Yes, I've decided to resume my (almost) daily blog entries. I think I got a bit embarrassed to not be making continuous progress, especially if people I cared about became worried if I was having a bad day. But I'll just have to help them get through their fears, because the exercise of doing this helps me when I do it, and it helps me when I go back later to look at where I've been.
What I've been struck by, in the past week or so, is a sudden rush of feelings of all sorts. It's as if the wall I had in place to keep them at bay just disappeared. More importantly, I haven't been overwhelmed by rage, which was always the emotion I was most afraid of. I used to visualize myself sitting on a boiling cauldron of rage, trying to keep the lid on. I thought that rage was all that was in there. Maybe it seemed that way because rage was the only thing that ever boiled over and leaked out into consciousness. The other feelings were also in there, but they were more well-behaved.
So now I'm sort of confused. Not in a bad way, though; I don't feel like this is damaging me. It's just really hard to fit it into my view of myself. I mean, I used to see myself as balanced between a Censor, who kept me in line, and a childish part, that did all the feeling but never got heard. Now he won't shut up. :-) It's not that Censor has disappeared, and he (strangely) doesn't seem too perturbed by all this. Clearly, he doesn't see this as dangerous, but that's so out of character for him that I just keep wondering what's happened to him.
I hope I sort it out, eventually, though. Otherwise, no one will recognize me. ;-)