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Why am I here?


malign

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So, now that I've spent a little time blowing off steam that I've had to hold in, the question arises: why did I come to a support billboard? Besides the release of pressure already mentioned, several possibilities occur to me.

First, it could be a "manipulative mind game", to refer to a post currently on the system. I could be seeking attention, validation, agreement that my problems are really there, etc. I have heard this called "emotional vampirism". I have been scanning, perhaps too eagerly, for replies. On the other hand, perhaps my current dearth of human contact is some mitigation. (Yay! Big words!)

Second, I think I'm trying to tell myself something. I'm trying to say "You're a liar!" After all, staying married to someone you don't love is living a lie. Pretending not to mind how you're talked to, just to avoid the conflict that would undoubtedly follow, is living a lie. Letting your birth family go, in fact, actively marginalizing them in your life, again to avoid conflict, is living a lie. Continuing to go through the motions when your entire life is empty, is living a lie. And maybe I just need people to know.

Third, though it's related to the last one: I'm trying to talk myself into doing something different, because complaining about all this and then doing nothing is also a lie.

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Hi FlowFreak,

I think you managed to give a few relevant examples! :-)

And I would tend to agree that what you describe is psychological abuse.

Living, as I am, in a similar situation with my wife, I'd say you've actually done pretty well to see that it's his problem, not yours.

Now, if I had solutions, I guess I wouldn't be living in that situation, so I'm not sure how helpful I can be. In fact, because I tend to bury all that emotion instead of experiencing it, there are lots of times I wish I could just rant about it, the way you did.

I've lost any point I might have had ... Just, there are people who understand, and who are listening.

Hi Malign,

I'm totally with your above quote, and your blog post.

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I am once again realizing I should have read your blog from past to current instead of vice versa... the current stuff would have made more sense to me and I might have placed different responses.

Anyhoo...I am currently separated, since Oct 07, for a host of reasons - psychological abuse being one of them. In the course of the year some things had improved between us, to the point of trying to live together again. It lasted about 2 months and I blew up about something and then he was out again. Things have been rocky and I ( until the last few days) had thought only of how to come up with the $ to make it a divorce instead of separation.

But somehow...(God deal?) ... he has shown a side of himself I wasn't sure existed. This occurred after he found out that I had this new diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. He is like relieved because now there is evidence that it wasn't just "him" that was the problem...I had been saying that for years, but he would never specify what he thought I had going on...however, the bipolar diagnosis helps to put alot of things in perspective.

Anyway, that all being said, I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of psych abuse ---- and to be in a nonloving relationship. There is so much more to share on these topics that would be out of perspective at this time, but I am a pretty open book if anyone (malign or FlowFreak or others) want to discuss....

I especially think the psychological abuse issues are more severe and extreme for those of us with bipolar to deal with because we experience life to such extremes....those who aren't in our "category" can't possibly REALLY understand what it feels like.

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