When I was 17, I never had a job before. I felt really really bad about this. All my friends already had summer jobs since they were 12 [like paper delivery] and I felt like a baby. Not that I didn't work... I mean, my dad had put us to work since I was 7 or something. And I was always working, doing homework, didn't have much of a social life, didn't have money. I wanted to get untangled from dad. He was like 'why you need a job for? I have plenty of things to do right here! And you're all taken cared for, you owe us money for all we do for you'... Luckily, my mom was supportive... I think. She just didn't say anything.
Anyway, it was a real stressful event for me to just write a resume, with no real employer in it. It's not that I didn't have skills [although I thought I didn't at the time!!!!], But I felt ridiculous that my only employer [dad] didn't pay me, and it was just manual jobs...
I applied for tons of jobs. And it was all very, very scary. I arrived at interviews big sweats, and like a dear caught in the headlights... was turned down many times. Then, finally I got a job at the local video store. Which made me very proud.
But, the people working there were grumpy and always wanted me to fill in for them. The manager was a lifer, and grumpy... And I didn't like it. Also, I didn't like to recommend movies to customers. As all the movies we had were crap in my mind... So I wasn't the best employee. But I kept on going. One day, I was working with the manager, and I did a real big mistake. She had her friend there, and they were chatting. So I chatted with them... Then the manager asked her friend for a smoke... and I did too! Real big mistake. I guess. The next week, I got fired. The manager explained to me that I was a really bad employee. That it was totally unacceptable to ask a customer for a cigarette. That I was unreliable, refusing to fill in for employees to where my seniors. And was real bad with customers. Fair enough. But then she added: "I think your future is kind of sketchy, I don't think you'll be able to find a job with an attitude like yours. AND definitely a customer orientated job at that."
I was devastated as I believed her. I scrammed out of there like a beaten up dog, tail between my legs and all. I cried and cried for days!
1. Where are you at this moment
In the manager's office.
2. How old are you and what do you look like?
I am 17. but feeling like I am 4. I look like a beaten up dog.
3. Who is there with you, or supposed to be there with you?
4. What is happening that makes this moment so significant?
I am losing my first job, when I thought I was a great worker.
5. What emotions or change of emotions are you experiencing at this time?
Fear and panic. guilt. I thought I was good, now I think I am useless and my life is screwed. Again. When It had just began.
6. How would you change this situation if you could?
Well, I would have been a better employee for one, while trying to find a better job. And then quit.
7. What is your mental/physical experience?
I feel like I am falling from a high rise. Like I am going to faint. My heart is beating fast, I am sweating, I can't feel. I feel like I am looking at this situation from above. All words are muffled, but so loud at the same time.
8. If you could speak to someone at this moment, who would it be? What would you say?
I would say to my boss, well, I know I did several mistake, and I do apologize, but, I refuse to think that I am a bad person and that my future is gloom for this. You are just bitter because you are stuck here and you are putting all the blame on me because you feel bad about your own future. You never trained me for one. How am I suppose to know I should recommend crappy movies to people? How am I suppose to have sales skills if I can't learn from the top [sarcasm]. Besides, just two or three things here: 1] I learned on my own how to recommend bad movies. I did, without your help thanks very much! 2] I did fill in a lot for others. 3] Why is it ok for YOU to ask a customer for a favor?
9. What are you saying to yourself?
I suck. I need to go hide. I can never come to this mall again. This is so humiliating.
1. How do you feel now?
I feel like I was raised by a pack of wolves. I feel like I never had a chance to learn social skills and that gave me a disadvantage in my work life. I feel like ashamed.
2. What emotions are you now having?
anger. regrets. sadness.
3.What are you telling yourself about these events today?
That I couldn't have learned what I didn't know before hand. I did learn skills like that, eventually, but I felt like such a loser at the time. Truly, like I had know clue about the world.
4. What power and self-determination did you lose or gain to this event? What did you learn?
I lost the power to feel I could be proud of my work. I felt like I should be always ashamed of myself at work. I learned [wrongly] that I should never trust bosses. I learned rightly that some bosses are lil people and they may in fact be jealous, and take it out on you.
I still don't know what to do in the work environment, and with bosses. I have difficulty accepting authority. I fear it in one way, and resent it in another.
I feel like, in a way, it has to do with my dad... His ways made me live in fear for so long, and always thought on the one hand that I was a hard worker [seeing how much less my friends worked], but at the same time, I always felt like I had to make up for all the skills I didn't have, mainly people skills... And that always behind other workers.
I also feel like this confirmed that work sucked, and was just the same as working for dad, I should not trust anyone at work, always watch my back, fear for the worse, and it confirmed that I was no good.