realize that R, although a good friend, her unhealthy habits with her bf and her crew just told me yet again that this is not that great for me, hanging out with them. Just with her is fine,but with the rest, uhhhhg.

Anyway, I also realized, well, T, as we can see, no one can be the be-all-end-all solution to my problems and feeling anxious... so I decided I would do what I did with my ex when we felt not so hot and wanted to feel in a better mood. So, I told her: "have you ever tried to have a fit of laughter?" She looked at me funny, but was interested...go on, she said. 'Well, I used to do this with M, here how it goes: you just start by fake laughing, and progresively make the most ridiculous laughing sounds you can, and suddenly, both of you can't stop laughing"

Well, we just did that for half an hour... And, it felt great, and the feeling lasted for several hours. All I am saying is as I realize I can't get everything from one person, sometimes, I will just get what I need right now, from my friends, even if they are not much help all in all, and then I can rely on myself for the rest. It may sound like I have my own agenda... which I do. It's ME now, ME, ME, ME. And it's about me getting better and not letting myself fall in the bottom of the barel.

Why? because I know I can help others as well, especially when I feel well, so I know that by getting what I need in order to feel better, I also help others. I have value, I am needed here, even if I feel the blues so bad sometimes it's hard to handle. But there's always that voice in me that says: 'get what you need, what do you need now? you can handle this. I love you. You are taking care of yourself. This is good. AND, it will not be always like this.'

So, Malign, continue to get what you need, for YOU, and YOU, and YOU! As, you are a tremendous help in this world, and you know it. And you are brilliant. and funny. and helpful. You are needed.

Get what you need to continue untangling those knots that keep you in this predicament. I know when I am feeling helpless, it's a deep feeling that I am trapped and that there are no solutions... Just enduring. Well, you can endure, sure, and this is normal. And feelings of anxiety are normal, even though they don't feel so nice. You can handle them. And look at the tiny solutions everyday, that slowly but surely untangle! Your brain may tell you thal these aren't really solutions, they wont really work because there's this and this...

But it will work.

Love

T

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Hey, I was hoping girls liked grumpy, needy guys; it's my only chance. ;-)

Yeah, okay. Sometimes I go for the laugh as a distraction, or because it's better than the alternative. It's not fake, though; it's what I do for myself at those times, too.

I'll have to try that laugh attack thing. And the ME, ME, ME thing. I've often thought that people who live in Maine must feel very self-confident; they live in ME. I just feel like no one wants me around; I live in VA-t-en.

You're already too smart for any but a really great guy, you know that? :-)

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I Think laughter helps a lot! It's a great tool! What a great feeling when you laugh til your belly hurts! I love that so much! It just that for me it doesn't come so easily. So, when M showed me the fake laugh trick, I was very skeptical. as per usual. Then he started to do these fake laughs sounds in front of me, and then without wanting too, I started smiling and shaking my head at him, and laughing a lil, cus he was so ridiculous, then just couldn't hold it anymore and laugh my head off, for no apparent reason! It was and still is great to do that!

As per the grumpy needy guy...Oh come on, don't you go and compare yourself to him! As there is no comparison whatsoever! I know I do that a lot. And R also tried to say that I was like her D, her bf, a lot...Because I had mentioned that I did understand where he was coming from and had felt similar to him in the past... but I will not accept to be compare to someone else anymore. No way! Especially if I feel I don't want to be like them. Hey! I am my own person. My own feelings, my own experiences, my own troubles. Right? and You too. No comparisons allowed :} or required! You are you, and you are a-ok!

No one wants you around hey? Who is this 'No one' person anyway? And jeez, their loss man! I do know what you mean though [and BTW the VA-t-en joke is good! you're way too fast on those skates. I can't keep up!]. But let's turn this around for one second:

No one wants you around? What does that actually means anyway? First there's the 'no one'... Highly doubtful right there :) and then 'wants me' ... Wow, dont' you find it's actually pretty rare that somebody will actually say that "I want you around"? Well, of course, there's the "I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby." But, as we know any kind of 'I want you' brings only temporary satisfation really.

Think about it, what if 'everybody' would want you to be around all the time... That would be pretty boring after a while. for one. You'd be like, hum, I dont' want you to need me around. I just want to have some fun...

Again, another way to look at 'no one' wants me around: is it at work? Where you don't feel appreciated? I know that can be hard. Is there a way that you could get a little bit of what you need there to feel more comfortable? Little solutions... Is it in your family? In your social network? Your friends? All of the above?

Yet again, another way to question the 'no one wants me around': The reality is twofold. On the one hand, we will never every know how it feels for others to want us around. Ever. It is how we feel and interpret the situation. Being in their head, trying to judge if they want or don't want us around is, well, not needed or required as it is, in fact, impossible. Secondly, It is because you feel lonely and would like to be around people who will help you fill a need, take the edge off, comfort you, distract you, all these things, that you may feel like 'no one wants me around'. But it is temporary. And, if it may look like it brings self esteem, well, it doesn't. It's not really it. Think about it. What happens in our heads when we feel like 'people want us around'? It's not really it that makes us feel good about ourselves, in reality, it's what we say about ourselves in and after these moments that make us feel good:

"people want me around" therefore, I am good, I am helpful, I am fun, I am funny, charming, cute, whatever we believe is true in that moment.

and in reverse now:

"no one wants me around", so it means I am grumpy , unhelpful, clumsy, ugly, smelly, whiny, etc, etc.

See where Im going with this? Do you? :D

It's not a trick, it's just knowing how your brain/ my brain actually works.

In reality, you do not need to have people need you around to feel like any of these characteristics are actually true.

Actually, you do not even need to feel right away like these characteristics you want about yourself are true at the moment. What you need, is to repeat to yourself, that you are all that.

And also, other things that make you feel good about yourself: 'I like me! I like me and I take care of myself willingly. I belong here. I am ok, thank you. I can handle this. etc' This is all true. It just need to get into that thick head! :)

I wonder if I talked before about how I felt 'no one wanted me around' for a little bit as well. I felt like I had exausted my friends with my ruminations... Well, who knows if that's what actually happened. I think they were just busy. But I felt like I wanted to be around people who a] either listen to me or b] didn't whine and whine about their situation.

So. I talked to my T about this neediness, and how I didn't know how to handle the question 'how are you?'. And she said, well, 'you can talk about your problems here, and on your blog. this is what this is for and that's perfect. But when you are with friends, stop ruminating! To the question 'how are you?', answer: 'I am good, thanks!' and smile! As it is in fact true! You are ok! It's not BS at all! she also asked me to keep a 'gratefulness of the day' record, where I list what I am grateful for everyday. so that I could in fact see what is good in my life. and remind myself of that!

so, I tried it! I called a friend. To the question, I answered 'good!'. then went and just have a lil walk and a coffee with them and it felt good! We talked about how great the sunshine felt... things in the news... not about how my life was falling appart. Or her life. And we had fun. And then I went home and did my little things. It certainly didn't feel like I was on a 'high' or anything, but I felt content... In the end, I did get what I really truly wanted!

And, yes, I suppose, just like you deserve a really great woman too Malign... I do deserve a really great guy. I do know it. But, in reality I do also know that I don't 'need' him, and if 'he' doesn't materialize I am ok with it. And it's all good now :-)

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