I hate medication. I always have. I hate feeling like I don't have a choice to poison my own body. I am terrible at taking my medication for my Bipolar. Absolutely terrible at it. And I go through the typical thoughts of NEVER wanting to take them:

If I'm manic - "I'm invincible ... I don't need meds!"

If I'm depressed - "Life isn't worth living anyway, so why start taking them now?"

If I'm stable (especially if I'm stable and haven't been on the meds) - "I'm doing fine. I don't need meds to help me."

I never wanna take them, even though I know that I'm sick. Sick people are supposed to take their medicine. Last time I took my meds on a regular basis was probably 2006. After I moved out of my parents' house, I hardly ever took the stuff. I didn't want to have to 'rely' on meds to be a normal person. That's always been my major deterrent from taking them ... I just wanna be normal without having to put drugs in my body.

I took my Seroquel last night. Of course, I slept through the night since Seroquel knocks me out for the first month or so. This morning I took my Wellbutrin. I wasn't sure if I wanted to, but my boyfriend seemed so happy last night when I took my Seroquel. It seemed as though he was ... proud of me? ... I don't know. Perhaps.

I looked this morning, and I have one refill left on my Wellbutrin. I'll be able to have enough until we move, and once we move I'm going to start seeing a psych again. I have insurance so there's no reason I shouldn't be seeing one now. [sigh] I just hate feeling like I'm incapable of controlling my own life. But a friend told me the other day that by taking my meds, I AM in control. I'm not in control whenever I let the chemical imbalance take over.

I guess I'm officially back on my meds then? Ugh. I guess it's a good thing...