When I was 18, I decided to go tree planting to BC for a summer. I wanted to do this by myself. My parents always refused to let me do anything significant by myself before that... Or, I refused, was scared...who knows. My mom always said, well when you'll be 18, you can cus you'll be an adult. Let me tell you it didn't fall into the ear of the deaf [french expression i guess here]. Mark the date in my mental calendar.
So, I plan everything, and went. In a way, it was a reconnaissance trip... I had plan to leave home since I was 14. Did several escape jobs at that time... but when I came back...More pain.
Anyway, I went. It was scary. But exciting! I remember being in the bus that would take me across Canada. My parent's and my bro waving at me on the dock. I felt a moment of real fear and some kind of sadness... But soon after, a lot of fantasies of how it was going to be great... I tree planted for 2 months. Real hard work, but, heck, minus the mental strife, so it felt like all fun and games to me. Then, I went and lived with my aunt in the south of BC for 2 months. Worked at a little restaurant as a cook... Could hardy speak English, but it was fun. Then came back home. And felt like I had accomplished a real big thing. I felt great about myself... well, at least for a little bit.
1. Where are you at this moment
In the bus, waving a my family on the dock.
2. How old are you and what do you look like?
18. Still a kid. Afraid, but full of need for adventure and self-assurance.
3. Who is there with you, or supposed to be there with you?
My family this time.
4. What is happening that makes this moment so significant?
I went on a trip by myself. Organized it all, by myself, put the plan together, and went. It felt easy and it is what I wanted! I was full of hope!
5. What emotions or change of emotions are you experiencing at this time?
A bit of melancholy. Loneliness. Like I didn't know if it would really work out. I wished I had more friends. But a lot of excitement and pride that I was making it on my own.
6. How would you change this situation if you could?
I wouldn't now. But then I wished that I would have gone with a friend. Although, in the back of my mind I feared I wouldn't get along and would have to do too much compromise fora girl friend. It was a bit confusing to me.
7. What is your mental/physical experience?
Butterflies in the belly. Apprehension.
8. If you could speak to someone at this moment, who would it be? What would you say?
Goodbye! Did you see! I made it! I made it! I wish someone would come with me. I feel like a bit of a loser inside. But to the exterior, I project that I don't need anyone.
9. What are you saying to yourself?
I am strong and I can't wait to see what this trip is going to bring. I which I had a friend to come with me. Maybe it's because I am not popular that I have to go alone. I am a bit sad. I wish I was more popular and have girlfriends to share this great moment and memory with, like normal girls do. Why do I have to do this alone?
1. How do you feel now?
I still feel a bit ashamed that I am alone a lot and don't have a circle of girlfriends like a lot of girls do. I feel weird that I am like that. It's like I fear other girls a lot. And I have this all or nothing kind of jugement about people that makes me reject a lot of people and choose only certain people to be my close friends.
I know this is changing right now. I can see now that I don't need to e everything to everyone, and the same for them towards me but it is still difficult in reality to do that. And I miss out a lot on opportunities. I fear I wont get along with people, and will be all grumpy and passive agro and they will eventually reject me. I feel that this is very humiliating and somewhat shameful.
I feel like I always the outsider in a group, but deep down, I want to be the leader...but I have a lot of fear that my ideas will be rejected and don't even propose them. And also I feel that I sometimes lack the social skills to not be mean when I get frustrated, and it causes me to fail from getting what I want.
2. What emotions are you now having?
3.What are you telling yourself about these events today?
That even though I thought I was brave, truly I was sad because I was alone and felt that my ideas were rejected and this is why I had to go alone.
4. What power and self-determination did you lose or gain to this event? What did you learn?
On the one hand, I feel like I gain, because I did truly organize everything by myself.
but on the other, I can now see that I hide it from myself that, in reality, I wished that I would have been part of a group and still feel I have a hard time figuring this out.