1. Where are you at this moment
in the kitchen
2. How old are you and what do you look like?
16. I look angry. like a bad kid. I was going to say like Jesse James, but I guess that's not funny.
3. Who is there with you, or supposed to be there with you?
Mom, bro, and I. I suppose, in a real, somewhat more healthy family, my dad would have been there too.
4. What is happening that makes this moment so significant?
It was like the mark of a new era. I thought it was the end of grief.
5. What emotions or change of emotions are you experiencing at this time?
At first I was happy. then angry. then really sad.
6. How would you change this situation if you could?
My mom would have kept on being independent from her husband, worked, and left at the first sign of abuse. She would not have attempted to cover up things and make excuses, she would have gotten us out of there.
7. What is your mental/physical experience?
Deliverance. Truly fully happy, but at the same time angry and then sadness to the core.
8. If you could speak to someone at this moment, who would it be? What would you say?
Both my parents.
Mom: What you say is total BS. I am sorry and I understand you were weak and tangled yourself and didn't want to see the truth because you had settled and in your dream it was a beautiful thing but this really, really, completely disturbed me. I was left alone to fight for myself. I fought for you even! I fought for my brother. You always turned a blind eye. Doing the dishes while I was getting slapped, kicked, called every which name. I know you tried to protect me, sometimes, when you weren't so depressed. I know you were good to me when dad wasn't around. But sorry to break the news to you without tact here but, he is a violent man. And I am sorry for your blindness, but he also drinks! You say I needed to sort out my differences with my dad. As if I was an adult. Was I suppose to physically protect myself? Was I suppose to run away? I thought and attempted it, as you know. You say that dad told you that it only went bad when you got involved and 'turned the kids against him'...So you let it be???? That was your answer to this? Sort my differences? As if it was partially my fault? I am angry at you for letting me down all these years.
Yes I was a kid who fought for herself, what can I say? It is a good thing in my books, someone who can see reality and refuse abuse. I wouldn't accept abuse and got more abuse. What was I supposed to do? You said my brother needed more protection, more attention, more everything because he was shy, because he was little. I was little too. I was only two years older than him! Why did you ask me to take care of him too? Am I his mom too? Why did you not care for me? Why did you abandoned me? Because I look like my father? Because you stopped loving him, you stopped loving me too? Because I had this violence in me after a while, that you just didn't know what to do with? Because you couldn't find some affinities with me? I am not a bad kid. Never was. I always tried to please you, you know that. Except taking a beating willingly, when I could muster the courage to fight. Believe me. I have taken a lot of his abuse silently. You never heard about it... I am sorry to say, but when you ask over and over again why I left... Isn't it clear? Like pretty crystal clear here: I have no family here. Not dad, not my brother, not YOU.
To my Dad: Yeah, yeah, boo-hoo, you had a rough childhood. You wanted to be good, but you were a terrible father. I was afraid of you. How about you be nice to me? How about you see reality this time? How about yooooou feelllll REGRETS? I was a kid. You were a big, angry man, and you took it out on me and my brother, and your wife. You say you love me. Maybe. But you loved wrong. You are needy and weak. You never ever was my hero. How about you fix yourself now buddy? And then we'll talk.
9. What are you saying to yourself?
I am a bad kid and this is why no one loves me. No one sees the good in me. No one cares if I live or die. I must prove, over and over that I am good, but I am broken from the get go. I'll never be as good as my brother. I have an evil streak in me, and it'll be there always. Maybe if I had never been born, this would have never happened.
And at the same time... This is ridiculous. I am good. My parents are delusional. I can't wait to get out of this, I can't take anymore people avoiding to see reality in my life. I don't understand why people are stuck in this rut. I want out! I want to rebuild everything. The right way. Except I have no clue what that is. I lack social skills. I am angry at everyone who say things that I see as contrary. I don't want anyone to control me.
1. How do you feel now?
Better. Free. Like finally, even if no one in my family ever acknowledged that this was reality. That I took the blunt of it. I feel grateful that I could see it. It made me feel incredibly angry, and confused me. Sometimes, I did think I was crazy. I was feeling like I was evil. Truly evil. I felt bad about who I was and wanted to be someone else for so long. I wanted to be like my brother. But now I know that this anger was justified. This feistiness in me helped survive. Sure, I used it wrong many, many times after this, but now I know to trust my feelings now. When I am angry. There IS a reason. I couldn't do anything about it before. I was trapped for about 26 years. But now I can use it. I no longer get crazy angry. I feel angry. I ask why. And I do something about it.
2. What emotions are you now having?
A bit of anger. but mostly peace.
3. What are you telling yourself about these events today?
I was mostly right. I was trapped. I couldn't do much about it. I chose to not run away, very, very consciously, because I didn't want to end up in the streets. I did the best I could at the time to protect my sanity. I felt very angry for a while that I was f* up and that I was the one who had to go to therapy and pay over 5 thousand dollars to fix this mess [so far], out of my own pocket, without any insurance, any help from anyone. I feel like my mom let me down. I am not sure why, still, to this day. I have some clues. But most importantly, after all the frustration, I made it my goal number one, and my destiny to brake this chain. I feel a tremendous amount of strength from this. I feel that, somehow, even without the love I wanted from my parents, I was able to get from friends, and their healthy families sometimes and I am grateful to have witness healthy behaviors around me. I feel grateful for my choices, and not giving in, most of the time. I feel grateful for meeting healthy friends that showed me how to treat others with respect. I am grateful that, somehow, I have a tremendous ability to learn to be good to others, and to myself now. Finally. And even though I haven't receive a whole lot of attention and real love when I was a kid. I know it wasn't because of me.
I am still always asking myself: "is this right, or wrong?" Is this the truth? am I seeing things clearly? Sometimes, I just don't know. But I keep on asking. And the answers come to me. Slowly, maybe, but they do eventually. I make a lot of mistakes. I treat people like crap sometimes. Or I just lay all my negative thoughts onto them... As I still need a lot of attention and love. But I know this. And I am careful.
4. What power and self-determination did you lose or gain to this event? What did you learn?
For a long, long, long time, I lived in fear. But I never ever wanted to end my life. I just thought: "There must be a reason for all this". I have lost a lot of power and self determination through a lot of things in my life. A lot of dreams didn't come true. I have live in fantasy, in my dreams a lot. I have a lot of imagination... I have waisted a lot of time and energy trying to fix me, with different tactics. Some didn't work! Trying to imitate others that I thought were normal. There are a lot of things that I could do, but I have no energy for, no willingness. Accomplishments. I feel like I have little compare to the 'potential' a lot of people use to tell me I had. Potential. Ah! I always laugh at that. What does that mean anyway? I have felt high on myself, and entitled. A lot. I have been sarcastic and mean. I have been ironic and self loathing. I have felt a lot of resentment at people who didn't see that I was good. I have been refusing any help, thinking I was soooo damn strong, but mostly thinking, I don't want to owe anyone anything. I don't want any entanglement what-so-ever.
But now, I am more mature. I haven't fail. I have mostly succeeded so far. Well, at being sociable, and upbeat, and a true fighter, for the GOOD, like I was originally born as. But I know I truly need help now. I can offer help, and I can receive help. There are a lot of good people out there. Including me.