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To resume


malign

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Yes, I've decided to resume my (almost) daily blog entries. I think I got a bit embarrassed to not be making continuous progress, especially if people I cared about became worried if I was having a bad day. But I'll just have to help them get through their fears, because the exercise of doing this helps me when I do it, and it helps me when I go back later to look at where I've been.

What I've been struck by, in the past week or so, is a sudden rush of feelings of all sorts. It's as if the wall I had in place to keep them at bay just disappeared. More importantly, I haven't been overwhelmed by rage, which was always the emotion I was most afraid of. I used to visualize myself sitting on a boiling cauldron of rage, trying to keep the lid on. I thought that rage was all that was in there. Maybe it seemed that way because rage was the only thing that ever boiled over and leaked out into consciousness. The other feelings were also in there, but they were more well-behaved.

So now I'm sort of confused. Not in a bad way, though; I don't feel like this is damaging me. It's just really hard to fit it into my view of myself. I mean, I used to see myself as balanced between a Censor, who kept me in line, and a childish part, that did all the feeling but never got heard. Now he won't shut up. :-) It's not that Censor has disappeared, and he (strangely) doesn't seem too perturbed by all this. Clearly, he doesn't see this as dangerous, but that's so out of character for him that I just keep wondering what's happened to him.

I hope I sort it out, eventually, though. Otherwise, no one will recognize me. ;-)

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I know how you feel about the writing of 'bad days'... and letting other people see this. Personally, I have come to the conclusion that this blog, and for me anyway,what I post I see as drawing on a sketch pad. Sure, it may be strange that I expose my deepest thoughts. which may expose my deepest weaknesses at the same time in a way, but I do it anyway. Perhaps it affect my 'credibility' as being able to truly help others...maybe. But, as I said, to my, this is a sketch pad. Thoughts and feelings come out 'as is', less processed and rationalized then after I have come to term with them in reality, but the help I get from you, and from others as well, at that very moment when those words are expressed, without all the processing and [maybe censoring] helps me. I hope my comments on your blog do the same as well...

I think 'censor dude' realizes that maybe what comes out of the cauldron deserves to come out, at least into your consciousness, in order to be analyzed. I know what you mean about rage. I have raging thoughts and feelings as well that I wish didn't show up unwelcome, as they never really are. Also the jealous ones are a big one too... But when they do, at least here, it makes me go 'ok, what's this about now. where does this comes from again?' Well, when I am not all tangled up by fear or totally overwhelmed by these feelings that they just block my view of reality, which happen fairly often still...

Anyway. Just wanted to say hey! I do read your blog. :(

and hope that you are well, all in all, and if you are not so well, drop a line. To me, or on your blog, and I will read and reflect as well... If you let me :)

T

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