my dear friend with cancer call me today. He was in a cheery mood, shocklingly. But it was a bit of a relief, in the eye of the storm. We talked briefly as he was just having a visitor.

I felt good about hearing his voice for a lil bit and then not so good. I reflected on the fact that he reacted quickly, and involved me, and rallied many friends for help. His girlfriend was by his side, his parents are soon flying in to be with him through this, many many friends called and visited, including me... Of course this led me to think two things. Is it better to be sick but surrounded by people you love, or be more healthy for a little while anyway, but know you wouldn't have much people to help out, if you were in the same situation. Just this thought freaked me out. I truly think I am alone. But I rarely seek help from friends as I find my troubles are always too little or I am ashamed of them, or I am too down to actually seek help when I most need it.

Relationship is something to build everyday. And I can't care for maintenance of anything it seems. Why bother? I think... As I write this, I realise the silliness of the self pity I bath in every single day, sure I fight it all the time. But it comes back all the time. I look for when I will finally be rid of those thoughts, but like anything else that relates to health, it's all about maintenance and day to day work.

So I guess, I'll keep on working on this for me, and also, helping my friend because I care, despite all those self pity life's not fear thoughts. Grass is always greener... not so.

peace