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Continued anxiety



I woke up this morning feeling very angry at my boyfriend. I was trying to justify it & kept saying "well it's because I feel that he didn't take me into consideration last night" ... which is true, but I'm not really that mad anymore. A little hurt, but it will pass. I'm trying to focus more on the fact that I (somehow!) got through last night without asking him to come home. I did call once to see when he'd be home, and in doing so, ended up having to tell him that I was having some anxiety. I didn't go into detail though, and I didn't express the severity. I'm proud of myself for doing that ... but I never wanna have to do that again! :o I know I will eventually though...

My anxiety is still up today. After talking to a friend last night, I think that the anxiety (& oncoming depression) probably have to do with all of the recent changes: buying a house, moving to a new city, the boyfriend getting a new job, myself getting a new job, starting work yesterday .. I think it's just too much at once. And I know that a lot of my anxiety today is because of the job. I started my training yesterday but I don't feel like I can do the job. I'm still pretty frail from back surgery and this job involves a lot of lifting, moving, etc. I don't think it's a good idea to continue this if I want my surgery to not have been a waste of time & money. However, I'm terrified to tell my boyfriend about this ... I know that it's been soooo important that I get a job (because he doesn't feel like I'm contributing) and now that I got one, I'm just gonna leave? He'll probably think that I'm incapable of getting/keeping a job ... will worry about my reliability ... probably will start worrying about when I'm just gonna give up on us, too ....

Ugh, now I'm mind-f---ing myself. Awesome. [sigh] I'm getting so depressed the past couple of days ... I don't know if I'm coming or going. I wish he would wake up so I could talk to him, cuddle with him, et cetera. I'm just so f-ing tired of feeling so alone.


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